Monday, September 30, 2013

Keep Your Balance

Los of triggering stuff happening right now. Think of this as kind of like a smog alert. Be careful, and protect yourself.

As many things happen that you have no direct control over, what do you do? Do you have the feeling of if everyone would just listen to me we could solve all of these problems in one day? If you could, that would be great. Yet, it probably won't happen. I still have to check my activist impulse to keep it going in a good way.

I also have to fight to keep aware of what's real and what isn't. It's like there's a fine line that you can't cross. If you do, you'll fall apart.

Protect yourself at all costs in a good way.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

It Must Be the Weekend

A cloudy and cool Sunday as I sit and write. How's your time zone? If there are any problems (no holiday time, etc.), I have nothing to do with it.

Closer to home, we're still doing our best to keep a sense of balance. Not perfectionism, but a sense of balance. My junk food habit is almost non-existant because my tolerance for chemicals is almost gone. The tiniest amount of caffeine, sugar or soy makes symptoms way worse than they are now. In that sense, what else can I do?

How are you dealing with anger these days? We have to be careful because many times we have to focus before we go out. If we don't, it feels like we'll attack and kill anyone who gets in our way. I don't like the way you look. So I'll just kill you instead. I've never acted on any of this anger. Yet, my evil side is still there and many times screaming all kinds of sick racist and other garbage.

Do you still have despair and a sense of abandonment? Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do or how they should feel. Having said that, these still happen to us. Can we trust anyone? Is literally every other person out to screw us over? How do we protect ourselves?

One way is to set positive boundaries where necessary. It sounds silly, but I'll say it anyway. It really is okay to say no when necessary. In the past, one survival mechanism was to turn away and silently scream so you wouldn't be abused. Now, I still struggle with that.

Do you feel like you'll literally snap in two? Do you want to just attack anyone that dares to even look at you? Is everyone lying to me when they say they're concerned about me?

Do nightmares still happen to you? At times we still struggle with hallucinations (due to ongoing caffeine withdrawl?). If you don't fight back, you feel like you'll fall apart and literally vanish.

You can't sit back and do nothing.

At the end of most days we feel totally wiped out. We try really hard to not dissociate. Instead, do something else that's positive and not destructive. When we do, many times it feels like we have to focus really hard to know what's real and what's not.

We try not to beat ourselves up over how severe our symptoms have been and continue to be. Yet, like any normal person you feel cheated and want validation. How do you balance those things?

Time now to break our "no progressive political content" rule for a second.

All of you know about the ongoing threat of a government shutdown and then debt default here in the States. Do you realize that if the States had single payer health care (like the rest of you), none of this would be happening? Then again, publically talking about single payer health care is currently illegal in the MSM.

On the other hand, we don't work for any of those people. So we'll continue to speak out.

Friday, September 27, 2013


How's your week been? Here, it's been getting thru unexpected bills, symptoms and more. Now, just kick back and some nice tea.

I know there's no magic cure to dealing with trauma. However, all normal human beings who are trauma survivors have their bad moments. Anger, frustrations, feeling abandoned, and wondering do I have to cure myself? You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can protect yourself as best you can.

How do you not give into the feeling that everybody is out to attack you? Is everyone lying to you? I really don't want to end up like that.

Set your boundaries and protect yourself. Also, pay attention to the effects of things on you. In much of Western culture, it's in-your-face that's normal. In other places, it's indirectness. If something's second nature, is it really good for you? If it is, so much the better. If not, what else can you do?

In my case, I try as best I can to not dissociate. Do something else that's positive. You feel many times like you'll snap, black out or just kill everyone who gets in your way. Then again, considering everything that I've been thru (along with my little kid and multiples), none of this is abnormal. Scary and horrible, yes. But not strange.

Have a nice night.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

A Good Energy Flow

Another rough start in trying to wake up. You have to focus and try hard to not feel like you're getting assaulted with dissociating and other symptoms. I've been on my detox diet now for over 3 months. It feels like every day you stay clean there are new realizations to deal with.

You have thoughts about suicide, death, seeing what life would be life without you. Late at night I have flashbacks to abuse from my little kid's point of view. What's real and what's not?

I have no death wish. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. Yet all of this keeps coming out.

All of the mental health sources that I trust all say the same thing. As horrible as all of this is, it's to be expected, considering your trauma history. If it didn't come out, then you'd really be in trouble.

You try to focus, but you still have to fight to not black out. Bits and pieces of scenes, sights, sounds and other stuff comes out of nowhere. Many times I have no idea what it is. Then again, what else can I do right now?

The new guy support group starts soon. In the meantime, keep using the support system.

