Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One Minute Some Clarity. Then Assaulted.

How's your evening (unless it's already October 1st). Along with celebrating the Chinese Revolution, it's also Be Nice to a Socialist Day. Hug a socialist. You'll feel better.

That being said, are your feeling some clarity these days? For us, sometimes there's a little. And then at other times all the terror of being raped comes flooing out. We curl up in a corner with a knife and have to fight off everybody that treated us like shit. Also, there are SO MANY TRIGGERS right now. Everywhere you look it's death, destruction, pedophiles that get off scot free, and more. We have to protect ourselves because we feel like we're picking up on all taruma survivor's pain. And it's too much to handle.

What do you do when nobody listens? Find some safe way to be heard (and not outed). If you're ready to risk being outed, that's your business. For us, that will only add lots of problems to the stress that we're dealing with now.

When fear hits, it's like getting assaulted with a billion images, noises and more. You feel like you're going to snap in two. And NOBODY's going to help you. How do you cope with that? And do everything else that you have to do?

Feel free to comment.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Another Side of the MacKenzie Phillips Announcement

Just heard online that MacKenzie Phillips had a consensual sexual relationship with her dad. I don't know all of the details yet. And frankly I'm not sure I want to be bomabarded with 24/7 MSM triggers re: this.

But unfortunately, something needs to be said. I've never met her, and have no personal problems towards her at all. I admire her for her (and her half sister) speaking out about this.

On the other hand, right now they're celebs and I'm not. Which means that I have to use other outlets to get my message out.

How much do you wanna bet in all of this upcoming coverage about this, NOT ONCE is anybody going to talk about guy rape survivors? Because legally, if Phillip's dad started this when she was underage, that's rape, correct? But now (due to time running out in this case), odds are no prosecution will happen.

Now, what about boys that are raped by their dads? I was repeatedly raped (call it what it is) by one of my grandfathers who's now dead. My family disowned me a long time ago because s**t like this you just don't talk about. Alcoholism, incest, whatever the hell it is. We just don't do that. And any thoughts or feelings that you have about it are totally irrevelant.

Right now, Phillips is a celeb and I'm not.If I out myself, I could have lots of serious problems. Phillips (on the other hand) can do this. And odds are she'll go along just fine. Nobody's going to freak out over stupid stereotypes about PTSD and other things that trauma survivors have. I'm looking for a new job right now. If a potential boss found out about my PTSD, that could be a big problem.

Another angle. Would my health coveage drop me if they found out I have PTSD? Phillips is an actress and member of SAG (Screen Actors Guild). It's well known that SAG has one of the best union health coverage plans nationally. Will SAG cancel her policy because of PTSD (a "pre-existing" condition)? Probably not.

She's a trauma survivor. I'm a trauma survivor. I have some of the same problems that she does. Yet society will listen to her and tell me to piss off because a guy rape survivor is just too weird.

Where the hell's the justice in that?

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Role of Your Diet

How was your day? Here, it was fighting a lot of dissociating and almsot blacking out.

Now, it seems like there's a little bit of clarity. One reason? We haven't been able to find studies that talk about the role of diet in fighting PTSD symptoms. But in our case, we're really trying to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Also, no gluten.

Go with that and then what? How do you re-think your diet? We just don't have the tolerance for junk food anymore like before. In the past we'd drink around 2,000 grams of sugar a day. We found a table on sugar/diet that says you should be around 45 grams a day.

Now, we're keeping it as low as possible. Does too much salt and sugar aggrevate dissociating and tremors? We'll keep trying this new diet and see how it goes.

How does this work for you? Feel free to comment.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Shock Yourself Awake?

How's your weekend? Here, kicking back and catching up online.

Symptoms are still a pain, especially in the morning. It's like somebody puts a boom box next to you and says SURPRISE! You have to fight to focus and not feel like you're falling apart. Herbs and juices help some. But even with all of that, you still have to almost shock yourself to wake up.

