Sunday, October 23, 2016

Protect Yourself

Trying to rest and pay attention to small things in how you feel. Part of it is also facing the total reality of how horrible your trauma history has been and continues to be. After being repeatedly raped between the ages of 8 to 10, I've had horribly severe PTSD symptoms. I've also had severe psychosis symptoms and an addiction to soft core porn.

Now, the porn addiction is gone. I still have psychosis symptoms at times. But it's still a battle. It's important to try and face your history as best you can, without endangering yourself.

You have horrible moments where you cry, feel depressed and get bombarded with pain. On the other hand,  avoiding it only makes it worse.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Trying Not to Dissociate

Almost no sleep last night. Today, it's been trying to focus and to not black out. You have flashbacks to abandonment, pain and how scary your trauma history has been and continues to be. But no matter what, don't dissociate. Don't fall apart and have no idea where you are.

Some days you have no noise. You just want peace and quiet. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You have to face your history as best you can, as long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.  You want to feel safe.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Trying to Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. Can I get any sleep? Almost never. Are my PTSD symptoms draining my chi? I think so. I'll talk to my doctor on Thursday to find out more.

In the meantime, you have to screen everything to protect yourself. You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

I don't want to dissociate and vanish. Do something else. Don't give into letting your guard down. Protect your well being.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Lower Chi Today

My heart function rate goes slightly up. But my chi level is going down. It's a struggle to eat 3 small meals and drink something. What are the reasons? Not sure yet. Hopefully later this week we'll know more.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Trying to Balanace

Went to a cardiologist appointment about two weeks ago. My heart function rate is up to 45%. Still below normal (55-65%) though. Now, my function rate is up, but my appetite is going down. I used to be able to drink about 6 glasses a day. Now I can barely drink 3.

What's causing this? Also, my energy level is down. I can exercise, but it takes more out of you than before. Is my adrenal burnout affecting this as well? I'm not sure.

But I do know that in my case, dissociating is an addiction that I always struggle with. You think it's a way to escape pain. But it's not. It just makes it worse.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Face It Head On

Another day of symptoms and pain. Face your history head on as best you can. I really don't want to relapse and disappear. You have to protect yourself.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a situation where you might want to then dissociate and not know where you are. Protect yourself.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Severity of Symptoms

Fighting after another dissociative relapse to not set myself up again to fall apart. It's like any addiction. Violent dissociating only makes pain worse. But for so long it was an escape/addiction to try and escape from pain. But it didn't work.

Drug addicts fight to not relapse. In my case, dissociating is like binge drinking. Protect yourself. Do something else. Sometimes this means no sleep for 2 or 3 days at a stretch. It's the severity of your trauma history beating you really hard.

You don't want to fall apart. You don't want to disappear and not know where you are.

Regardless of what the causes are behind your history, protect yourself as best you can.

I don't want to go back to even worse pain.