Friday, September 20, 2013

A Very Hectic Week

Finally some peace and quiet at home. Just some writing online and some herbal tea.
Where did I vanish to? It wasn't by choice. My old laptop finally gave out (it usually happens when you least expect it). This meant some fast online shopping, comparisons, runarounds, and then finally upgrading my home network. Now I can do everything 5 times faster than before. Tyr to stay slightly ahead of the technology curve, if you can.

Symptoms are still there. Dissociating is hard to deal with when it happens with panic attacks. You feel like you don't know where you are, and how do you ground yourself? Sometimes the standard methods don't work. What then?

One mantra I try to stick with is despite all of the horrible symptoms that happen, it's not my fault. I did nothing wrong, and have no control over other horrible people. However, I will protect my overall well being.

Turn things off, and say that none of this is abnormal in any way. I don't have a death wish. I don't want to hurt either myself or anyone else. This is all perfectly normal considering the horrible trauma that happened to me.

On bad days with anger, I try to have time for me to just sit and focus. In a crowded place, try to focus as your evil side screams obscenities and other garbage at everyone around you. Try not to snap and literally fall apart.

I have days where it feels like you just cry. Then again, there's nothing wrong with facing your trauma history in the most non-threatening way possible.

Have a nice night.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

It's Not Abnormal in Any Way

Just trying to stick to a positive balance as I go along. My symptoms are still there. However, none of it's abnormal in any way. It's all a scary at times but normal survival mechanism.

Have a good day.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Lots to Do

Places to go and things to do. Also in the mix, trying to keep some sense of balance. My GP says that all of my test results so far are negative. I'm still sticking with it's all connected (your mind/body connection).

Keep in mind it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Lots to Deal With

This week, what is it? Appointments, find a new PC, CD/DVD burner/player, and more. Despite all that, I'm really trying to keep my balance.

It's not my fault and I'm telling the truth.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

More of everything?

Some new job leads. Also, more emptiness and despair. On the other hand, I'm setting boundaries as best I can, and saying no when necessary.

Saying no when needed is really okay.

Monday, September 9, 2013


I'm getting out of the house and getting things done. Despite that, there's lots of emptiness and depression as well. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Yet everything feels empty.

Waiting to find out about a PTSD support group. The now former therapist didn't work out for various reasons. Which means find something new and better.

How do you deal with despair?

Thursday, September 5, 2013


Symptoms are still there. I'm still sticking to my holistic routine as I try to cope as best I can. What's another part of this? Trying as much as possible to trust your intuition.

The basic idea is this. The cleaner your system, the more receptive you are. Are you always right? No. On the other hand, what you should do first is this. Don't overthink. Just start by asking yourself, how do I deal with this? One really exhausting thing for me is constantly fighting to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing or go with your feelings. That doesn't work for me. Instead, you try to keep some sense of balance. Not perfectionism. But balance.

What else can you do?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Holiday Thoughts

Hi from a long holiday weekend here in the States. If you're not in a holiday weekend, I had nothing to do with it.

This means staying away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Do you really need to be on (insert famous site name) 15 hours a day? If you're getting paid, that's different. If not, how do you balance everything?

In my case, not having a personal assistant, you have to just prioritize. What do I want to do right now? Building up income streams is high on the list. Who doesn't need extra money these days?

As that happens, I'm also dealing with more doctor and therapist appointments. I'm still job hunting and trying for schedules that will leave days open. That way you don't have to fight bosses for time off.

How are your symptoms these days? Do you still have nightmares, body pain and more? My system is still shot from a long period of abuse from others and myself (thru diet, alcoholism and other stuff). Now, I stay away from the destructive dissociative things as much as possible. Instead of helping to relieve pain, it just makes it worse.

Why do so many others try to beat trauma survivors down? Why do they do and say cruel things with no apparent comprehension? I don't know. However, I do know that just like the rest of us, they have to deal with the consequences of that.

I'm not saying 24/7 perfectionism. I'm saying a positive balance that lets you protect yourself as well. I still have bad days where feelings of abandonment almost paralyze you. Can I believe anybody when they say they care about me? If that's true, then why the next minute do you treat me like s**t?

Am I the only one that sees this hypocracy and abuse from others? Am I the only one who's not severly delusional?

I do know that I'm not responsible for other peoples' mental health. I'm not going to beg you to go to therapy or do anything. Also, I won't just sit back and not protect myself. Just because you're related to someone abusive, are you supposed to sit like a battered wife and let your abusive husband beat the s**t out of you?

I can protect myself and not sink down to someone else's disfunctional level. I have to because nobody else will do it for me.

I'm not on call 24/7 like Obama. Besides, would I really want that unrelenting pressure? Right now, no. Certainly not for $400,000 a year.

Despite still having all the usual PTSD symptoms, I keep reminding myself that it's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. Also, as horrible as this is at times, I'm not "abnormal" in any way.

Have a good day.