Sunday, March 30, 2014

Fight to Keep a Sense of Balance

Not much sleep in the past couple of days.Instead, nightmares and constantly wondering if everything is safe or not.You check all around the apartment, and then you still can't go back to sleep. What do you do?

i go back at times to some of the worst moments with my symptoms. Was I borderline psychotic, due to not getting the help that I needed? I'm not sure. It's not torturing yourself. It's just trying to face scary parts of your trauma history. ,

Friday, March 28, 2014


Outside, rain. Inside, I just want some sense of quiet. I'm still fighting dissociating and blacking out. Flashbacks and body pain.Not much sleep at night. Usually, it's nightmares and being afraid of what's in (or not in) the apartment.

Fighting symptoms and chest pain is really draining. What now?

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Trying to Cope With Emptiness

Whle the families of the MH 370 passengers and crew continue to struggle with emptiness and grief, I'm still dealing with my own. I fight to wake up and not automatically black out from dissociating. For a long time, violent non-syop dissociating was a 24/7 survival mechanism. Which means of course that it doesn't instantly change. Just thru laregly not giving up, at times I have moments of clarity. At others, non-stop pain.

You try to focus and maintain some sense of balance. But along with that you have flashbacks and try to not fall apart. If you don't keep some sense of balance, you literally feel like you're going to fall apart.

How do you cope with that and heart disease? Sometimes I don't know how far I can go. If I push harder in this run, will I damage my system? I haven't been able to have a cardiac followup appointment for almost 3 months. What else can I do?

Is there such a thing as closure? I'm not sure. Instead, you try and move forward as best you can.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Constant Battle to Focus

Another day of trying not to dissociate and worsening adrenalin surges. You try to concentrate and focus  your energy so it feels like a smooth flow, and you're not losing sensations in different parts of your body. But it still happens.

My next therapist appointment is next week. I try to keep some sense of calm. Despite that, you wake up in the middle of the nightI'm really trying to . Nightmares happen. Dissociating and hyperawareness. I'm really trying to pay attention to my intuition, especially with heart disease. How far can you go before you're putting your system in danger? I try to focus and to slow my pulse rate down. Even with that, at times that doesn't work.

Every source that I trust says the same thing. All of this is normal, considering what you've been through. You struggle with that, and the cruelness of others in the process. Why do they do and say that crap? I don't know.

I just to have  a sense of balance. One day with no symptoms.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

What Exactly is Closure?

As the sad news about MH 370 continues,there's lots of talk about the families of the victims trying to find closure. You need to find thi to be able to continue on with your life.

Sounds easy to say. However, in reality, does anybody ever find closure? Finding that's like a journalist being 100% objective. I'm not sure it ever happens.

In my case, I'm trying to keep a sense of being grounded. That's tough to do when you're constantly being bombarded with body pain, adrenalin surges and flashbacks. What good would taking more medication do? To me, it would just make it worse. The underlying pain is still there. Now, you'd have a harder time dealing with anger and more.

Why are so many people cruel when you didn't ask to be raped and have all of this pain to deal with? Since I got raped, I've never had one day free of pain. Will I ever have that?

Monday, March 24, 2014

Screen Everything

A sorry for your loss to all of the families and friends of the MH370 victims. Maybe they'll find some sense of closure (whatever that means).

We still fight symptoms all the time. Dissociating is one of the toughest ones. As we apply for new benefits, you have to outline your trauma history. Which means more flashbacks and nightmares. On the other hand, we did nothing wrong.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Pay Attention to the Small Things

We've been sleeping in for the past few days to try and catch up on our rest. One minute, you feel fairly balanced. Then, you can barely move. You feel over weight and sore all over. In the past two weeks, we have put on a little weight. is it a side effect from the medication? So far, no.

Despite that, anger, flashbacks and body pain are there as well. I see it as all connected. Which means when applying for Social Security Income (SSI) and Medicare, everything has to be documented. The really frustrating part is getting caught in legalese arguments over what is a "disability" anyway? I didn't as for any of this. We  haven't been able to get victim compensation due to the compensation commission being set up after these crimes took place. Therefore, they don't exist.

