Thursday, January 29, 2015

It's Off to the ER

Today was all doctor appointments. I have to have a weekly blood test. Also, about a week ago I collapsed at home and almost blacked out. Was it a stroke? I went to a clinic, and they said we're too small to check this out. Tomorrow, you should go to a ER for a cardiac evaluation.

What kind of symptoms am i dealing with?

Almost no strength and sensation in my legs when I collapsed.
Almost blacking out. Then for about ten seconds, I wasn't sure where I was. I gradually pulled myself back on my feet. But then I could barely walk.
I have trouble focusing at times.
Steps are a big problem.
You feel like you have no energy all the time.

I've gone through various nurses, and no luck in getting an earlier cardiologist. We'll see what the ER says.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

New Problems

We still struggle with symptoms, and how to not snap. Now, a new problem that's getting worse. Anybody suffer from sleep paralysis? You open your eyes, and for about 15 seconds, that's all you can do. You can't move, talk or anything else. Then, you literally have to force yourself to restore your chi balance so you can feel normal again.

What causes this? Some say it's your trauma history coming out. Others say it's a sign on psychic ability. I'm trying to look at it as how do we cope with this? Switching sleeping positions doesn't help. You don't want to go back to lots of meds and risk getting addicted again. What then do you do?

One thing is to pay attention to small signs. How things affect you, and not assuming and moving forward.

Any suggestions?

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Really Run Down

Trying to rest today. You feel like you're always exhausted by trying to deal with so many symptoms.

Stay home and in bed.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Screaming In Pain (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Staying home at the moment and trying to regain some sense of being grounded. We still have to fight to focus when we wake up so we don't end up dissociating all day long. You feel like you're being bombarded with pain. Everything's a threat. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You go outside and feel the sun shining. Then, for a split second you have a vision of what if you weren't around? Would you still feel any warmth at all? Why does this happen? We don't know.

Rock back and forth. Turn off all threatening stuff. Try to reassure yourself that you're safe. Nobody else is here. Nobody will break in and kill you.

You have to protect yourself
You're not a threat to anybody
It's not your fault
You're not insane

No noise. Try to reassure yourself, your multiples and little kid that it's okay.

Maybe we'll go out later. Right now, we want to feel safe in our own home.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Pay Attention

Lots of rest today as we try to pay attention to small things. Don't just push thru it and say it's nothing. Actually, it IS something.

You struggle to not snap in two. How do you cope with abandonment? You don't want to black out, and then wonder what happened? You literally feel terrified at times and can't move. You have days where that's all you do. Just try to not fall apart.

You scream in pain and don't want to fall apart. Because you want to feel safe.

Stay safe in your part of the world.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

At Times You Scream and Fight to Not Black Out

Another day of fighting to not dissociate. Fear almost paralyzes you. You may spend almost all day rocking back and forth, trying to reassure yourselves. You can't sit back and do nothing.

You feel like you want to snap. Every part of you is ready to scream in pain. What else can you do?

Set boundaries a best you can. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

Time for meditation.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Nightmares and More

The nightmares are still there. Usually you wake up around 1 a.m., and then you can't go back to sleep. You have to get out of bed and go somewhere else where you'll feel more grounded. This means two to three hours of sleep a night (if you're lucky).

How are your symptoms? One thing that I'm still struggling with is facing how severe my abuse history has been. You fight to survive, and it feels like nobody can be bothered to listen. Despite that, you have to fight to set boundaries and protect your well being.

You scream and try to not black out.

I still struggle to not have one of my multiples lash out. Then, you have no idea of what happened.

You just want to feel safe.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Nothing to Hide Behind

You had things to hide behind in the past. Alcoholism, soft core porn, online hookers and more. Now, I don't do any of that anymore. You'll always struggle with junk food. My cardiologist says try to keep your weight under control. Why? Because it's easy for heart patients to put on lots of weight. Then, it takes forever to lose it.

