Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Balance is a Struggle

Not much sleep last night. Lots of dissociating, and at times you feel like you have no control. Today, lots of supplements and just time to rest.

Do you just turn everything off at times? At times I just turn everything off and just sit. I don't want to be on call. I don't want to be bombarded by tons of stimulus and triggering stuff. I just want quiet.

I still have to fight dissociating every day. Another thing to struggle with is messed up adrenal glands. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck. This has meant endless stress at times. Even if you do the usual grounding techniques that many times don't work.

What do you do then?

I know I don't have any other serious physical problem right now. Various doctor appointments and my psych evaluation are coming. In the meantime, take things in really small splits. How do I get thru the next 10 seconds?

Nightmares and body pains are still there. It's not because of eating too late at night or caffeine or sugar to keep up you up. It feels like it's just backed up trauma that's flooding out.

Wi-fi is still one tool to try and cope with dissociating. Have something tangible to listen to or watch.

The other thing? You can't just sit back and do nothing. Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do in their overall healing. Just in my case, that doesn't work. If you do that, you feel like you're falling apart. Why live like that?

Monday, April 29, 2013

All In 10 Seconds

Staying home right now and time to write. Then to clean. After that, more tea.

Just got back from some morning shopping. And I actually turned down a lot of really sweet stuff. Do I really want about 100 packets of sugar in my system right now? No I don't. Instead, try to focus on some sense of balance.

One minute there's some sense of balance. Then, despair and crippling emptiness and abandonment. However, we're being told that none of this is abnormal in any way.

Screen everything. Set boundaries. We still want some sense of validation and relief from horrible pain. All in tiny 10 second splits.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Focus and Rest

Kicking back today and trying to just focus my energy. More nightmares and almost no sleep at night. I really don't want to go back on medication. As for herbal supplements, many are almost as expensive.

Another thing to deal with? Staying off sugar. I actually turned down all junk food today. A huge step in the right direction.

Now, pay attention to the effects of things on you.

Saturday, April 27, 2013


Staying in for a while and just concentrating on writing. Not much sleep now for the past week. It's more nightmares, and then you can't go back to sleep around 3 a.m. You eat some breakfast and try to just focus your energy until you feel like you can finally get up. Do we give in and have tons of sugar and caffeine? We're really trying hard to not to.

Dissociating is still exhausting to deal with. You know you're on the right track, and you don't want to fall apart. Then, at the end of the day you feel like you can barely move. My now former counselor had a good point. Unfortunately, severe pain can't be avoided in this case. You didn't face it for a long time, and that's nobody's fault. Now though, it either comes out in a good way, or a bad way.

Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need all of the sugar and caffeine? Instead, try something else. That doesn't mean never have fun. Just pay attention to how stuff affects you.

Sadness and a feeling of abandonment are still there. However, I did nothing wrong.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Protecting Your Health

A lot in done in stages today. I finished with my latest counselor, who gave me lots of helpful ideas and a referral to a second low income health center. The idea being, draw on as many sources as possible. Then make informed choices.

That being said, there are some days where there's lots of horrible pain. My now former counselor says that one part of this is that you can't avoid that. Considering how severe your symptoms have been (and for how long they were untreated), this isn't strange in any way.

I still fight to not dissociate. For a long time I used lots of other way to escape (drugs, hookers, soft core porn, etc.).  Finally I reached a point and said I can't live like this anymore. Which means you go from having a sex partner anytime you want who will do anything you want to not having anyone there. You realize that it's an empty bed. There's nobody there. No matter what you do, it's just you. You could say that's growth in one sense. It's also terrifying in another in almost feeling abandoned.

As I said, when these decisions come up (dissociate and disappear, or go the other way), I choose to go the other way. Lately, this has meant almost no sleep for the past 4 or 5 nights. You try and cope as best you can by just resting and trying to focus your energy so you finally feel like you can move.
But also, I like real things with real people. Not just some screen image.

Dissociating at times is really painful. You feel like you can't focus. It's almost like holding onto something and fighting to not black out.

Despite all that, I know I did nothing wrong. None of this is weird. If it doesn't come out in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. Now though, my health comes first.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Lots of Bases

Lots of pacing today as we get some stuff done. Also, not much sleep at night. Lots of nightmares, dissociating and body memory and pain. On the other hand, more sources to go and get help from.

Stay safe, and time to kick back.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Pay Attention to Effects

A day of doing stuff in stages. At times, I just sit with no noise and just do nothing. Just pay attention to how you feel.

Some medical appointments are coming up soon. In the meantime, I just go in stages. Wake up and try to focus your energy as best you can. Then, lots of massage to try and not feel empty. Then, pause at times during the day and just turn things off. There's still despair, abandonment and just wanting no stimulus. You just want peace, quiet and to heal.

If I'm not careful with the diet, it really throws my chemistry off. It doesn't mean never have fun. Just pay attention to the effects of things on you.

I've also had to be selective about online content and issues. It is okay to say no to someone working on an important issue and not feel guilty about it. My health and security come first.

The other thing to keep in mind as you feel empty and cry? It's not your fault.

Monday, April 22, 2013

A Lot in the Past 2 Weeks

Sorry to have been away for a while. It's been a rough almost two weeks. Time now to catch up. First though, thanks for the comments and support. As a favor to me, please pass this blog's URL onto anyone you feel that it will help. However, your personal security comes first.

There's always a lot of talk in 12-step programs about reaching a "brick wall". A "moment of  ______". The point in my case is that last week I finally reached a point where I said, I give up. Not in the sense of screw the world, I'm killing myself. Instead, I can't deal with symptoms, holding down jobs, looking cool and calm on the outside when on the inside I'm trying not to black out or attack anyone.

