Sunday, January 31, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Trying to rest enough to deal with the constant stress of symptoms. Stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Keep your p/h balance set, and it helps to have more energy at times. Not always. But you can notice a difference.

You have moments of clarity. But then horrible emptiness and not knowing what to do next. What else can you do?

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Trying to Focus

We're getting out and getting things done. But there's also a lot of exhaustion as well. Just try to stay away from junk food, salt and sugar as much as possible.

There are moments of clarity. But then crippling sadness and emptiness. What do you do then?

Friday, January 29, 2016

Sorry to Be Away for a While

How's your weekend looking? Sorry to be gone for a few days. I was so exhausted that it was two days of go out if necessary. Then, go back home and rest. Now, some nice decaf tea with lemon.

As for the other violently triggering garbage happening in the world, protect yourself as best you can. These days, I need a break after 30 seconds or so. Even with listening to tunes, at times it's too much stimulus. You need a break from it.

I used to have lots of destructive stuff to hide behind. I thought it would protect us from pain. But, it only made it worse. Now, we still struggle with denial. But it's not as severe as it used to be.

That doesn't mean that you don't have bad days when you're bombarded with pain and flashbacks. Also, thoughts:

How come we didn't fight back?
How come we didn't kill all three of the psycho rapists?
Why did we freeze?
How come we can't get victim compensation? These crimes don't "officially exist". Therefore, you're ineligible.
How come it feels like nobody wants anything to do with us? Not everybody's evil. So why does it still feel that way?

At times, you really struggle to try and find something good in all of your trauma history. We have no desire to hurt ourselves or anybody else. But those thoughts of what if we weren't here? Would anybody care still happen.

On bad days, you struggle to not literally feel like you're disappearing from the pain. Every day, non stop abuse. Nobody will listen to you or help you. You're telling the truth. But nobody's doing anything.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But thoughts about getting a gun and killing everyone who treated you like shit are there. Threatening to kill the psycho rapists that got away with their crimes. You wouldn't kill them. But you just want to see a split second of terror in their eyes. Maybe that might come remotely close to what you're dealing with.

Do you still have pain every day? In my case, it's also heart disease (circulation pain). One minute you feel like you have some energy. Then, nothing.

You try deep breathing and other ways to feel grounded. But many times they don't work. What do you do then?

Anal pain. Circulation pain. Chest pain. I've tried some pain killers, but they didn't help. Now, I've asked one of my doctors about different herbs instead. We'll see what she says.

You can't control what others say and do. But your well being comes first. Then, save the world.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

It's All Interconnected

Yet another day of fighting symptoms and trying to exercise as much as possible to burn off some trauma energy. Trauma is stored energy in various parts of your body (all the way down to a cellular level). Add to that trying to stay away from salt and sugar so you don't make it worse.

Even with doing that, we still struggle with trying not to dissociate. You have nothing to hide behind. Which means that at times you get hit harder with flashbacks. You scream and try to not black out. What else can you do?

You just want to have some sense of being grounded. But in the process, you don't want to fall apart.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Trying to Rest and Not Dissociate

Symptoms are still there. We're fighting hard to not dissociate and black out. You're exhausted, and don't want to slip back into lots of junk food that will make everything worse. But what else can you do?

More blood tests are on the way.

Friday, January 22, 2016

You Have to Fight Back

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to stay grounded. We're also trying to not have a major junk food relapse. You always feel run down, but don't want to put on lots of weight and then feel even more miserable.

Time to clean.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Don't Be Drugged Out

Everybody has their own trauma history and factors involved in it. Everybody heals at different rates. Also, everyone has different treatment that they follow. Should you take medication or not? My view? If my life depends on it, that's one thing. But if not, my preference is don't take it. Do something else.

By trying to take less and not more, I feel that I've made more progress in dealing with my trauma history. Like the saying goes, the surest way to go to hell is to avoid your trauma history. Denial doesn't work. Being drugged out only makes it even harder. So why would you do that?

We still struggle with bad days in trying to get anger out. Blackouts still happen. Adrenalin surges still happen. Also body memory pain. You scream and try to not fall apart. The anal pain is body memory. The psycho rapist's penis with no condom is not inside your anus. But you still have to struggle with that.

Don't dissociate.
Do something else.
Dissociating will only make the pain worse.

You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't have a choice. But you also feel scared at times in facing how horrible your trauma history has been. You really have to work to try and find some moments of happiness. You feel bombarded with pain, and don't know what to do.

Does this happen to you? Watch this.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Appointments and More

Another appointment today with the psychiatrist. We argued about taking Risperdal, and I made it clear that while I appreciate her ongoing concern to try and help, the best thing is for me not to take it. Yes, that's the harder way to go. On the other hand, taking a holistic approach to my health (with less medication) has helped me more than traditional treatment. Why would anyone want to be drugged out, which would make dealing with mental health problems even worse? So it felt good to clear that up.