A phrase for the day. In the most non threatening way possible, face your trauma pain head on. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. At times, we feel almost paralyzed with pain. You try deep breathing and using things around you to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Then again, what happens when that doesn't work?

Part of my trauma history is that many others in the "immediate family" (whatever that means) are mentally ill. Why? I'm not sure. Then again, I'm not responsible for their health. I will set boundaries in good ways to protect my well being.

You feel paralyzed with pain. It's not my fault. I'm not a threat to anyone.

I did nothing wrong
I did nothing wrong
I did nothing wrong

More as it happens.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Don't Dissociate

Lots of errands tody, and now some time to write online. One minute you have some energy and feel relatively stable. Then, you can barely get up and walk to your kitchen.

In my case, dissociating iis like an addict using. You think it will help you to escape pain. But it just makes it worse. You feel trapped in a maze, and you can't escape. When you do finally fight your way out, you almost black out.

The severity of your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history.

You have no control over what other horrible people say and do. Despite that, you set boundaries where necessary.

I don't have a death wise. But at times the thought comes to mind. What if I wasn't here? Would anybody care? As much as possible, I'm trying to face my trauma hisory head on. Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore.

Some days feel like endless pain. Then again, you have to keep going.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Into the Weekend

We have nothing to hide behind to escape pain. I saw something online recently that made a good point. Essentially, don't run away from your pain. In the most non-threatening way possible, face your trauma history. You try and do that, and what happens?

Every day feels like nothing but pain. Your intuition feels like you're the only one that sees everything that's going on. You struggle to find positive things in your background. You have to protect yourself, because violent triggering things are everywhere.

Is everything a threat? No. But at times you have to remind yourself of that.

Have a good day.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Nothing to Hide Behind

You had many things in the past that you thought would help you to escape pain. Then, you realized that it only made things worse. Now, as much as possible I try to say, no, don't dissociate. Do something else.

Tiny amounts of things in the past that you thought were okay now cause all kinds of pain. Nightmares, anal pain, lucid dreams and more. You sit at times with no noise and just focus on peace and quiet. I don't want to feel like I'm being bombarded with pain. The fact that I'm being bombarded with pain doesn't mean that I'm a threat to anyone.

You sit in crowded places and want to scream and run away. You have flashbacks to how severe your symptoms have been. Other than a tiny number of people in person, nobody else in person helped me.

You ask questions at times. Can I trust anyone? Does anybody really care?

At times you feel like you can barely move. But what else can you do?

Nightmares are happening again. You have to fight your way out of a horrible situation, and NOBODY will help you.

If trauma doesn't come out one way, it will come out in others. You just want to feel safe.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Rest and Protection

For the first time in a long time, I actually got some sleep last night. Despite that, my symptoms are still there. You still feel abandoned and exhausted. You also have to protect yourself.

You feel like you're going to fall apart. You have to protect yourself.

Sometimes we just sit back and rock back and forth. Because we just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Don't Snap and Fall Apart

A new week, and more struggling to not snap and black out Triggering stuff is everywhere. At times, you go with no noise in your day. You just want peace, quiet and to feel safe. Part of this is to set necessary boundaries. Through necessity, I've learned a lot about online security. Many mistakenly believe that you have to be an NSA (National Security Agency, for all of our international readers) engineer to do this. Actually no. It just takes time to study and find the necessary online tools. Another part of it is to out think a hacker. They try this, I block it. They try B, I block it. Always stay one step ahead.

At times the stress is so bad you feel like you're going to black out. Which means at times you're almost paralyzed. You use solid thing s around you to try and stay grounded. Meanwhile you're getting bombarded with flashbacks, anal pain and lucid dreams.

In the past, dissociating and rituals were a way to escape pain. Or so you thought. Now, it's a real struggle at times to not do that. Just like an addict who doesn't want to use again. Part of this is also to deal with the severity of your symptoms, and almost no one in person helped me.