Does this happen to you? How do you retrain? your body to not dissociate? For a while some of my multiples lashed back when I decided to stop using softcore porn as a substitute for relationships. For a week they threw out all kinds of sick and twisted lucid dreams. But then they realized that I was serious and backed off. Symptoms still happen (including lucid dreams).

How do you cope with triggers? Right now it feels like almost everything is a trigger. Everything has to be censored. If you don't, you end up dissociating for hours.

Sometimes do you feel like you're barely hanging on? What helps you?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

One Minute Some Clarity. Then Horrible Dissociating (Contains Strong Content)

How's YOUR weekend? Kind of a weird day in a way. One minute there's a little bit of clarity. Then horrible dissociating, lucid dreams and more.

My therapist keeps saying it's all of the horror of being raped coming out. Is it one multiple lashing out? Or, is it all 25 of them and my little kid letting everything flooding out? My feeling is that it's everything coming out.

How do you cope with feeling almost paralyzed? You exist and you're aware of what's going on around you. Yet, you feel empty. It's like you have to literally shock yourself back to some sense of balance.

Sometimes the flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. You then have to fight back because you do. You don't have a choice. It doesn't matter that it's a "dream". Do you just sit back, be pinned down, raped and then killed? No.

Part of the terror is dissociating. And then realizing that NOBODY is going to help you. You don't exist in their eyes (and various other stupid crap that all survivors have heard). What if nobody touches you? What if nobody (other than your therapist) says I'm sorry you were raped? How are you supposed to react to that?

At times we feel like we're going to snap. No, we don't want to fight thru sick lucid dreams of some psycho rapist going down on you. You don't want to see the sick psycho grandad rapist that says, ever make it with a old man? I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed. And NOBODY will help you. You want to feel some happiness and enjoy the day. But then horrible stretches like this happen.

However, society says shut the fuck up and get on with it. NOBODY wants to hear this crap because it's just too weird. If it's a woman survivor, we can deal with that. But if it's a guy, just fuck off.

How are you supposed to deal with that?

How are you supposed to not feel cheated because of this? It's one thing to say don't let it ruin your life. But then sometimes it's like the old right. My watch says you've had your Official One Minute to Cry. Now fuck off.

There's no comprehension, no sign of intelligent life as this asshole walks away. And yet, you're supposed to be a light switch? You can instantly turn your emotions on and off and just carry on?

It doesn't work like that.

The thing to do then is to protect yourself. Stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Because you don't have a choice

Monday, September 14, 2009

How Much is Too Much?

Just finished the spicy dinner. And now it's back to the emails, applications and global networking. Still no email from Obama saying please help us fix the economy. If he DOES email, should I charge by the hour? Or go with an astronomical salary?

How are your symptoms right now? Every morning it's like you have to literally fight to wake up. Then finally you feel some sense of balance. We're still sober and off all meds. Especially now, which would you rather do? Spend $50 a month for herbs? Or $200 a month on meds?

Still have that feeling that you're about 5 steps ahead of the rest of the world? If we slip and watch a little TV we want to scream. It's like you're the only one that sees what's really going on. We know we're not. Yet, how do you cope when that feeling is almost suffocating?

Does your anger eat you alive? When adrenalin surges happen, one thing that sometimes helps is lots of massage. Maybe part of it is focusing on something else that helps your chi to re-balance? I'm not sure.

If we have to, we still take a knife with us. Lucid dreams and flashbacks still happen (usually at the worst times). And you have to protect yourself. What keeps you grounded?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Keeping a Balance

How's the weekend? A long day with violent dissociating and flahsbacks. You open your eyes in the morning. And you feel like you have to fight to wake up because dissociating is so bad. You're fighting hard to not fall apart. Then later you use everything you can to focus and not dissociate.

What happens when you try to ground yourself and nothing helps? If you have nowhere to hide, what do you do then? What helps you to cope when hyperawareness is really sharp?

Sometimes we feel like there's some clarity. And then sometimes we have to fight back because the whole world is trying to beat you down into the ground.

What helps you to cope???

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Post #151

Obama's speech is over. And still there's no single payer. When will it happen? Place your bets.

