Sunday, March 2, 2014

Fighting to Be Heard

Do I watch the Oscars or not? Ever since last year when Tarantino got Best Screenplay for "D'Jango Unchained", I thought, what's the point? Despite that, yes I did fill out my bracket sheet. Kind of a warmup to March Madness. For our intl. readers, March Madness is the main university basketball tournament here in the States. Like anything else, it comes complete with tons of adverts, lots of drinking and eating junk food. Which leads to the question of the day. Is pizza really junk food?

As new doctor appointments come up, I'm struggling with trying not to dwell on relapses. The urge to dissociate keeps happening, and then comes the thought of, do I really want to be stuck in that trap again? It's the same as an addict trying to stay clean. Does it ever go away?

NIghtmares still happen. The feeling of abandonment is there. You sit and feel empty, terrified  and confused. You know you don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, the emptiness is still there.

What's really scary at times? Giving into the "I don't give a fuck anymore about anything" feeling. In the past, that did happen at times. Followed  by blackouts, nightmares, and endless pain.

Now, I've been sober over 20 years. I still have addictions that I fight all the time. I also look at it like, keep your sense of balance. Call it whatever you want. Part of it is the law of karma. The good things that you do go out and never stop. 

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