Another rough start in trying to wake up. You have to focus and try hard to not feel like you're getting assaulted with dissociating and other symptoms. I've been on my detox diet now for over 3 months. It feels like every day you stay clean there are new realizations to deal with.
You have thoughts about suicide, death, seeing what life would be life without you. Late at night I have flashbacks to abuse from my little kid's point of view. What's real and what's not?
I have no death wish. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. Yet all of this keeps coming out.
All of the mental health sources that I trust all say the same thing. As horrible as all of this is, it's to be expected, considering your trauma history. If it didn't come out, then you'd really be in trouble.
You try to focus, but you still have to fight to not black out. Bits and pieces of scenes, sights, sounds and other stuff comes out of nowhere. Many times I have no idea what it is. Then again, what else can I do right now?
The new guy support group starts soon. In the meantime, keep using the support system.
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