As for us, we're staying away from this and all triggers as much as possible. Any sane person knows that universal care is a right and not a priveledge for the elite. And, if they won't pay attention to us, we will protect our health and stay away from it.

Do you have the feeling that you're about 7 steps ahead of everyone else? Like you're the ONLY person that really sees everything that's happening? We know we're not. Still, we have the feeling at times of what's the point? So, unless we absolutely have to, we stay away from regular TV, papers, many books and other things too. Everything has to be edited. Because we don't have a choice.

What about flashbacks and lucid dreams? How do you cope with those? Sometimes we take a knife with us just in case they happen. And we have to fight off the sick assholes that want to rape and kill us.

You have to protect yourself.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Moments of Clarity. And then Terror.

How's it going? Obama gives his health care speech tonight. But we're staying away from it. WAY too triggering. We still only look online when we have to. If we listen to news, it's intl. sources only. It's amazing how much accurate information you can get from abroad.

At times, there are moments of some clarity. At others, it feels like all of the terror of being raped comes flooding out. You have to fight your way out of lucid dreams and kill those sick assholes that want to rape you and then kill you. If I have to, I still take a knife with me when we go out. We're NOT going to be raped again. Lucid dreams usually happen at the worst times.

Looks like extra potassium and almost zero salt is helping some. It's like you have more awareness of what's ok and what the limits are. Hyperawareness and intuition are still really sharp and need to be filtered at times. If you don't, it's like being bombarded with wi-fi signals.

Will Obama have the guts to publically oppose his own party and fight for single payer? I'm not so sure. Sorry to bring "race" into it. But you have the all-white "Blue Dogs" (who are really gutless neocons being bribed by the kill-single-payer lobby). Then, you have the Congressional Black Caucus banding together and saying, either single payer or we're against it.

Good for them for taking a stand. But look at how it's shaping up. Can this get even more racist than it already has? Also, if Obama really will jump on people's case about this, why hasn't he done that yet with Democrats who've taken millions? Because he took money as well when he ran for President. Which means if he did criticize them, he'd look like a hypocrite to many.

Also, if he does fight for only single payer, will the death threats against him go up? I wonder what he and his wife tell their kids if they ask about stuff like that?

Obama says that 4 House committees have passed early versions of this bill. The Senate has nothing. Which means that all of the House versions are essentially meaningless. Did Obama cancel the now not-so-secret deal with the drug companies to gurantee their profits? His Press Secretary can avoid the issue all he wants. But why did he do it?

Because you have to sell out to get a little of something else? What do you then say to millions who continue to not have health coverage? Be good Democrats and we know what we're doing? Howard Dean continues to be a spokesman for Pelosi, Reid and the drug companies. It's amazing that a doctor can actually be supportive of the billions that they make.

But that's one opinion.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Some Positive Changes

Went to get my potassium and try that out in the diet. We haven't seen any studies that definately prove that there's a diet-PTSD connection. Then again, there's practically a study to support anything. Is this ALL a corporate plot?

We're really trying to keep a balance. The tolerance for junk food is gone. As for triggers, one minute we feel like there's some balance. The next, we curl up in the corner and have to fight off all the assholes that treated us like shit. Or want to rape and then kill us.

At night, sometimes we keep a pair of scissors or a knife next to the bed just in case. A gun permit is out of the question because if we black out, it's too dangerous.

What sources for help do you use? We hope this helps. But also, have your found Stateside ones that are beneficial? For us, sometimes we use intl. help lines. They're are lots of them out there. You just have to check them out.

Thanks for the support. And please link this blog everywhere you can.

Monday, September 7, 2009

A Breakthrough?

How's your week? Came across something interesting about PTSD. Eating too much salt depletes potassium in your body. Not enough potassium can cause problems with your nervous system. Including PTSD tremors as well?

There's a little more awareness of diet right now. We just don't have tolerance for tons of salt, sugar, fat and other stuff. So we'll try to avoid it as much as possibe. Does this also effect adrenalin surges too? We're not sure.