Despite all of the horrible things that others say and do, none of this is abnormal in any way. You just want to be able to feel safe. Raping a terrified little kid? No. Sex with animals? No. Every person I see is a threat, so I have to attack and kill them first? They want to rape me. So I'll rape them first and then kill them to get revenge for what happened to me? No.

Sometimes we just sit and rock back and forth to be safe. We're not insane, weird, a freak or any other garbage.

What's the best thing that helps you to cope? There's no one thing, in my case. But, some reminders do help.

I'm not weird, a freak, a pathetic fucking gimp, geek, nerd, asshole, etc.
I'm not abnormal in any way.
Symptoms have to come out. And now they are.
I'm not a pedophile.
I'm not a danger to anybody.
I just want to feel safe.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Fighting to Not Snap

More days of fighting symptoms, and trying to not literally snap. The anger, frustration and urge to dissociate all hit you at once. After a day of that, you can't do anything. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

More nightmares are happening again. Usually I wake up around 2 or 3 a.m. and can't  do anything. What do you do then?

You just want to feel safe in your own home.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Keep Your Focus

Fighting to not dissociate. Use things around you. Protect yourself at all costs.

Just trying to keep a sense of balance.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Setting Boundaries

Lots of horrible stuff happening in the world today. Our advice? Unless it's for work, stay away. Your well being comes first.

We still struggle with abandonment and trying not to fall back into old dissociative rituals. Maybe it's kind of like alcoholics not relapsing? Some days I just turn everything off and stay home. I want to feel safe, and not bombarded by pain. Despite that, we still struggle with hallucinations, flashbacks, intense anal pain and more.

I still wake up in the middle of the night and check to make sure no one else is here. Usually, it's wake up every two hours or so, and then you can't go back to sleep. You have to protect yourself. Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth to reassure ourselves.

We just want to feel safe.

Set boundaries as best you can. Keep your side of things clean.

You're not responsible for what others say and do. They are.

Stay safe and warm.

NOTE:  Thanks for the ongoing support. Feel free to pass our URL onto anyone else it might help. No spam links, please. Thanks.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


It's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. Yet, you struggle with feeling abandoned. In my case, having heart disease and PTSD symptoms, you have to be really careful with your diet. Since my blood flow is below normal, that affects digestion. Which means if you're not careful, you can put on a lot of weight. Then, it's a huge pain to try and lose it.

I try to reassure myself, my multiples and little kid that it's my job to protect us. I don't always have the answers to their questions. On the other hand, that's okay. You just try to keep in mind that your well being comes first.

If you're looking for somebody to singlehandedly save the world, I can't help you. If you're not together, how can you do anything else?

We just want to feel safe.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Getting Any Sleep?

Another night of no sleep. Just when you think you're starting to doze off, you wake up. Am I having a nightmare, or a lucid dream? I know it's not my fault. But symptoms are still there.

We just want to protect ourselves. On the other hand, flashbacks and other nightmares still happen.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Are You Feeling Overwhelmed?

Struggling with not only your trauma history, but also other things that made the pain worse. You scream and fight to survive. And nobody listens.

The important thing? We're on the right track.

Friday, January 2, 2015

A No Energy Kind of Day

Cold, wet and no energy. I had to hold onto the rail as I slowly worked my way up stairs. We're trying to stay off of sugar as much as possible. I just feel better without it (unless it's an emergency).

Stay in tonight, and just stay warm.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy 2015

How was YOUR New Year's Eve? We decided to stay home and warm due to struggling with symptoms. Lately you almost feel paralyzed. You can't scream. You can't move. You don't want to black out. Which means stay in a safe place.

How do you protect yourself? One way is to keep in mind your well being comes first. There are always triggering things happening, and in many cases nothing you can do about them. You're not responsible for all of the pain in the world. I can't handle mine and everyone else's.

You have to fight back. It's exhausting. But what else can you do?

We're not a threat to anybody else.
I'm not a sociopath.
I'm not a pedophile.
I'm not a monster.

Some consolation? There are consequences for what you say and do, AND what you don't say and do.

We just want to feel safe.