Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Big News

NOTE: This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally I use triggers (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, please stop now. Otherwise, keep reading and thanks for the support.

Sorry for the gap in posts. BIG NEWS! Thursday night, 9/24 at 10 p.m. EST. has a show called Rape Survivor's Forum. Yours truly will be the first guy survivor interview ever. Please spread the word and hope you can tune in. If not, you can get the podcast. Also there will be other outlets to get it as well coming soon.

Thanks for the support and see you on the radio!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Getting Slammed Hard

NOTE: This blog contains one person's battle against PTSD from rape. Occasionally I use "triggers" to get key points across (sights, sounds, and other disturbing things). If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

Happy Really Depressed Stock Market Monday. The Dow was down at one point over 500 ponts. The big question: will the Fed let AIG go bankrupt? Or will they give in after the other major banks and sources of capital say screw this, you do it. The "expert commentators" can go on all day about it. But the bottom line is that if it goes bankrupt, it'll be horrible shockwaves throught the economy. In an election year. And what's even worse? The two major campaigns will avoid it at all costs until they're forced to stop (for a short time) stupid ass idiotic attack ads and talk about real issues and answers.

How are you holding up in your healing? lately I've been getting hit hard. Horrible dissociating, flashbacks and more. My therapist and others keep saying eventually it evens out. But I'm thinking, you're not the ones who have this all the time.

Triggers are EVERYWHERE. No TV, no radio (unless it's a big story or world emergency). My laptop is down due to a hardrive error. So a step at a time.

But how do you keep from just snapping? In the morning I open my eyes and it takes time to focus and stop screaming because the dissociating is so bad. Everything has to be edited. if not, it takes literally hours to focus and then be able to go on. What do you do when it feels like the rest of the world is happy and you're stuck at home screaming trying not to snap? My multiples, little kid and I all know that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped or treated like s**t everywhere we go for help. So what do we do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a huge problem. But it feels like the whole world says you don't exist. A woman rape survivor we can deal with. But guys? No way. We just don't talk about this kind of thing.

Nobody listens and nobody can be bothered. So what do you do?

NOTE: Thanks for the ongoing support. FYI: I do keep track of the hits that I get here. BUT, nothing beyond that. So be assured that if you post something here, nobody's keeping a secret data base on you that's in some NSA supercomputer.

Monday, September 8, 2008

It's All in the Balance

NOTE: This blog is a male rape survivor's battle with PTSD. Occasionally I use some "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Hi there. Sorry for the long gap between posts. How are you coping these days? Some good news in a sense: the number of readers here continues to grow. But no worries about privacy. Just feel free to post a comment sometime if you want to.

These days, I'm not sure what it is. But I'm getting hammered REALLY HARD every day with dissociating and crippling fear. For half the day my multiples, little kid and I all held each other tight and were battered by dissociating. We were screaming and fighting not to vanish. Now it feels like more of the same.

What's the other trauma? Did somebody else rape me too? Is it something else? But the terror is there.

Also there is the feeling of gettig beaten down. The world will not tolerate any talk about male rape survivors. If you're a woman, that's horrible but "normal." This other s**t is just too weird.

So you fix it. You go away and take care of this because you were the one who was stupid enought to get raped more than once. But don't expect any sympathy from anybody. And, you're not allowed to have any emotion about this either. Because we just don't tolerate crap like this.

Where then are you supposed to go? You scream, you cry, you fight back or fall on the floor out of desperation. But no matter what, nobody will help you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a support line). The truth is those are few and far between. No disrespect to those volunteers who try to help. But the truth is many of them sound like they're reading from a script. The mental health cuts continue because the war comes first.

So where do trauma survivors fit in? Guy survivors count just as much as vets and everybody else. But naturally there's no way in hell the corporate MSM would ever stoop that low and actually talk about this in an election year. Instead, let's have "news specials" which are really free campaign ads for McCain. As for the rest of you, f**k off. Nobody cares about you.

Where do you go then? I'm not going to use again or hurt myself. Because I refuse to give these assholes the satisfaction. But sometimes it feels like there's nowhere to go or cry. And what do you do then?