Saturday, November 18, 2017

Had Another Slip

A horrible night last night because of another dissociating slip. We don't have a death wish. We don't get off on pain. So why do we keep having slips?

I'm an alcoholic.
I have an addictive personality. But I'm a person, not a category.

Using only makes the pain worse. This was one of many causes of my heart disease. But also, it shows that the pain never goes away. You're not a freak, weird, strange or a danger to anybody. But PTSD is incurable. You try and cope as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Protect Yourself

Another nightmare last night. Then, facing the full pain of your trauma history. You have to face it and denial will only make it worse.

Pay attention to the tiny things in how you feel. Protect yourself.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Trying to Focus

At times, some moments of clarity. Then, bombarded with pain, flashbacks and more pain. Protect yourself.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Constant exhaustion as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. You constantly have to screen everything to protect yourself. On the other hand, what else can you do?

Monday, November 13, 2017

Fighting Symptoms

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's the same battle. Almost no sleep. Not knowing if we're dissociating or dreaming. Sleep paralysis. Imagine you feel awake, but your body can't move. You have to try and shock yourself awake. You constantly fight pain that's always there.

You have to screen everything to protect yourself. Anywhere you go means having an escape plan. How do I get out of here safely without attacking somebody? We still have dissociative blackouts. Which tells us that pain is always there.

It's like all of the pain from your trauma history is flooding out all at once. Denial will only make it worse. Dissociating will make pain worse, not better.

You have to fight back.
Screen everything.
Always have an escape plan.
Protect yourself, no matter what.
It's not your fault.
You can't save the world all by yourself.
You have to fight back.

You have to fight back.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Pain and Exhaustion

Every day, symptoms, pain and constant exhaustion. We don't want to relapse in any way. We're trying to get an earlier appointment with the cardiologist. Do we need some type of surgery? Not sure. But we can't just roll over and die. No matter what, you have to keep going.

Protect yourself.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Th Pain Is Always There

Very little sleep and lots of body pain. Part of it's like abdominal pain that never goes away. What's the cause? Did I accidentally eat undercooked food? Not sure.

We just don't want to end up taking lots of extra medication to literally do anything. Protect yourself.