Monday, February 29, 2016

Trying to Have Some Sense of Energy

A real struggle today to have some energy flow. We managed a good workout. Also, sometimes doing that helps to deal with PTSD symptoms to a degree. We just don't want to have a relapse and black out from violent dissociating.

It's scary to try and face our trauma history when it includes psychosis symptoms. It's almost like you have to fight really hard to find some happy moment. A horrible daily struggle to not fall apart.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Trying to work out as much as possible every day. UNLESS I have chest pain or no energy. That way, maybe it might be easier to deal with adrenalin surges and other symptoms. We'll see.

With moments of clarity come feelings of abandonment and flashbacks. And paralyzing fear. What then?

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Feeling Run Down

Another appointment today, and we talked about drug interaction with other stuff in your system. Now, being high risk for Type II diabetes, this means as little sugar as possible. Today I've had some to try and have some energy. But it's all interconnected.

I'm just trying to protect us.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

High Risk

Two more appointments today. The GP says that I'm high risk for developing Type II diabetes. Because of liver damage, it's functioning at a diminished level. Which means tiny amounts of sugar could mess up your glocose level.

Now, more changes to the diet. I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow for more.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Appointments and More

5 appointments this week. We're trying to get some sleep, but not much luck. I wake up every few hours, and then what do you do? Try to focus and have some sense of energy.

How is your trying to protect yourself? Does it feel like you're being bombarded all the time with pain? That's the flip side of moments of clarity. Then, you have nothing to hide behind.

Sometimes I just sit and try to not dissociate. You're being bombarded with a million different images, and you don't want to black out. Sometimes that's my whole day. Fight to not black out.

What else can you do.

Saturday, February 20, 2016


Another day of fighting symptoms. Adrenalin surges are getting worse. It take about 20 minutes to put my socks and shoes on. You have to focus really hard to have some sense of feeling in your feet. Then, no matter what, don't dissociate.

Lots of breaks. Then, back to it.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Trying to Focus

Catching up on things to do at home. Also, trying hard to not dissociate. Sometimes when you have moments of clarity, the thought hits for a second. What if I wasn't here? You don't have a death wish. The thought just comes to mind. Then, you have to fight hard to not get trapped in that cycle of flashbacks and dissociating.

We just try to protect ourselves. We also try to remember that our well being comes first. Not the other way around.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Some Moments of Clarity

Sometimes you feel like you get a brief break,  and can have some clarity. But then, abandonment and other terrifying things happen. Anger still happens, and you feel like you're going to snap in two. But you have to keep going.

At the end of the day, you just want to lie down and not be bombarded with anything. No noise, no pain. Just to feel safe.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Trying to Focus

Another appointment today which meant getting up REALLY EARLY to make it in time. After that, some shopping and then back home to do some workout. Now, we're trying to stay away from sugar as much as possible. But it's tough.

Flashbacks still happen. Body pain, anal pain, dissociating; they're all still there. When moments of clarity happen, you feel sad and abandoned. You can't save the world from all of the evil horrible people. But you try to protect yourself first.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. You don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Stay well.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Facing Your Trauma History

One thing I've tried to do is to face my trauma history as best I can (without endangering myself, my multiples or little kid). You have moments of clarity which also mean abandonment and body pain. You try to deal with how horrible your history has been. But you don't know what to do.

We don't want to hurt ourselves or anybody else. But what do you do when almost no one ever tried to reassure you that it wasn't your fault. You know that it wasn't. But almost no one will touch you or try to reassure you in any non threatening way.

What kind of effects does that have on someone?

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Pay Attention

As you fight symptoms every day, you also try to not black out from dissociating. Sometimes, you don't know what to do. But you try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Your energy level is really low. But pay attention to tiny things in how you feel. How things affect you. Not that it's just second nature. But how it affects your system.

Stay well.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Appointments and Trying to Focus

Because of trying to come back from a cold, low chi flow is affecting my blood clotting med. This means take lots of breaks and try to protect yourself from being bombarded with triggering stuff.

How's your intuition right now? I'm not always right. BUt the idea is the healthier you are, the sharper it is. Lately it feels like more and more stuff is going downhill. More people are blatantly lying (especially in the Presidential "race"). Is it my job to save the world from the evil nasty people out there? No. But I will speak out . ONLY if it doesn't damage my well being.

We just want to feel safe.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Finally a little more energy today. I still have symptoms to deal with. But as much as possible I don't give into destructive dissociating. It only makes pain worse, not better. As for screening everything, that always has to happen to protect yourself. You see patterns and say why am I doing this? This is only making things worse. Do something else.

You still have to scream to try and get anger out without blacking out. You come home totally wiped out. But there's a sense of relief as well. As for other violently triggering stuff? It's not my job to monitor all of this crap 24/7. It's not.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Now Hopefully a Little More Energy

Sorry to be off for a while. But the past week or so has been really rough. I've had almost no energy at all. Is it because of the flu? My heart disease? My PTSD symptoms? A combination of everything hitting me at once? I'm not sure. I had one big thing to do yesterday. After that, come home and go to bed since then. Now, I can actually sit up and go back to doing things. I still have to take lots of breaks. I'll ask my doctor at the next appointment and find out hopefully more.

One thing that helps to be screen everything for triggering content. You can't catch everything. But as reasonably as possible, try to protect yourself. I still struggle with being bombarded with flashbacks and fighting to focus and not black out. Sometimes, grounding techniques work, and sometimes they don't. But you do your best.

Stay safe.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

More horrible nightmares. You fight your way through it, and still that's not enough. You have to fight back, or you'll die. It doesn't matter that it's a nightmare. You have to fight back. Then, you open your eyes and what then?  Now, you try to rest and feel some sense of being grounded.

How do you deal with your trauma pain? On bad days I have to turn everything off. I want to feel safe from being attacked. Every day it's non stop fighting dissociating. You try to face your trauma history as best you can. But the pain is still there.

What do you do then?

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Fight to Not Fall Apart

More struggle to deal with symptoms and not black out. There are moments of clarity. But there are also moments of despair and abandonment. You don't want any noise. You just want quiet and to not feel threatened.

You also have to fight dissociating all day long. As you do, sometimes it helps also to deal with adrenalin surges. They're all still there. What else can you do.

Nightmares still happen. There's no set pattern to them. But at times it's because of mixing too many spicy foods. That in turn affects the trauma energy that's trapped in your system. All the way down to a cellular level.

One of the biggest struggles is facing how severe your trauma history has been, and continues to be. It's like non stop pain. You want at times to just sit and not be bombarded with stimulus and pain. You just want to feel safe.

I want to feel safe in my own home.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Protect Yourself/Emptiness

Screen everything. You can't stop all sick triggering stuff. But as reasonably as you can, screen to protect yourself. In the past, at times it took a week to stop from violently dissociating. Now, at times we have some clarity. But then crippling abandonment and emptiness.

You just try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Try to Focus and Sadness

No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. Even when I go into crowded places, I still have problems with flashbacks and fighting to not black out. Sometimes I sit and think to myself, I just want to sit here and feel safe. Not threatened and bombarded with pain. Sometimes it doesn't work. What do you do then?

You can't save the world from all of the evil and horrible people. But you can protect yourself.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Clarity and Emptiness

You have some moments of clarity. But then crippling emptiness and feeling abandoned. Despite that, we did nothing wrong. If others are cruel and want nothing to do with us, that's their problem.