Saturday, August 2, 2008

Let's Catch Up

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about PTSD from sex abuse. At times, "triggers" are used to get point across. Some examples:

sights and sounds
key words or phrases
music samples and more

If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.

Sorry it's been a while. Doing ok right now? I'm struggling still with dissociating and flashbacks as well. Sometimes when I go out, I'm driivng and flashbacks hit. And for a second I don't know where I am. Which means it's really hard to focus (especially if you can't pull over).

My multiples and little kid talk every night about their terror and fear. Is there more trauma that we haven't dealt with? I think there is. But they're not ready to talk about it. Which means that at times it's debilitating. One minute you think everything is ok. And then you sit in the corner and feel terrified. Every sight and sound is amplified. Is it safe to go outside or not? Will anybody jump us or not? If we go into a store or a some other crowded place, will we be ok or not? Many times I have to be really careful so triggers won't happen and mess things up. Is it ok to go in or not? If you go in, will somebody jump me or not? That person's looking at me. But what do they really want?

Will anybody listen to us or not? Outside of the therapist, it feels like nobody can be bothered. You freak us out, just go away. Or, if you want to share on this support site you do what we say. Which means, where do we go? If everybody can't be bothered, what do we do? Do you just shut up and carry on because that's just the way the world is? Or do you do something else?

I try to do all the right holistic things to keep the stress down. But still, sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. You fight symptoms all day long AND do all the other stuff that you have to do. And then what do you do? Some people say, the world is full of suffering, you do your best, etc. But still, it would be nice to have just one day with NO symptoms.

Or, it would be nice to have someone actually put their arms around me and say, I'm sorry you were raped. If nobody ever does that, what do you do? How come nobody would ever do that? Because if they do they'll get raped too? Because you're their worst nightmare. And who the hell wants to face their worst nightmare?

If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please post.

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