Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Good News and Bad News

NOTE: This blog talks about one person fighting PTSD from sex abuse. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for the support.

Sorry for the posting gap. But it's long hours of fighting symptoms, job hunting and more.

Good news first. I did an interview with a very famous FM station about being a rape survivor, PTSD and more. If they don't change their mind, it's supposed to air in September. More on this as it happens.

Now the bad news. I still have nightmares, dissociating and all the rest of it. Some counselors have told me that having the lucid dreams is horrible but a normal sign of your body/mind trying to deal with being raped. Also, for the past three days I've heard various people online talking about rape, and other forms of abuse. But NOT ONCE did anybody say, and yes, guys getting raped is really horrible too.

How come I don't count? I'm tempted sometimes to call these people and say something. But then I think, other than this recent interview, what's the point? My multiples, my little kid and I all feel like the world is beating us down and saying NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. Nobody wants anything to do with you. And we will NEVER EVER talk about this s**t. Because this is just too f*****g weird.

What are you supposed to do then?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

What Do I Do Now?

NOTE: This blog is about a trauma survivor's battle against PTSD from being raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Some good news for a change. I'm finding more new job openings and more potential contacts. It's a LOT of work (where's my personal assistant?). Plus I'm still going to therapy and dealing with symptoms.

Taking Kava and HTP-5 are helping some with dissociating. But my multiples and little kid keep talking about there's something else. What is it? Did somebody else rape me? They say no. Ok, so then what is it? I'm being as easy as I can so nobody loses trust.

There's also the fear of disappearing. Does this fear ever go away?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Let's Catch Up

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about PTSD from sex abuse. At times, "triggers" are used to get point across. Some examples:

sights and sounds
key words or phrases
music samples and more

If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.

Sorry it's been a while. Doing ok right now? I'm struggling still with dissociating and flashbacks as well. Sometimes when I go out, I'm driivng and flashbacks hit. And for a second I don't know where I am. Which means it's really hard to focus (especially if you can't pull over).

My multiples and little kid talk every night about their terror and fear. Is there more trauma that we haven't dealt with? I think there is. But they're not ready to talk about it. Which means that at times it's debilitating. One minute you think everything is ok. And then you sit in the corner and feel terrified. Every sight and sound is amplified. Is it safe to go outside or not? Will anybody jump us or not? If we go into a store or a some other crowded place, will we be ok or not? Many times I have to be really careful so triggers won't happen and mess things up. Is it ok to go in or not? If you go in, will somebody jump me or not? That person's looking at me. But what do they really want?

Will anybody listen to us or not? Outside of the therapist, it feels like nobody can be bothered. You freak us out, just go away. Or, if you want to share on this support site you do what we say. Which means, where do we go? If everybody can't be bothered, what do we do? Do you just shut up and carry on because that's just the way the world is? Or do you do something else?

I try to do all the right holistic things to keep the stress down. But still, sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. You fight symptoms all day long AND do all the other stuff that you have to do. And then what do you do? Some people say, the world is full of suffering, you do your best, etc. But still, it would be nice to have just one day with NO symptoms.

Or, it would be nice to have someone actually put their arms around me and say, I'm sorry you were raped. If nobody ever does that, what do you do? How come nobody would ever do that? Because if they do they'll get raped too? Because you're their worst nightmare. And who the hell wants to face their worst nightmare?

If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please post.