Tuesday, December 30, 2014

You Have to Fight Back

Another day with non stop fighting of symptoms. There;s no medication to help you deal with dissociation. Which means by the end of the day, you're completely exhausted.

Will we go out tomorrow for New Years? We'll see.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

How Do You Cope with Despair?

How was your Xmas? Did you feel safe? We struggled at times to not black out. If I go shopping, I have to check to make sure there's nobody hiding in the back of my car waiting to grab me and slit my throat. In crowded places, is everyone a threat? The rational part of you wants to say no. Yet, you can't let your guard  down for a second.

We haven't had a good nights' sleep in over a month. Then, when you finally try to get up the next morning, you don't want to slip back into drinking lots of caffeine and sugar. I've been sober now for over twenty years. Do I want to go back to horrible alcoholism and feeling sick from junk food all the time? No I don't.

Do you feel abandoned? We break down and cry in the middle of the day.

Here's an important thing for all trauma survivors to keep in mind. The suffering are not an abstraction.

Pause for ten seconds, Then,  please reread the last sentence.

When you're trying to be heard, do you feel like people pay attention? On bad days with anger, we have to try really hard to not attack people. Also, to not hurt little kids.

Torture flashbacks still happen. You scream and fight to keep some sense of being grounded. despite that, at times nothing works,

What do you do then?

At the end of the day, we're totally exhausted. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

What's helping you right now?

Thursday, December 25, 2014


It's a mixture. Xmas, some gifts and a decent dinner. On the other hand, abandonment and fighting to not black out.

Stay safe.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Protect Yourself

Happy Xmas to our global audience. As you go along, here's hoping that it will be a safe time. Why do people do horrible stuff? I don't know. But I do know that you have to protect yourself.

Staying in tonight. Stay away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Stay safe because you deserve to be.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Some Holiday Thoughts

First, thanks to all of our loyal global readers. We don't know who you are. We could get a Google satellite image of your house. But that wouldn't be cool.

Instead, how do you cope with symptoms, ESPECIALLY around Christmas? No approach works for everyone. But here are some ideas that might.

You're not responsible for what others say and do- This applies to other horrible people. Why do they say and these horrible things? I have no idea.

Having said that, you're not responsible for someone else's health (health is both physical and mental). If someone tells you that being raped by pedophiles is normal sexual experimentation, how do you respond to that?

Is this person mentally ill?
Are they a sociopath who has no comprehension of others?
Why would any sane person say something like that?

I don't know. But I do know that that is their problem, not mine. I try to keep my side of things clean so I don't have to apologize for anything later.

You have to set boundaries to protect your well being. At all costs- Nobody else will do it for you.

Right now, we're struggling with, among other symptoms, feeling left out. We're not responsible for being raped. Why then do many want nothing to do with us?

I don't know. However, everything that we're saying here is true. Being a trauma survivor isn't the ONLY thing about you. But it is there, and to be dealt with.

We still fight back in flashbacks when one of the psycho pedophiles is trying to cut our throat. You strike back first. It doesn't matter that nobody is physically there. You HAVE  to fight back.

If your "immediate family" is abusive and makes your symptoms worse, don't go. There is no law that says you are required to be with them every time they say so.

Nobody else will protect your well being.

Do something else. The point is to feel safe.

Have a safe and fun break.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Holiday Stuff

Just one appointment this week. Then, a Christmas break. We can't go anywhere (due to being on a fixed income). Instead, we'll hang out here and stay away from all triggering stuff as much as possible.

Symptoms are still there. We haven't had a good night's sleep in over a month. Lots of nightmares, and then checking to make sure that no one else is in the apartment. You see a little kid out with their mom, and they look happy. But then you think, how come I never had that? Tiny things take a enormous amount of energy to do. You have to sit and focus before you go into a crowded place to protect yourself from threats.

Is everyone a threat? Is everyone carrying a weapon? Where's mine?

You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Do you feel abandoned? While I have "immediate family" that I'm related to, other than that, that's it. It's really tough to find positive moments. Because, when you do immediately you're bombarded with horrible flashbacks.

You just want to feel safe.

Monday, December 15, 2014

There's No Medication for This

At my last psychiatrist appointment, she mentioned that there is no medication to help with dissociation. Symptoms ate still there and totally exhausting. But you have to fight back.

We just want to feel safe.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Lots of Pain

Fighting all day to not dissociate and fall apart due to lucid dreams. We're not a sick monster. But the thoughts about raping little kids sstill happen.

I'm not a  pedophile
I'm not insane
I'm not sick
I'm not a freak

At time you just want to turn everything off and curl up to try and feel safe.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Setting Boundaries

There's emptiness, anger and nightmares. One of my doctors says that acupuncture and chiropractic treatments don't really help PTSD symptoms. Despite that, we're still sticking to keeping our diet as clean as possible.

On bad days, we just sit and home and try to protect ourselves. No noise. Just sit and we want to feel safe. In our own home.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Symptoms and More

More appointments this week as we try to keep some sense of balance. There's no medication to help with dissociating, but you do your best. By the end of the day, we can barely move. Then again, what else can you do?

Lately we try to stay in after 6 and just rest. We try to go to bed by 8, but usually then we keep waking up all night. No matter what, don't dissociate.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Protecting Yourself

More appointments and setting boundaries where necessary. Sadness and despair still happen. What do you do when everything feels black? Lately just turn everything off, and have a quiet day. Nobody else will do it for you. I can't take on the pain of the rest of the world and mine all at the same time.

As much as possible, don't dissociate. Do something else.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Trying to Cope

Went to a new psychiatrist appointment today. Covered a lot, and the good news is that she understands how holistic approaches to healing can work. I go back in 2 months and then maybe I'll have to go back to a new medication. We'll see.

In the meantime, all the symptoms are still there. On bad days, I don't know where I am. In crowded places, everything is slowed down and magnified. Sights, sounds, colors, a face that triggers one of the psycho rapists. You know you're not a threat to yourself or anyone else. Yet you feel scared because you might attack somebody.

It's the right thing to do to protect both yourself and others.

Do you still feel abandoned? We do. Not to the point of saying f**k it and killing yourself. But you just feel paralyzed. You sit quietly and rock back and forth to reassure yourself, my multiples and little kid.
You just want to feel safe in your own home. We wake up in the middle of the night and check all over the apartment to make sure no one else is here. It's the middle of the night, and you feel like everything is totally empty and black,

What do you do?

We don't want to feel assaulted in our own home. We just want to feel safe.