Monday, September 19, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

Nightmares are back. You fight to survive and then open your eyes. You try to focus and have some idea of where you are. Is this real or not? Are you dissociating or not? Sometimes psychosis symptoms happen. It's like your whole system is being assaulted.

You walk around in the dark and try to feel safe. Sometimes you go back to bed and try to get some sleep. Almost always you go back to the nightmares. Then, you turn on the TV with the sound down. That way you try to focus on something tangible. You're always run down.

Word on the radio interview is that a MP3 copy is on the way. Once I know how to find it online, I'll post it here. In the meantime, everything has to be screened. You feel like you're constantly being bombarded with flashbacks, images and pain. You have to fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Easy to say, but not always to do.

Am I responsible for saving the world from all of the evil people? No. But you still struggle with that. Instead, you try to protect your well being. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Don't just blow everything off. Instead, if it's a threat, no.

Relapsing and violently dissociating only makes things worse. Try to not intentionally put yourself in a situation where you would.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Protect Yourself

Another day of struggling for rest and fighting symptoms. I go back in a week for my next cardiologist appointment. Closer is my father's back in the hospital again (due to his back surgery). The good news is his rehab is going ok so far. So he'll be ok.

Does it feel like violently triggering stuff is everywhere? You're not responsible for it. You can't singlehandedly save the world. You constantly feel run down. Small things take a huge amount of energy. but you know that protecting yourself comes first.

You just want to feel safe. You want to have control over your life. How's your struggle?

Thursday, September 15, 2016

On the Radio

I did a new radio interview to be aired at 8 p.m. my time. Then, one of the producers emailed and said no, it's on at 6. Not 8. Managed to listen to the tail end of my interview. Then, I could only handle bits and pieces of the rest of the hour. Way too triggering. As soon as I have the link to it, I'll post it.

What else? The adrenal burnout never goes away. One aspect of that is that you always crave sugar and salt to rebalance your system. Or at least you think it will. However, being a heart patient I have to keep those as low as possible.

Dissociating is still a struggle. Especially when you try to wake up in the morning and focus. You have to really concentrate and then later in the day you start to have some balance. But it's still there. Sometimes you scream and fight to not fall apart. Just a sign of how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be.

Nightmares and body pain are still there. Circulation pain is at times all over. My cardiologist says that's a common symptom. But it's still frustrating to deal with.

I don't want to feel scared and vanish from dissociating. You have to fight to keep a sense of balance. You just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

A Struggle

When was the last time I got a decent night's sleep? I can't remember. Every night you try and end up waking up every hour. Then, you're always dragging thru the rest of the day. Plus, you're fighting all the other symptoms as well.

Constant exhaustion.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Dissociative Slip Up. Fight to Not Black Out.

Another struggle to not black out from dissociating. Had a slip up and had to fight REALLY HARD to get back to reality. You don't want to be stuck in an endless trap with no way to escape. You have to fight back.

You also struggle with how severe symptoms have been and continue to be. You're not weird, a danger to anybody else, or going to fall apart. But you do have to constantly fight to keep some sense of being grounded. It's still a struggle to know what's real and what isn't.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Trying to Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. You feel wiped out, but what else can you do?

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Exhaustion and Speaking Out

All trauma survivors deserve to be heard. It's still exhausting to deal with symptoms. But earlier today I pre-taped an interview on a rape survivor radio show (to be aired later this month). Up to this point, I had done 6 (5 radio and 1 website). So how hard could this be? Meditated for a while beforehand to be able to try and stay grounded. Managed to get through it without any breaks. The show has a good reputation and helps a lot of people. So if I can be a part of that (and protect my well being), I'll do it.

More on this later.