Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Finally Some Relief?

This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These can be anything from sights and sounds to key phrases that might be harmful to trauma survivors. If you can handle these, keep going. If not, stop now. And maybe try again later when you're feeling better. Thanks for checking this out. And please pass this onto anybody you think it might help.

Sorry to be offline for a while. This past week has been non-stop symptoms. I feel like I'm getting hammered into the ground every single day. The rest of the world seems to be happy. And I'm hiding in the corner screaming and trying not to snap.

Triggers are everywhere. I rarely watch U.S. these days because it's like, what's the point? Also, it's hard to keep my anger in check. One reason is because of how guy rape survivors are treated.

It seems like there's a three-tier system. At the top are vets and former vets with PTSD from combat, being exposed to uranium, being raped, etc. Then, you have women trauma survivors (many times rape). And then at the very bottom are guys who were raped.

When was the last time you saw a guy rape survivor talk in public that wasn't abused by a Catholic priest? It's like there's some unwritten rule. If it's ratings sweeps week, THEN we get the guy who was abused by the priest. We NEVER EVER talk to a guy rape survivor that was raped by somebody else (father, uncle, whatever). Why the double standard? It freaks people out. If a women gets raped then that's "normal" (for lack of a better word). If a guy gets raped, it's too weird. Guys never get raped. So instantly there's something wrong with you. Or, you being a guy remind the woman of the asshole that raped her. Even though she says, please share your story and you do she cuts you off. Which makes you think, then why did you say share your story? I've been cut off and censored many times. And it's like being raped all over again.

I ask my therapist about this. He says, it's f****d up. But that's the system right now. This means the vets and the women rape survivors get the attention. They appear on the talk shows, write the books, work the lecture circuit and all the rest of it. Meanwhile, the number of guy rape survivors continues to grow. But nobody wants anything to do with you.

How are we supposed to get better? If we literally have nowhere to go or talk, what are WE supposed to do?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Trying to Fight Thru Dissociating

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers". Some examples:
Key words or phrases
a noise
and others

The purpose here is to use them where necessary to get the points across. If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and please pass this onto anybody it might help.

Today's another long day battling dissociating. I'm staying away from all triggers that would lead to this as much as possible. But still it happens. Lately it's old sights and sounds that come out of nowhere. My therapist says it happened for so long that now it's like automatic. I do lots of holistic things and it still happens. At times I scream and I think I'm going to pass out. The usual ways to ground yourself don't work. You stop and exercise for a while and that doesn't help. So what do you do then?

I still have meetings with my multiples and little kid. The terror of falling off the cliff is still there. Will it ever stop? I don't know. They keep asking, how come this happened? How come nobody cares? There are only so many ways you can say, I don't know.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Really Scary Dissociating


The blog contains extreme content including occasional "triggers." These are things such as:
key phrases
music samples
a loud noise
and more

These can be disturbing and/or possibly dangerous to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think it might help.

Dissociating is a real problem today. I try hard not to do that and to stay away from old patterns that can lead to it. But it still comes out. What is it that my multiples and little kid are trying to tell me? It has been so bad for so long that now many times it's automatic. So how do you sort it all out?

Sometimes it's so bad I scream and feel like I'm going to snap. I am NOT going to just morph and disappear. I refuse to give those sick a******s that treated me like s**t the satisfaction. The last thing I need is to sink down to their level.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Fighting Hard Against Dissociating

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) that could be harmful to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

I've cut off as many sources of dissociating that I can. And, I'm avoiding all old patterns that could lead to this. But morphing and adrenalin surges are still a problem. And sometimes nightmares come back too.

Other than all the holistic things that I'm doing, right now I don't know what else to do.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Cutting Off Triggers as Much as Possible

This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" (words, sights, sounds, colors, etc.) that can be disturbing to trauma survivors. If these bother you, go elsewhere. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

I went back thru a lot of old triggers to see if there were lots of patterns. And there are. Literally not having any touch and reassurance because of being raped, for a while (like lots of other people) I used sex substitutes: vid clips, occasional porn and a few hookers to make up for that lifelong lonliness. The bad part is that there are lots of rituals that come from that. Basically, there are ways to cope with the pain but also to deal with the "shame" of using these. With enormous pressure for so long, to others this can look like everything from Tourette's to epilepsy and more.

Finally I went back and deleted all this stuff. And now as much as possible I stay away from dissociating patterns. Because right now everything is extreme. At times I feel like I'm going to vanish. I have to focus to not disappear because at times dissociating is automatic. It's your body's way to fight back against what seems like a normal routine. This means some stability but also times when you literally feel like you're going to snap.