I need help.

The next step was lots of calls and instant messages to various people in the immediate family and lots of mental health sources. I almost checked myself into a psych ward. Then, I thought about the first time I did that. I thought I was suicidal, but then after I was inside I realized that I wasn't. It took me about three days to literally fight my way out. Then, I got no support whatsoever. While I'm not a lifelong grudge kind of person, being a normal human being, that's a terrifying experience which I never want to do ever again. UNLESS my life is threatened.

The good news? At 7:34 p.m. CST as I write this, no chance of offing myself.

Now, I've made arrangements (the details of which will remain private) to be able to keep my current benefits and not work. Instead, my job now is my health. It means a psychiatric evaluation coming soon, along with other appointments.

Unless my life depends on it, my first choice is to not go into a psych ward or on medication. Medication in the past was a band aid. It didn't help the underlying problems. So why go back on it?

Now, dissociating and adrenalin surges are two of the biggest problems. I literally have to take tiny steps and focus to not lose sensation in different parts of my body. In some crowded places I have to fight to focus when part of me screams THREAT!, and I instantly look for my weapon.

At times during the day I feel like pressure is closing in on me. Despair and abandonment still happen. You turn things off, sit or go for a walk. No noise, no being bombarded by stimulus. You just want peace.

If I go into what seems like a non-threatening place among people that I know, I still feel threatened. I still dissociate and have trouble focusing.

You try the usual grounding techniques. Yet, many times they don't work.

Now what do you do?

Many times you feel exhausted and just want to protect yourself. I'm really trying to pace myself. You don't have to do 50 things in the next 3 hours.

I know it's not my fault. None of this is abnormal in any way. I didn't ask for any of this.

I just want some things. A sense of validation. Relief from endless pain.

You can't make others understand about trauma. On the other hand, you can and must protect yourself as reasonably as possible. Not perfectionism, but a healthy balance.

I'm setting boundaries and screening everything. Why? Because threats seem to be everywhere.

Thanks for the support. Again, please spread this blog everywhere you can, UNLESS it might endanger you or someone else.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Important Questions

How's your week? Into the weekend, and we're struggling with lots of despair and abandonment.

We came across something online recently that was hard to deal with. Just how severe has our dissociating been from being raped? Every single day from that point, we've had to fight really hard to not give into daily abuse.

Abuse from people who say they're your friends.
Immediate family.

Also, no support from various people in authority roles. I won't go into all the abusive stuff that they said, so we won't end up dissociating for about two week to try and get our balance back.

Having said that, how do you reason with someone who uses double standards? One minute, it's I care about you. Then, I can do and say anything I please. Does that upset you in any way? Am I OFFENDING you in some way (heavy sarcasm on offending)?

No, sorry. You can't have it both ways. I just meekly sit back and do nothing? No.

That's how severely dysfunctional a lot of my fight to survive has been.

Since I've been raped, I've only had half a day of no dissociating. I've never had a PTSD symptom free day.

How does that affect someone?

I know it's not my fault. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Yet, being a normal human being, I feel like I've only had one person actually give me a reassuring hug and say I'm sorry you were raped that actually meant it.

Again, how are you supposed to feel? Yes, I'm a survivor. My little kid and multiples are survivors as well. But also, I'm a human being with emotions and not a case file.

Do you cry every night?
Do you feel abandoned?
Do you feel like people admit that you're there?
How do you set boundaries?
How do you protect yourself from dissociating?
Do you feel like you've been deprived of all supportive human contact since you were raped?

Feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Balance is the Key

It's a busy week. The new job is never slow, but we're keeping up. We're also dealing with sadness and feelings of abandonment.

Be as nice as you can to yourself.
You have no control over the horrible things others may say and do. However, you can protect yourself.
It' not your fault.
Has anyone ever given you a reassuring hug in any way?

Despite the feelings of sadness and more, none of it is abnormal in any way.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A Sense of Balance

How's your weekend? Here, it's a mix of study and trying to keep a sense of balance as best you can.
Along the way, it's also try to cope with flashbacks, despair and abandonment.

While you can't control other people, everyone struggles with wanting to be validated and to be reassured. What happens when you don't have that? We've fought that every single day since we got raped. Fought to keep some sense of balance.

How's yours?

Friday, April 5, 2013


A long day and a long week. Now, time to kick back for a while and reassure ourselves.

Everybody has moments where they need some reassurance for a variety of reasons. For a few weeks now, I've had a sense of despair. You get up, go to work and do all the other things you have to do. There's also a sense of despair and at times of being abandoned.

You try not to dwell on it. You know that it's not your fault. Despite all that, it's still there.

One way to look at it is detoxifying (both physically and mentally). Being raped isn't your fault. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But, you also want some sense of validation. If someone feels like they've never had any reassuring physical contact for being a trauma survivor, what kind of effects does that have on someone? You could go thru the long explanation of there are no "definitive" studies on this, everyone's different, and more.

All of that may be true. However, we're talking about actual human beings. Not case files for a psychiatry journal.

We just try to reassure ourselves. It's not our fault. Take things in really tiny segments. It's okay to cry all day long.

Unfortunately, there is no instant cure for trauma.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Balance and Validation

How's the week going? Here, it's into the new job, lots of information, and going okay.

There's also feelings of despair and abandonment for about 2 weeks now. One mantra is that it's not abnormal in any way, considering all the trauma that happened. Face it head on in the most non-threatening way possible.

It feels like non-stop detoxifying (both physically and emotionally). You cry, you turn things off and don't know what to do. Then again, just cover bases and keep your balance as best you can.

Any other ideas?