Monday, September 8, 2008

It's All in the Balance

NOTE: This blog is a male rape survivor's battle with PTSD. Occasionally I use some "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Hi there. Sorry for the long gap between posts. How are you coping these days? Some good news in a sense: the number of readers here continues to grow. But no worries about privacy. Just feel free to post a comment sometime if you want to.

These days, I'm not sure what it is. But I'm getting hammered REALLY HARD every day with dissociating and crippling fear. For half the day my multiples, little kid and I all held each other tight and were battered by dissociating. We were screaming and fighting not to vanish. Now it feels like more of the same.

What's the other trauma? Did somebody else rape me too? Is it something else? But the terror is there.

Also there is the feeling of gettig beaten down. The world will not tolerate any talk about male rape survivors. If you're a woman, that's horrible but "normal." This other s**t is just too weird.

So you fix it. You go away and take care of this because you were the one who was stupid enought to get raped more than once. But don't expect any sympathy from anybody. And, you're not allowed to have any emotion about this either. Because we just don't tolerate crap like this.

Where then are you supposed to go? You scream, you cry, you fight back or fall on the floor out of desperation. But no matter what, nobody will help you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a support line). The truth is those are few and far between. No disrespect to those volunteers who try to help. But the truth is many of them sound like they're reading from a script. The mental health cuts continue because the war comes first.

So where do trauma survivors fit in? Guy survivors count just as much as vets and everybody else. But naturally there's no way in hell the corporate MSM would ever stoop that low and actually talk about this in an election year. Instead, let's have "news specials" which are really free campaign ads for McCain. As for the rest of you, f**k off. Nobody cares about you.

Where do you go then? I'm not going to use again or hurt myself. Because I refuse to give these assholes the satisfaction. But sometimes it feels like there's nowhere to go or cry. And what do you do then?

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