Thursday, March 20, 2014

A Connection with Grief

First, continued hope for the families and loved ones of everyone on MA370. If the MSM really wants to help, try by not exploiting their grief. Constantly running  video loops of people crying and being carried away is helpful? I don't think so.

Closer to home, I'm really feeling run down. I tried to go out for a short run (half a mile). I could barely make 200 yards before almost feeling like I could barely move. I usually don't have chest pain or pain elsewhere. Yet now it feels at times like I can barely move.

At times I have flashbacks to being in the hospital. Almost dying twice, and fighting to hang on. feeling like I have no control over my body. Lots of people come into the room, and you think for a second. Am I going to die? Will I end up in a come and on a respirator?

What do you do?

Right now, I feel really run down. You also fight hard to keep some sense of balance. You can't look at much content on TV because it all the same. You turn the sound down because maybe that will make a difference. No it doesn't.

You don't want to fall apart. Yet nightmares and body pain still happen. Earlier today we were screaming and fighting to not get raped. It doesn't matter that it was a horrible lucid dream. You have to fight back to survive.

I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about six months ago. She said in her opinion, I had the same symptoms as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got help.

You get bombarded with sadness and feeling abandoned as flashbacks to fighting to survive happen. You know it's not your fault. But they still happen.

You're upstairs in a room, and the windows are open. A cool breeze is blowing, and it feels like a scary winter. You feel alone and deserted. Many around you say that they care. But nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way.

How many times have survivors heard the same lines? I can understand a woman getting raped. But you were stupid enough to be raped by 3 pedophiles? What's wrong with you? You fix it, don't waste my time with this shit. Just go away.

How are you supposed to react to that?

You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet the thoughts are there.

What do you do?

You have to protect your well being at all costs. Does every day feel terrifying? No. yet symptoms are still there.

You don't want to die. Despite that, the pain of the psycho rapist sticking his dick in your anus and cuming makes you feel how? Like worthless garbage? Nobody can be bothered to listen or care?

Nobody came rushing in to save you.
Nobody called the cops.
No cops used a rape testing kit.
The state government says that legally, these crimes don't exist.

Now what do you do?

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