As for the ongoing battle with symptoms, dissociating is still one of the hardest to deal with. Adrenalin surges are rough to handle as well. It takes me about 15 minutes to put my socks and shoes on without losing sensation in my feet. One of many common symptoms.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. You don't want to fall apart. You can't control what other people do and say. But I will protect myself.

I don't want to black out, and have no idea of what happened. Blackouts still happen. But, overall I'm on the right track.

Protect yourself.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Into a new week with appointments, big car repair bills and more. But, despite that, don't dissociate. You scream and fight to not black out.

Don't dissociate.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Trying to Focus

Another battle today of fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. Flashbacks to being tortured still happen, and you have to fight to not black out. I don't want to endlessly dissociate and make the pain worse.

What other choice do you have?

Friday, January 15, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Fighting hard to not slip and violently dissociate. No, I want to be with real people. I don't want to disappear and have no idea of where I am. Pain hits and you focus hard to protect yourself. You have no other choice.

I want to feel safe in my own home. Not dissociating for hours and having no idea of where I am, what time is it, or anything else.

I don't want to be scared.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Second Opinions and More

Got another opinion today from a doctor regarding Risperdal. When I see the psychiatrist next time, I'll just say only one anti depressant is enough.  I'm actually doing better with holistic approaches to my health than traditional.

Part of it is no matter what, don't dissociate. My multiples at times still throw out thoughts of dissociate and protect us from pain. No, that just makes it worse. You have to protect yourself.

Do you feel paralyzed from abandonment? Moments of clarity happen. But when they do, you don't know what to do.

What else can you do.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Protect Yourself

Still struggling with a stomach virus that's slowing getting better. In the meantime, fight symptoms and try to not to dissociate.

My multiples at times want us to go back to dissociating. It protects us from pain. I try to say, no it doesn't. It makes it worse. At times we just sit and rock back and forth. Just to try and reassure them and me.

Time to check my mail.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

How Could You Not Know?

Went to see one of my GP's today for several things. A stomach virus that won't go away. Also, her opinion about Risperdal. I'm not expecting perfection from doctors. But I am expecting that they would help me to consider all reputable options before I make a health decision.

For anyone who doesn't know, Risperdal is a SSRI anti-depressant that affects your dopamine and seratonin levels. It's commonly used for schizophrenia in adults. But sadly it's commonly used for little kids and for seniors who could be struggling with dementia or other problems.

Basically, she politely avoided the question. I'm an internist, not a psychiatrist. That's not my specialty, you need to talk to her, etc. As I was listening, other things came to mind:

Are you saying you don't know anything about it? How could you not know? The manufacturer has paid out over $3 billion in claims, and is still fighting lawsuits. It's in the news right now. The AMA knows about it. So how could you not know?

You want nothing to do with it. So that way you won't get sued.

Do any of these apply to her? Who knows. I've also talked to two other drug experts about it. Both have the same attitude. I'll try one more before I see the psychiatrist again.

When I do though, I've decided that I won't take it. Many of my psychosis symptoms are gone. So why should I? But having said that, this leads into bigger issues.

Who can you believe? It's not a game show. It's something that millions of people struggling try to deal with. Drugs (at least in the US) continue to be more expensive. Med tours from here to Canada continue to get the same drugs for a discount. Meanwhile, giant corporations continue to merge and look for new ways to make even more billions.

On the one hand you could say legally that's what they're supposed to do. They have a fiduciary duty to their board of directors and shareholders to make as much money as possible. What's wrong with that. That's how capitalism works. Gordon Gekko soundbite: greed, (for lack of a better word), is good.

That doesn't help millions who try to get help for various types of mental health problems. If you can find somewhere to go for help, are you relegated to 10 minutes per session with your therapist? How is anyone supposed to make any kind of progress in THAT system? As scary as that sounds, we all know that this exists and continues.

Can I singlehandedly stop all of the evil people out there that want to get rich no matter what? Unfortunately, no. That doesn't stop the fear that trauma survivors have (nobody helped me). Somebody has to protect others from being abused and then told to go away and die. ALL meds have side effects. Including death. And if you're stupid enough to take one (and too poor for a good solicitor), fuck off and die.

How do you deal with feeling abandoned and wanting to protect everyone who needs to be? While I can't do that, I feel good to be aware and to give a damn.

Stay safe.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Pain Is Flooding Out

It feels like all the pain in my trauma history is flooding out all at once. You try to focus and not feel like you're going to just vanish. You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. But the exhaustion is still there.

You're not insane. You're not going to snap. Despite that, you can't just sit and do nothing. Otherwise, you'll fall apart.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Really Drained

Symptoms and fighting back. Don't dissociate and then black out. Try to focus and not have adrenalin surges. But they're still there.

Unless I have to go somewhere early, I try to eat breakfast and then  go back to bed. Then, if you feel like you have some energy, then  go on with the day. Despite that, it's still a struggle. You scream and try to not snap in two from anger.

But you have no other choice.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Protect Your Well Being

A symptoms continue, I'm really sticking to being as holistically healthy as possible. My tolerance for junk to try and hide from pain doesn't work. Which means that I have nothing to hide behind as I face my trauma history.