How do you deal with that sense of abandonment?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

A Connection with Grief

First, continued hope for the families and loved ones of everyone on MA370. If the MSM really wants to help, try by not exploiting their grief. Constantly running  video loops of people crying and being carried away is helpful? I don't think so.

Closer to home, I'm really feeling run down. I tried to go out for a short run (half a mile). I could barely make 200 yards before almost feeling like I could barely move. I usually don't have chest pain or pain elsewhere. Yet now it feels at times like I can barely move.

At times I have flashbacks to being in the hospital. Almost dying twice, and fighting to hang on. feeling like I have no control over my body. Lots of people come into the room, and you think for a second. Am I going to die? Will I end up in a come and on a respirator?

What do you do?

Right now, I feel really run down. You also fight hard to keep some sense of balance. You can't look at much content on TV because it all the same. You turn the sound down because maybe that will make a difference. No it doesn't.

You don't want to fall apart. Yet nightmares and body pain still happen. Earlier today we were screaming and fighting to not get raped. It doesn't matter that it was a horrible lucid dream. You have to fight back to survive.

I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about six months ago. She said in her opinion, I had the same symptoms as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got help.

You get bombarded with sadness and feeling abandoned as flashbacks to fighting to survive happen. You know it's not your fault. But they still happen.

You're upstairs in a room, and the windows are open. A cool breeze is blowing, and it feels like a scary winter. You feel alone and deserted. Many around you say that they care. But nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way.

How many times have survivors heard the same lines? I can understand a woman getting raped. But you were stupid enough to be raped by 3 pedophiles? What's wrong with you? You fix it, don't waste my time with this shit. Just go away.

How are you supposed to react to that?

You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet the thoughts are there.

What do you do?

You have to protect your well being at all costs. Does every day feel terrifying? No. yet symptoms are still there.

You don't want to die. Despite that, the pain of the psycho rapist sticking his dick in your anus and cuming makes you feel how? Like worthless garbage? Nobody can be bothered to listen or care?

Nobody came rushing in to save you.
Nobody called the cops.
No cops used a rape testing kit.
The state government says that legally, these crimes don't exist.

Now what do you do?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


No noise right now. Just peace and quiet. Also, we really don't want to have another dissociative relapse. But the pain of fighting to not fall apart keeps happening. At times you have to scream and turn away.

It's like nobody has time to listen. Nobody can be bothered to pay attention. But you can't give in and off yourself. Can't give those that treated you like shit the satisfaction.

Will you ever get any sense of validation from someone that you're constantly second guessing? I don't know.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

A Lot to Talk About

A quiet  night at home. NBA highlights are on, but the sound's turned down. At times you have to do that to protect yourself from triggering content. The doors are locked, and no chance of any commandoes from anywhere breaking in.

Having said that, thanks for the constantly growing support. I don't know all of you. But I do know that somebody's reading this (other than the NSA and GCHQ).

Went to the psychiatrist on Thursday, and it was quite a mix. A nice person, but bad timing with that being her last day before she takes a new job. Despite that, she gave me some helpful suggestions on how to cope until the next psychiatrist can help. One key is someone being able to deal with complex dissociative disorder.

We talked a lot about struggling with symptoms, and how to use and trust your intuition. I'm not always right. But my percentage is pretty high.

Many survivors talk about feeling like they have their pain, and the pain of the rest of the world to deal with. They feel like it's their obligation to protect all trauma survivors (regardless of the underlying cause). While it's not my place to tell others what to do, I can't do that, for many reasons.

Up to this point, I've spoken out a least six times on various radio talk shows about being a guy survivor. My feeling before doing each one was if it helps others, that's all that matters. However, for whatever reasons not all but many have the idea that because I'm a survivor, I can understand and solve all of their problems for them.

