Thursday, March 27, 2014

Trying to Cope With Emptiness

Whle the families of the MH 370 passengers and crew continue to struggle with emptiness and grief, I'm still dealing with my own. I fight to wake up and not automatically black out from dissociating. For a long time, violent non-syop dissociating was a 24/7 survival mechanism. Which means of course that it doesn't instantly change. Just thru laregly not giving up, at times I have moments of clarity. At others, non-stop pain.

You try to focus and maintain some sense of balance. But along with that you have flashbacks and try to not fall apart. If you don't keep some sense of balance, you literally feel like you're going to fall apart.

How do you cope with that and heart disease? Sometimes I don't know how far I can go. If I push harder in this run, will I damage my system? I haven't been able to have a cardiac followup appointment for almost 3 months. What else can I do?

Is there such a thing as closure? I'm not sure. Instead, you try and move forward as best you can.


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