Your thoughts on this.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Day 6 and Catching Up

How's your holiday weekend? Here, it's pacing (some work that has to be done. And then how do you party on very little money)? We'll work it out.

Went shopping earlier today and had a big surprise. Usually on a hot day you automatically buy bottled water? Thinking that you're being good to your body? You're not. It turns out that the average bottle of water has almost 100 grams of salt in it. A bottle of tea? Maybe 20. Which means that the bottled water racket is just that? Salty tap water that makes your body lose more water the more you drink. Also, we think that's a big part of dealing with tremors from dissociating. Now a challenge. Is it possible to have a salt-free diet? We'll let you know how it goes.

How's it going dealing with your triggers?

Saturday, September 5, 2009


Into the holiday weekend. And everything still has to be censored. Do you have the feeling that all of the terror of being raped suddenly hits you all at once? It feels like everything's going to turn black. You have nowhere to escape to and you have ten seconds to live. How do you cope with that (especially when you're in a crowded place)?

At times flashbacks are dissociating feel like you're going to snap. But you also know that you have to get it out (in a hopefully safe manner). How do you cope with feeling empty? You know that you're here. But you feel like there's literally nothing else. If that happens to us we have to literally shock ourselves back into some sense of balance.

Have a safe weekend.

Friday, September 4, 2009

4 Days in a Row!

Happy holiday weekend here in the States. In th U.K., you already had your holiday weekend. Now it 's our turn.

Will anybody be traveling anywhere? Probably not. I'd like to. But money is still tight.

We're still sticking to protection at all costs. Tonight, we're staying in and no noise. The Blackberry is off. Just peace and quiet.

How do you cope when you need to turn everything off? Lately for us it's just disconnect everything. You don't have to check your email. There's literally nothing on TV. Online, not much either.

Do you still have flashbacks and violent lucid dreams? Sometimes we do (usually at the worst times). How do you cope with that AND safely get out of a crowded place? How do you regain sensation in your hands so you can dial a number on your mobile? Sometimes adrenalin surges are so bad it takes almost 20 minutes to be able to do it.

A step at a time. But we're not sure when we'll be able to go back to the therapist. For now, it's use other sources.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Day 3 and Here's Wha't's Up

Doing ok today? We still have to fight to focus in the morning. We still have to edit everything. But then again, protecting yourself comes first.

Any suggestions on herbs that help you to cope? Please post if you do.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Sticking to It

Trying to stick to posting every day. Also, today I stocked up on green salsa for the chips. Am I addicted? We'll see....

EVERYTHING is raw right now. No TV, no news (unless it's a emergency), no tunes, nothing. Everything feels like a threat. Hyperawareness is really high. Which means we're doing everything we can to stay grounded.

Are you having stretches like this? If you are, what helps you to deal with it? Do you have the feeling that you're about right steps ahead of the world? Are you the ONLY one that sees what's going on? We know we're not. Still, at times you feel like all of the terror of being raped hits you at once. And where do you go to try and get your balance back?

My suggestion: stay away from all MSM. The politicians have NO CLUE about what's going on :).

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Time to Catch Up (Contains Really Strong Content)

How's your week? I'm really trying to post regularly. I hate it when you get nice a nice groove going with posts. And then suddenly nothing. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for the comments. When you post, it's all anonymous. There's no master data base keeping track of you, no connections to secret CIA programs. None of that. We have enough stress to deal with.

Lately symptoms have been REALLY rough. It feels like all of the terror of being repeatedy raped is flooding out. Earlier today we almost blacked out because everything was hitting hard. Being pinned down, these sick assholes going down on you. Scream all you want, nobody cares. I'm gonna suck you dry and then cut you up into a million pieces. And other sick crap.

Finally we got some balance back and called a help line. We have about four that we can call if we need to. Now we can't watch TV, read books or just go out. EVERYTHING has to be screened. Otherwise, you dissociate for hours and feel like you're going to snap.

How do you cope with the feeling that the world says just piss off and go away? We try not to dwell on this. But we all have bad days.

What helps you to focus? We're finding that nutrition, Chinese herbs and juices help some. Any ideas????