Friday, April 12, 2013

Important Questions

How's your week? Into the weekend, and we're struggling with lots of despair and abandonment.

We came across something online recently that was hard to deal with. Just how severe has our dissociating been from being raped? Every single day from that point, we've had to fight really hard to not give into daily abuse.

Abuse from people who say they're your friends.
Immediate family.

Also, no support from various people in authority roles. I won't go into all the abusive stuff that they said, so we won't end up dissociating for about two week to try and get our balance back.

Having said that, how do you reason with someone who uses double standards? One minute, it's I care about you. Then, I can do and say anything I please. Does that upset you in any way? Am I OFFENDING you in some way (heavy sarcasm on offending)?

No, sorry. You can't have it both ways. I just meekly sit back and do nothing? No.

That's how severely dysfunctional a lot of my fight to survive has been.

Since I've been raped, I've only had half a day of no dissociating. I've never had a PTSD symptom free day.

How does that affect someone?

I know it's not my fault. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Yet, being a normal human being, I feel like I've only had one person actually give me a reassuring hug and say I'm sorry you were raped that actually meant it.

Again, how are you supposed to feel? Yes, I'm a survivor. My little kid and multiples are survivors as well. But also, I'm a human being with emotions and not a case file.

Do you cry every night?
Do you feel abandoned?
Do you feel like people admit that you're there?
How do you set boundaries?
How do you protect yourself from dissociating?
Do you feel like you've been deprived of all supportive human contact since you were raped?

Feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.


jan.4987 said...

Hello soho44

I'm so sorry that all this has happened to you, not just the rape, but the continued abuse of attempts to silence you.

Society claims to care about victims of childhood rape, but I'm unconvinced. Socially, I don't look for a shoulder to cry on, but sometimes it's necessary to explain why I get tired easily or I have days when I can't do much, or why a certain situation is not an option for me (because if it's not someone's fault I want them to know my reasons so that they know I'm not annoyed with them) and then it doesn't matter how brief and matter-of-fact I am about what happened to me when I was little, people disengage. I think they'd be happy enough for me to exist on paper (most of the time), but they don't want me to exist in the same room as them, right in front of them, as an individual with a unique face and unique voice, as a human being. That gets in their way. Supposedly rape victims make up around 20% of the population, but I feel like people want us to hide our identity because it annoys them, and that's a big group of people to keep invisible. They care in theory, but not in practice. Cognitive dissonance I guess.

I'm doing my best to recover, but feeling like society wants me to shut up and go away is not helping. I have subscribed to your blog because you're the first person I've encountered who talks about anything at all like this. What you write makes sense to me. I hope I've got what I mean down in the right words; I'm never sure!

I'm not a big talker, but I'll be here reading. Thank you for all you've written.


soho44 said...

Thanks for the support.