Sunday, July 20, 2008

What's Next?

NOTE: This blog talks about the struggles of one rape survivor's battle with PTSD. Occasionally "triggers" are used to make a point (sights, sounds, and more).

If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

I know. Long time, no posts. Busy with finding the new job, going back to therapy. And nasty dissociating.

I still fall down, cry and d0n't know what to do. You fight to keep a balance and do the right thing. And what happens? It feels like the whole world is beating down on you. And nobody cares. So shut up and deal with it. But under NO circumstances will you ever do this around anyone else.

What are you supposed to do?

Monday, July 14, 2008

I Wanna Scream

NOTE: This blog deals with one person's fight to survive PTSD from sex abuse. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, etc.) to add to key points. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

It's been a rough day. Fighting dissociating all day long. No matter what I do I can't break out of it. It's like your fight-or-flight mechanism just won't work. So what do you do? Your body/mind keeps throwing out more dissociating which you don't want. So what do you do? FINALLY I get through it and feel some balance again.

Does this happen to you? What do you do to keep your balance? When nothing works and you feel like you're going to snap, what keeps you from falling apart? I don't wanna hide in the bathroom anymore. I don't wanna punch out walls because it hurts too much. So what do you do?

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Feeling Really Battered

NOTE: This blog contains occasional use of "triggers" to help explain battling PTSD from sex abuse. These can be many things:

key phrases
a loud noise
and more

If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

Have a nice holiday weekend? Almost Monday and back to the grind. This weekend has been rough with a lot of symptoms. Dissociating has been really nasty. Adrenalin surges still happen, and you really have to focus to not lose sensation in different parts of your body.

Not only that, but there's lots of sadness too. It feels like nobody listens or cares. Literally everybody (aside from my therapist) can't be bothered. So what do you do? If I sink down to their level that's totally screwed. Instead I try to compartmentalize as best I can to keep going forward. But like everybody I have bad days and feel paralyzed.

What else do I do? I still edit triggers all the time. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. So for someone else, getting out of bad thoughts takes five seconds. for me, sometimes it takes an hour or more. Imagine then dealing with this every single day.

Sometimes I just fall down and cry. And literally don't know what else to do. If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please let me know.