I wish I could. But I can't.

What's kept me alive? One thing is to never give up. Lots of people have talked about this in many contexts. But the idea is the same. Another reason is not giving everyone who treated you like dirt the satisfaction by offing yourself. No chance of that.

That being said, what else can you do?

We're trying really hard to not dissociate. It feels like making a million decisions every single day. Do we dissociate and vanish? Or, go the other way and see what happens?

So far so good.


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

How Things Affect You

One minute, there's anger. Then abandonment. Then exhaustion. But you have to keep going.

My first psychiatrist appointment is on Thursday. Maybe one question I'll have for her is, does pain ever go away? I try to look at it like it has to come out. Either in a good way, or in bad ways.

Out of all of the emotions that happen, maybe one of the hardest ones is, how come nobody else actually cared? How come nobody did anything about this? An innocent little kid gets raped repeatedly by three psycho pedophiles. And NOBODY does ANYTHING about it.

Why not?

Monday, March 10, 2014

It's Obscene Not to Care

We all know that the world's full of endless horrible stuff. Triggering content is everywhere. Yet, while it would be nice, you can't individually solve every  problem. How do you stay aware and protect your well being at the same time?

Throwing yourself into helping others is a common way for trauma survivors to cope. Then again, does it really help, or hurt? I've found that you have to take the "my well being comes first" approach. You can't take on the world's pain, and deal with your own at the same time. It doesn't mean that you're not aware. It's a matter of being selective.

My first psychiatrist appointment is in a few days. While I don't have a death wish, at times you do think about what if I wasn't here? What would happen then? Do abandonment and anger ever go away? I don't know. Despite that, I just try to ay we did nothing wrong. Others are responsible for what they do and say. If you choose to be horrible, then you deal with the consequences.

Like the saying goes, it's obscene to not care and try to do something about a problem. But, your well being comes first.

Friday, March 7, 2014

One Minute There's Focus. Then You're Scared

We're trying to keep some sense of focus. It wasn't our fault. We did nothing wrong. We're telling the truth about being a survivor. Despite all that, we still scream and fight to not dissociate. To not fall apart. Nightmares still happen. You feel like you're getting bombarded with a billion different thoughts all at once.

What do you do?

Monday, March 3, 2014

Why Is Everything So Violent?

We still have all the PTSD symtpoms. Right now though, everything is violent. Why is this happening? Why does it keep happening?

Does this ever go away?

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Fighting to Be Heard

Do I watch the Oscars or not? Ever since last year when Tarantino got Best Screenplay for "D'Jango Unchained", I thought, what's the point? Despite that, yes I did fill out my bracket sheet. Kind of a warmup to March Madness. For our intl. readers, March Madness is the main university basketball tournament here in the States. Like anything else, it comes complete with tons of adverts, lots of drinking and eating junk food. Which leads to the question of the day. Is pizza really junk food?

As new doctor appointments come up, I'm struggling with trying not to dwell on relapses. The urge to dissociate keeps happening, and then comes the thought of, do I really want to be stuck in that trap again? It's the same as an addict trying to stay clean. Does it ever go away?

NIghtmares still happen. The feeling of abandonment is there. You sit and feel empty, terrified  and confused. You know you don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, the emptiness is still there.

What's really scary at times? Giving into the "I don't give a fuck anymore about anything" feeling. In the past, that did happen at times. Followed  by blackouts, nightmares, and endless pain.

Now, I've been sober over 20 years. I still have addictions that I fight all the time. I also look at it like, keep your sense of balance. Call it whatever you want. Part of it is the law of karma. The good things that you do go out and never stop. 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Trying to Stay Clean

Lots of doctor appointments and more coming up. I'm really trying to stick to as organic a diet as possible. In the meantime, more questions. Is cirrhosis of the liver curable? Just how damaged is my system? It's really frustrating when you try to get follow up appointments, and they take forever.

I still have bad days with paralyzing fear and feeling abandoned. Does this ever go away?