Monday, June 23, 2014

Lots of Bases

Finally found out more about why I was denied SSI and Medicaid. It's a problem with their definition of "income". To fix it, yes, you have to document everything. Then, wait a month for a decision. If you spend money on ANYTHING, save the receipts, because somebody will want it.

Other than that, symptoms are still there. One of my cardiologist's nurses left a voice mail saying that my heart test results have improved. But, I have to wait three more weeks for specifics.

Enough for tonight.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Yes and No

As we keep trying to cope with and heal from heart disease and PTSD, a big part of it is pacing and rest. Now, today we found out news about our disability income and Medicaid. I do "officially" have a "disability". Yet, because of "income" (monthly help from the parents to be able to eat, pay my medical bills and survive), I'm being denied. Also, because of being on food stamps, that's "income assistance" that's being counted against me.

In short, I'm being penalized for trying to be responsible and to not be a burden on anyone else?

The impression I'm getting is that you literally have to have nothing to even remotely have a chance at getting disability. You can't get anything of monetary value from anyone else. Otherwise it counts against you. Literally food, clothes and so on.

I want to keep control over my life. I don't want to live like everything literally has to be approved by someone else. Why the hell do you need THIS? Why not the cheapest version? That's no way for anyone to live. Do these benefits people know that?

I want tto keep control over my life.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Stay Home and Rest

No energy today. Just lots of rest and occasionally try to get something done. Tomorrow I'm staying home and not going to the parents' house for the Dad's Day party (which at 8:14 p.m. still isn't definite). Covered my bases and left a "thanks but I'm staying home" voicemail. I just want to focus on my health.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Finally Some More Information

Spent much of the past two days at Social Security, trying to get copies of the tests they had requested. I finally got them backed up on a CD. Went home and printed everything out, and it's a mix. The psychological one wasn't that much of a surprise. Keep going to therapy, and consider going back on SSRI (psychiatric medication).

The cardiac one in some ways confirmed what we already knew. I have diminished heart function and an irregular heart beat. This is for several reasons:

An irregular heartbeat can be hereditary, in some cases.

The constant struggle to fight to survive being a rape survivor can affect your heart function in many ways. Essentially, your system can only take so much.

Did I make myself sick on purpose? No. But, we're now dealing with some of the long term consequences of not getting help for ultra severe long term PTSD symptoms.

Part of it is to try and keep some sense of balance, and not go back to pefectionism. Also, we'll talk to the therapist next week about meds. The psychiatrist is suggesting that I go back on them. However, in doing some research on meds and side effects, I found an article that says that over the past twenty years it's been proven that SSRI (psychiatric) meds actually hurt you more thna help you. Not once in the conversation did she ever mention that. While I don't expect perfection, this really bugs me. Right now, I feel taking a more holistic approach is better than going back to meds.

The last thing I need is to go back to horrible side effects.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Side Effects or No Side Effects?

Went to see the psychiatrist two days ago. She suggested that I go back on an anti-depressant. I tried to explain that I'd had three severe addictions in the past that NOBODY helped me with. I had some of the worst side effects I've ever had (hallucinations, even worse dissociating than before, and others). Maybe I didn't explain it clearly, but at times she sounded like a drug commercial. Yes, in the past addiction to various medications was a serious problem. Now, with many of the latest SSRI medications, the chances of addiction are almost zero.

But, there's still a chance of being addicted.

When I was on anti depressants, they actually made my symptoms worse. It was actually harder to deal with backed up anger and other symptoms because the block was worse that was getting in the way. Therefore, why would anyone want to go through that again?

Are you taking any meds these days? How do they help you (if at all)? At times, the backed up stress would come flooding out and literally paralyze me. One day, you feel okay. The next, you can't get out of bed. Then, when you can, literally every bone and muscle in your body is in severe pain. Today's one of those days. Lots of severe lower back and hip pain. If I shift my weight in either direction, it hurts to move. Basic stretching is extremely painful. Does this mean go back to a chiropractor for acupuncture?

Social Security called yesterday, and says that I got approved for disability income and medicaid. In the next three weeks I get cards and explanations of all of my benefits to add to what I already have. They also say I can go back to work. But, it's limited by not going over a certain income.

One of my concerns right now is to have control over my life. These are my benefits and this is my budget. I decided what to pay and cover it. Nobody else can be a bully and use money as a weapon to control me.

Violent dissociating was one way to survive trauma. Even when you know that it didn't help to escape pain, like an addict you go back to using it again. Is that the definition of "insanity'? I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to fall back into those rituals. Instead, do something else and see what happens.

Pacing myself as I try to cope with body pain and slowly going thru some old papers. What do we back up on the external hard drive and what do we just throw out?

Don't dissociate. Go the other way, and see what happens.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Really Run Down

Went to see the new psychiatrist earlier today. I tried to explain about my symptoms and that I'm not saying I'll NEVER take meds. It's just that with 3 severe addictions in the past, I have to be careful. Those actually made my symptoms worse. She kept saying today, lots of drugs aren't addictive, so it's okay. How can a drug not be addictive or have side effects?

I try instead to take a holistic approach as much as I can. Stay off of stimulants and exercise to try and burn off some trapped trauma energy. It doesn't always work, but at times it helps. At times I feel like I have no energy at all. I can barely get out of bed. I can barely walk to my front door and then out to my car. Then again, all of this is normal, considering our trauma history.

You're not "weird" or "abnormal" in any way.

I don't want to go back to destructive dissociating. It's still terrifying to try and face how severe my symptoms have been. You never got the help that you needed. Now, you're dealing with the consequences.

Slipping into dissociating is like binge drinking. You think it will give you some relief from pain. Instead, it makes it worse. A really acidic diet makes symptoms worse. Stimulants are like doing coke.

We have to protect our well being.