Have a nice Easter? The past few days have been a real battle to not dissociate. If I don't have to go anywhere, sometimes I stay home all day and try to stay grounded. This can mean walking around and actually feeling space around me to make sure that nobody is there.
Nobody's in the corner.
Nobody's hiding in the bathroom.
Nobody's hiding in the closet.
Nobody's hiding under the bed.
Nobody's hiding under the covers waiting to attack and kill me.
You could dissociate and disappear. But we don't want to feel scared like that.
You have to walk around and actually check to make sure. Flashbacks to horrible dissociating still happen. What's real and what isn't. You didn't ask for these problems. You didn't ask for non stop pain every single day. I don't know what it's like to have one day with no symptoms. No trauma pain? What's that?
Do you have abuse flashbacks? I know you can't control other horrible people and what they say and do. But you can set boundaries as best you can. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.
You scream and fight back because you don't want to fall apart.
Nobody else will help you. Does that mean that you can't trust anybody?
You walk around and try to use the space that you're in to protect yourself. What do things feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they smooth or rough?
Nobody else in the room.
Nobody's going to break in and kill us.
We don't want to hurt anybody else.
We have no death wish.
We just want to feel safe in our own home.
Do you still have psychotic images? Do you see monsters or some other horrible thing trying to attack and kill you? Even with cleaning up our diet, we still struggle at times with these.
We're not a threat to anybody. Sometimes we have fleeting thoughts about killing everyone who raped us and treated us like shit. But we know that won't solve anything. Instead, realize that as scary as that is, it's normal that those thoughts are there.
We just want to feel safe.