Thursday, March 31, 2016

Protect Yourself

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere you look on TV. Online, it's more of the same. Our suggestion? Screen everything and do what's necessary to protect yourself.

Trying really hard to not relapse and dissociate. It's like going back to alcoholism. Do you really want that pain? No. That still means many times just staying home and trying to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Don't Dissociate and Rest

Tried to get some rest today after almost no sleep last night. Also, don't dissociate. Do something else. I really don't want to relapse and not know where I am.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Peace and Quiet

Always nice, but not always easy to find. Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Sometimes you think you can have moments of clarity. Then despair and abandonment hit you all at once. What do you do then?

No noise right now. Everything on TV is way too triggering. The neighbors are quiet. No CD cuts, nothing. Just quiet. But then, flashbacks and dissociating can happen. Is it because my multiples think dissociating protects you from scary quiet? I'm not sure. But I do try to reassure them that it's my job to protect us. And nobody will attack us.

Let's see what happens.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Have a nice Easter? The past few days have been a real battle to not dissociate. If I don't have to go anywhere, sometimes I stay home all day and try to stay grounded. This can mean walking around and actually feeling space around me to make sure that nobody is there.

Nobody's in the corner.
Nobody's hiding in the bathroom.
Nobody's hiding in the closet.
Nobody's hiding under the bed.
Nobody's hiding under the covers waiting to attack and kill me.
You could dissociate and disappear. But we don't want to feel scared like that.

You have to walk around and actually check to make sure. Flashbacks to horrible dissociating still happen. What's real and what isn't. You didn't ask for these problems. You didn't ask for non stop pain every single day. I don't know what it's like to have one day with no symptoms. No trauma pain? What's that?

Do you have abuse flashbacks? I know you can't control other horrible people and what they say and do. But you can set boundaries as best you can. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You scream and fight back because you don't want to fall apart.
Nobody else will help you. Does that mean that you can't trust anybody?

You walk around and try to use the space that you're in to protect yourself. What do things feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they smooth or rough?

Nobody's there.
Nobody else in the room.
Nobody's going to break in and kill us.
We don't want to hurt anybody else.
We have no death wish.
We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Do you still have psychotic images? Do you see monsters or some other horrible thing trying to attack and kill you? Even with cleaning up our diet, we still struggle at times with these.

We're not a threat to anybody. Sometimes we have fleeting thoughts about killing everyone who raped us and treated us like shit. But we know that won't solve anything. Instead, realize that as scary as that is, it's normal that those thoughts are there.

We just want to feel safe.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Symptoms and More

Another appointment and lots of fighting symptoms. But the psychiatrist was helpful as symptoms are a constant battle.

Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Fight All Day

Fight symptoms all day long. Lots of screaming as we fight to not dissociate. Then, exhaustion.

Monday, March 21, 2016


Fighting symptoms all day. By the end of the night, I can barely move. What else can you do?

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Battling Symptoms

Lots of struggle right now with symptoms and exhaustion. You scream and fight to not dissociate and fall apart. You get hit with body pain and severe body memory. You're freezing and struggling to stay warm. Even though it's a warm day.

You don't have a choice. You have to fight back. But you also keep in mind that it has to come out. If not in one way in lots of other bad ways.

You're not abnormal in any way.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Symptoms and More

Another doctor appointment today. Now I can hear again! Tonight, stay home and do some stuff online as I watch a good NBA game.

How's your battle with symptoms? It's not our fault. But you gave to fight back.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Protect Yourself

Lots of fighting to not dissociate and to protect yourself. We don't carry a knife in our bag when we go out. But we do carry mace.

You scream and have to fight back. At the end of the day, you can barely move. But what else can you do?

Sunday, March 13, 2016


Trying to get thru the day and struggling with symptoms. Especially exhaustion. I finally had my cortisol test. Hopefully soon I can have my doctor explain the results.

In the meantime, fighting hard to not dissociate and black out.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Struggling With Exhaustion

Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares and body pain still happen. Then, it's a struggle to focus and get thru the day.

I'm not avoiding you. I'm just struggling to try and cope.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Trying to Keep Some Sense of Balance

Some errands today, and then trying to focus on keeping some sense of being grounded. A part of it is your p/h balance. If you can keep that okay, then the symptoms sometimes are a bit easier to handle.

More tests this week to find out more about diabetes.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Away for a While

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been exhausting in trying to keep some sense of being grounded. Not always, but at times you struggle to focus on what's real (instead of what's not). No, there's nobody there. I'm sitting on my bed. I feel the texture of the quilt beneath me. There's nobody over in the corner. I could dissociate and have someone over there. But I  don't want that. I want real people. Not images on a screen. I don't want to go back to unchecked violent dissociating.

Every day you have to fight to not fall back in patterns of abuse. Every day you got hammered with abuse. There was no escape. Nobody helped. You have to fight back. Does anybody care? You never get a break.  Either you fight back to maintain some sense of normalcy and sanity. Or you fall apart.

Does it feel like the world's gone insane? It's not my responsibility to single handedly save the world. If I could, that's great. But I can't. Instead, you feel like you're about six steps ahead of everybody else. It feels like the quality of many things keeps going downhill. So you do your best to see that and fight to keep some sense of sanity.

You don't want to fall apart. You have to fight back. Every day. Because you don't have a choice.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Trying for More Stability

A scary day yesterday. Had a big slip in dissociating and for a while, I didn't know where I was. What time was it? None of that mattered. Just escape from the pain that never goes away. But then, we finally fought back and found our point to fight back from. You have to reassure yourself over and over that you're not psychotic. You're not insane. You're not a danger to anybody. You're fighting to keep some control over your life as best you can.

Today, a little more stability. You still have crushing despair and abandonment when you have brief moments of clarity. But you try to remind yourself that we did nothing wrong. Trauma  has to come out. If not in one way, it comes out in others. Also, it's NOT being a professional patient (whatever that means). It's doing important work.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Try to Protect Yourself

Lots of triggering stuff out there. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can. We still struggle with dissociating and other symptoms. When moments of clarity happen, despair and abandonment also happen as well.

It's like you have to look really hard to find something positive. 99.999% of it is horrible pain. You used to have lots of destructive stuff to hide behind. Now you don't. Which means that it has to come out in some way.

Sometimes we feel paralyzed. We just sit and rock back and forth to try to and feel safe. We did nothing wrong. But nobody helped us. Can we trust anybody? We don't want to fall into a trap of being burned out and angry.

We just want to feel safe.