Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Don't Snap and Fall Apart

A new week, and more struggling to not snap and black out Triggering stuff is everywhere. At times, you go with no noise in your day. You just want peace, quiet and to feel safe. Part of this is to set necessary boundaries. Through necessity, I've learned a lot about online security. Many mistakenly believe that you have to be an NSA (National Security Agency, for all of our international readers) engineer to do this. Actually no. It just takes time to study and find the necessary online tools. Another part of it is to out think a hacker. They try this, I block it. They try B, I block it. Always stay one step ahead.

At times the stress is so bad you feel like you're going to black out. Which means at times you're almost paralyzed. You use solid thing s around you to try and stay grounded. Meanwhile you're getting bombarded with flashbacks, anal pain and lucid dreams.

In the past, dissociating and rituals were a way to escape pain. Or so you thought. Now, it's a real struggle at times to not do that. Just like an addict who doesn't want to use again. Part of this is also to deal with the severity of your symptoms, and almost no one in person helped me.

Despite all of the horrible things that others say and do, none of this is abnormal in any way. You just want to be able to feel safe. Raping a terrified little kid? No. Sex with animals? No. Every person I see is a threat, so I have to attack and kill them first? They want to rape me. So I'll rape them first and then kill them to get revenge for what happened to me? No.

Sometimes we just sit and rock back and forth to be safe. We're not insane, weird, a freak or any other garbage.

What's the best thing that helps you to cope? There's no one thing, in my case. But, some reminders do help.

I'm not weird, a freak, a pathetic fucking gimp, geek, nerd, asshole, etc.
I'm not abnormal in any way.
Symptoms have to come out. And now they are.
I'm not a pedophile.
I'm not a danger to anybody.
I just want to feel safe.

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