Saturday, June 7, 2014

Side Effects or No Side Effects?

Went to see the psychiatrist two days ago. She suggested that I go back on an anti-depressant. I tried to explain that I'd had three severe addictions in the past that NOBODY helped me with. I had some of the worst side effects I've ever had (hallucinations, even worse dissociating than before, and others). Maybe I didn't explain it clearly, but at times she sounded like a drug commercial. Yes, in the past addiction to various medications was a serious problem. Now, with many of the latest SSRI medications, the chances of addiction are almost zero.

But, there's still a chance of being addicted.

When I was on anti depressants, they actually made my symptoms worse. It was actually harder to deal with backed up anger and other symptoms because the block was worse that was getting in the way. Therefore, why would anyone want to go through that again?

Are you taking any meds these days? How do they help you (if at all)? At times, the backed up stress would come flooding out and literally paralyze me. One day, you feel okay. The next, you can't get out of bed. Then, when you can, literally every bone and muscle in your body is in severe pain. Today's one of those days. Lots of severe lower back and hip pain. If I shift my weight in either direction, it hurts to move. Basic stretching is extremely painful. Does this mean go back to a chiropractor for acupuncture?

Social Security called yesterday, and says that I got approved for disability income and medicaid. In the next three weeks I get cards and explanations of all of my benefits to add to what I already have. They also say I can go back to work. But, it's limited by not going over a certain income.

One of my concerns right now is to have control over my life. These are my benefits and this is my budget. I decided what to pay and cover it. Nobody else can be a bully and use money as a weapon to control me.

Violent dissociating was one way to survive trauma. Even when you know that it didn't help to escape pain, like an addict you go back to using it again. Is that the definition of "insanity'? I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to fall back into those rituals. Instead, do something else and see what happens.

Pacing myself as I try to cope with body pain and slowly going thru some old papers. What do we back up on the external hard drive and what do we just throw out?

Don't dissociate. Go the other way, and see what happens.

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