Monday, March 27, 2017

Symptoms and Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Protect yourself and set boundaries. It's not your fault.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. Don't dissociate. At times you feel empty and don't know what to do. But in general terms you're following the right things.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out. Also, to face the fact that after being repeatedly raped by three psycho rapists, I had an addiction to soft core porn for a long time to help survive the pain. But it just made it worse.

Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore. The pain is always there. But I'm doing the right things. Protect yourself.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Post Op

Sorry to be off yesterday. Had a dentist appointment to pull an infected tooth. Lots of medication and then just go home and rest. Today, the swelling has gone down a lot. But, finish off all the prescribed pain meds in the meantime.

Fight to protect yourself. Set boundaries. Do you really need to look at.listen to/watch what you know is triggering? No you don't. Instead, do something else.

It's not your fault. But despair and abandonment are always there.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Protect yourself as best you can. Today is one of those high dangerous triggering stuff days. If you watch TV, turn the sound down and just look at it. No commercials today. Be careful with the I-can-singlehandedly-save-the-world-by-myself mode of thinking. Exhaustion is always there. But you have to fight back. You can't juts sit and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you black out and think that you'll escape pain, because you won't. It'll just make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault. But the pain never goes away.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Set Boundaries

Right now, we want peace and quiet. Too much triggering stuff on TV. Commercials on the radio? No. Too much triggering stimulus. Instead, protect yourself. Don't let your guard down and dissociate. It's kind of like thinking for  a second about having a drink again. Do you really want to go thru that pain again? No.

Protect yourself as best you can from others who say and do horrible things. Why do they do this? We don't know. But nobody forces them to say and do this. Which means that they deal with the consequences of their actions.

Pain is always there. You try the usual methods to ground yourself, and it's still there. You have to keep fighting back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of formerly favorite foods are violently triggering now. Sometimes going into a store is dangerous. You have to focus and try to protect yourself and others. How do I go in here and get out safely? How do I not black out and attack someone? Blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Trying to Keep Some Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and constant exhaustion. Leaving my house isn't the issue. It used to be. At times it took me almost fifteen minutes to actually walk out the door, close it, lock it and then walk away without dissociating and fighting adrenalin surges. But the symptoms are still there.

Being in confined spaces is still a problem. I get in my car and suddenly the psycho rapist is there. He tries to put he in a headlock and then cut my throat with his knife. I fight bak, break his grip and then kill him before he kills me. Now imagine fighting this all day long. Every day. In addition to everything else that's hitting you.

Pain is still there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, body memory pain. I've never had a day completely free of pain. Completely free of symptoms. I don't know what that's like.

I don't want to dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and then have no idea what happened. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Does feeling abandoned ever go away? I don't know.
I've only had two people since we got raped who actually gave us a reassuring hug and meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. What kind of effects does that have on somebody long term?

We're not mentally ill. We're not sick or a threat to anybody. We have health problems that we're trying to deal with as best we can.