You feel exhausted and struggle to not black out. As you lower your sugar level, your dopamine and seratonin levels struggle to try and find some sense of balance. Tiny amounts of salt triggers a lot of symptoms.

Health isn't just physical. It's emotional as well. And I don't want to die from chemicals or anger from trauma. It doesn't mean ignore it. Just as you deal with it, don't let it kill you.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Emptiness and Sadness

Symptoms, emptiness and sadness. You have moments of clarity, but then don't know what to do. Despite all of that, I know I'm not crazy. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Don't Get Eaten Alive by Anger

I've always tried to face my trauma history as best I can (without endangering myself). That being said, today's one of those severe anger days. Anger at those who laughed at me and treated me like shit. Those who couldn't be bothered to admit that I exist. Those who think I'm their worst nightmare (just for being a rape survivor).

I don't want to get a gun and kill all of them. But at times I do think about having a gun and defending myself. If not a gun, what's my weapon? I don't have to look behind me. I can sense that they're there. Everything feels heightened.

Some martial arts like karate are defensive. You counter your opponents' chi. Others like judo and tai chi use your opponents' momentum against them. Then you have Israeli haganah. In this, you strike first to kill. No hesitation. Even though the person behind me isn't physically attacking me, you can't just stand there and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

I could get a gun and openly carry it where I live. But that would be really stupid. Every time I think about doing that, I have split second visions of killing myself.

Bad idea.

I have moments of clarity. But then really scary emptiness. Does anybody care?

Tuesday, January 5, 2016


Another exhausting day of symptoms, and feeling empty in moments of clarity. You feel abandoned, but you have to fight back. You have things to do and you try to get thru them. But many times you just and don't know what to do.

Hope you're doing better.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Everything is Low

No chi flow. No appetite. The symptoms are still there. Which means you have to fight back.

Go out when necessary. Then go back home and rest.

Sunday, January 3, 2016


Another day of having to go out, and then coming back home and resting. You have to fight back to not dissociate and feel some sense of being grounded. But it's totally exhausting. I don't want to fall back into the trap of more sugar to feel normal. It's like you have no energy all day long.

On the other hand, I know that I'm on the right path. Stay well.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

You Have to Protect Yourself

Another cold Saturday, and no relief for a while. At least there are no floods. No snow. No hurricanes or other "now it's the norm" severe weather.

That doesn't mean that symptoms have gone away. Dissociating is still incredibly exhausting. Fortunately I haven't had a major slip and gone back to junk food and lots of salt and sugar. Sometimes during the day I just go home and lie down. I want no noise. I just want peace and quiet, and to feel safe in my own home.

Do you still give into the urge to singlehandedly saving the world all by yourself? Activists will say it's your duty to make the world better. My response? Your well being comes first. Because if you're not together, you can't be effective. Even as things get worse and worse; you have to protect yourself first. Why? Because otherwise it doesn't work.

As you deal with your own trauma history, are you being heard? 50 different women say that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. They sue him, and he sues them. His attorney is now in major spin control mode. Don't be passive. Take control of the narrative.

Call me old school. But anyone who gives you drugs, booze and then has sex with you against your will is a rapist. It's bizarre how some people try to justify this:

Nobody forced this woman to take these qualludes. Nobody forced her to drink this glass of wine. Which means that both she and Cosby had consensual sex. Adultery is not illegal. If your partner finds out, she can sue the shit out of you for everything you've got. But it's not illegal.

Speaking as one rape survivor, that's fucking sick. Yes I know Cosby's attorney is very expensive and good at her job of damage control and suing the fuck out of anybody who dares to attack a filthy rich and famous celebrity.

Obvious question. If all 50 of these women are telling the truth, why does Cosby's wife stay with him? Is it because of his fame, money and power? Is it because she really believes that all of these women are ganging up to get money out of him with lies?

Nobody is ever mentioning the fact of how hard it is for any rape survivor to have the courage to come forward. What if it was 50 guys instead of 50 women? Would there be even more hype, because it involves gay sex? Who knows.

All the more reason to protect yourself. Screen everything to reasonably protect yourself from triggering stuff. Because nobody else will.

Friday, January 1, 2016

The First Day

How was your New Years? Went out for a while to what I thought would be a decent party. Turned out, not happening. Then, time to go home and stay warm. Instead of staying up all night, went to sleep around 2 a.m. What time is that in your part of the world? You do the math.

Now, the first day and there's no chi flow. if I have to go out somewhere, I do. Then, it's back home and lie down. Dissociating is still one of the most debilitating symptoms. Then again, you can't sit and do nothing.

We know we did nothing wrong. We know it's not our fault. But you still have horrible days with feeling abandoned. How come nobody helped us? That's not letting the psycho rapists control your life. That's facing your trauma history.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism and other destructive stuff. When I need to, I read about how other notorious alcoholics stopped. Do I really want to go back to that? No.

Have fun.