Tuesday, February 21, 2017


You try to not go to sleep being wired from watching too much TV. No late night snacks, caffeine or sugar rushes or dissociating. Despite that the nightmares still happen. There's never a set pattern to them. But at times you suddenly open your eyes and wonder. Am I dissociating? What's real and what isn't?

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I can't remember. Usually you try to fall asleep and then wake up every hour. Then by 3 or 4 a.m., you might get one hour of sleep. Many times no. Which means you might go for two or three days before you just collapse from exhaustion. This puts more stress on you for salt and sugar to help stimulate your system. When in fact it does just the opposite.

Is there a cure for PTSD? No there isn't. It's like having any other incurable health problem in the sense of you do your best. But the pain is always there. Triggering things are always there. Let your guard down for a second at the wrong time and some people kill themselves. Why? There's a difference between logically saying suicide is bad and wanting to instantly end pain. I would never do that. But at times though you feel like you're one step short of that.

What's the answer? One thing is to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Denial used to be a massive problem. I still have bad days with it. But now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor, and that I did nothing wrong. But the pain is always there.

Some days I just want quiet. No noise. No being bombarded with pain. No having to feel like it's my responsibility to get rid of Trump and save the world. Actually it's not. I have my avenues online to speak out. Occasionally, something else opens up in media. In the past I would almost always say yes to potential interviews. Now almost always I say no. UNLESS everything about it is positive and it could help somebody. While I'm not a nationally or internationally known name, I have worked in various parts of media (both on air and behind the scenes). So I understand how people can be manipulated for the sake of ratings. I mean, we ARE running a business here.

Why do people say and do horrible things? I'm not sure. But I do know that nobody forces them to do that. Which means they deal with the consequences of their behavior. There's a long history of horrible abuse in my "immediate" family. Someday when the parents die, if I feel confused and a sense of relief along with sadness am I bad person? I asked my psychiatrist once about this. Her response was no. There's no law that says when someone dies you must say and do certain things. Society may dictate certain behaviors. But you don't have to follow those.

How do you deal with your pain and flashbacks? Sometimes when I have moments of clarity I also feel paralyzed. I don't know what to do. Usually I just sit quietly and say I want to feel safe. I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Face Your Trauma History

A holiday here in the States. But, cold and raining as well. Which means lots to catch up on inside. The pain is always there. Try really hard to not dissociate. Don't set yourself up to slip and then literally vanish.

You can't control what horrible people do and say. You can't save the world singlehandedly. But you can set boundaries and try to protect your well being.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Crippling despair still happens. Just face it as best you can and keep going.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Nobody Helped Us

Another day of fighting symptoms. We have circulation pain from heart failure. Arthritis. Cirrhosis of the liver.     Complex dissociative disorder. Some days you feel like you have some sense of balance. On others you're one step short of killing yourself.

That's one key to remember. One tiny trigger not dealt with can lead to suicide. It won't in my case. But in that moment of despair there's a difference between acting logically and acting to end pain.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Lots of Pain

Today we said time to rest. Slept in and managed to do an easy workout. Pain is still there from lots of sources. Later I'll have to make new doctor appointments. It's like exhaustion is always there, no matter what you do.

Protect your well being.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Appointments and More

Two doctors appointments and a heart test. The good news? My heart function rate (ejection/fraction rate) is holding steady at 45%. Still below normal and my endurance is still down. But also, my back and leg pain is getting better. I can start to move now and have a little less pain. Is it arthritis? Is it trauma body pain memory? I'm not sure.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel. In the past, you'd blow it off. Now, no.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Chronic Pain

The lower back pain is getting worse. Tomorrow I have 2 doctor appointments. So I'll ask LOTS of questions about this and other problems.

I can walk. But I have to do it slowly.
The slightest shift in weight is painful.
Easy slow stretching is painful.
Now I have pain all thru my hips and all thru my spine.

Is part of it trauma body pain flooding out? I thin it is. But is it something else as well?
I'm not sure. But whatever it is, I don't want to end up with severe pain killer addictions

Hope you're well.