Don't misunderstand. This is NOT sex addiction. Instead it's the opposite. Literally a lifetime of no touch, reassurance and abuse. Now maybe I'll get some relief for a change?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Some Stability for a Change?

This blog contains explicit content, ideas and some "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, and other ideas) that may be disturbing to trauma survivors. I only include these where necessary to help convey my message. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, thanks for checking this out. And only the best in your continuing recovery.

Yesterday was rough in trying to deal with dissociating. It's like you know you need to get out of it. But you have to fight really hard to not sink further. Today, some stability for a change. The symptoms still happen. But now it feels like there's a little more strength in saying, NO, I don't want to dissociate. That's not real and I only want real people/things. For most people you can switch thoughts in a second with no problem. For me, it's been taking hours. Imagine trying to live with that, all the other PTSD symptoms AND day-to-day survival when it feels like nobody cares. I still feel paranoid when I go someplace. Nobody's armed as far as I can tell. But what happens if this guy jumps me? What do I do? I still think out what to do.

When literally no one your entire life has taken a few seconds to comfort you in some way and say I'm sorry you were raped, how do you cope with that? Sometimes I hear others say the usual just-get-on-with-it-mate attitude. You don't see me bitching to the entire world about my problems. So why the hell should I have to put up with you doing it? Everywhere you turn nobody listens, nobody cares and everybody laughs at you. People actually say to your face, nobody cares about what you think, feel or say. Just shut the f**k up. Some people say, share your story. You try and do that without triggers as much as possible. And lots of people cut you off. You're a guy, they're women, and it freaks them out that a GUY could be raped. It's "normal" for a woman to be raped. But when a guy gets raped more than once, it's like the whole world's falling apart. You're a guy, you're too "honest" in sharing your story with others. So what do I do now? Literally everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered to listen. But you'd better not bitch about this. Because nobody gives a s**t.

Today I did some spring cleaning and will do more. Part of this is taking some steps to protect myself and break some triggering habits. But I still cry myself to sleep at night and wonder if anybody will ever listen?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Holding My Own

NOTE: This blog contains extreme words, content and "triggers" (words, phrases, colors and more) that can be disturbing and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that might benefit from it.

Went to therapy today and talked about a LOT of fears right now. I still have my multiples/little kid meetings every night. And the terror is still there. You're on the edge of a cliff and nobody seems to care. And I asked my therapist, do you EVER get past that feeling of being an orphan that literally nobody wants to touch in any way. In my whole life, not once has anybody ever touched me or tried to reassure me that it's not your fault. How are you supposed to deal with that?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

How To Cope With The Fear

NOTE: This blog contains words, concepts and "triggers"(sights, sounds, samples and more) that could be upsetting and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If these bother you, go elsewhere. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone else that might benefit from this. Thanks!

At times, dissociating has actually gone down some. The bad part? The terror that then shows up. Feeling like you're on the edge of a cliff and nobody cares what happens to you. I still talk to other survivors where appropriate and try to not use triggers as much as possible. But still I get the reaction of, go away. I can't deal with a guy getting raped. A woman is one thing. But this is just too freaking weird. Or, just go away.

I feel like years of abuse and PTSD are raining down on me. I cry sometimes and don't know what to do. The rest of the world goes thru the programmed routine: did you find everything ok? Paper or plastic? But despite all that, NOT ONCE does anybody say, why so sad? Nobody ever says, I'm sorry you were raped. God, that's horrible. No reassurance in any way. I know it's not my fault. But also, do they think they'll get raped or die if they touch me in any way? Is it so horrible to take ten seconds and show some f*****g human decency?

Every night I have a meeting with my multiples and my little kid. The terror is there and we wonder all the time, will anybody hurt us? No. Will anybody kill us? No. How come nobody cares? I wish I knew. But it's really frustrating when you go to bed and cry yourself to sleep every night. And it feels like the whole world could care less.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Sometimes A Moment of Clarity

This blog contains explicit words, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, and more) that could be scary/dangerous to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that might benefit from it.

I still have all the same PTSD symptoms. But sometimes there's a terrifying moment of clarity.

Maybe you'd think the opposite. Clarity would mean relief for a change. But in this case, not exactly. It's like you see what's around you. But you feel this close to dying. Others around you seem happy, it's a nice day. So how come I feel this way? Why do feel like I'm going to just fall down and cry in the middle of a crowded place?

Sometimes I do. Or I want to go hide in the corner. But then what do I do? How do I fake a how are you? to someone else? Others seems happy and you feel cheated. Or, you try all the usual tricks to ground yourself, but nothing works. You still have to get out of the crowded store. How do you do this and not fall apart? How do you deal with feeling like the whole world can't be bothered to deal with you? I know I'm not the only one with PTSD symptoms. Still, it at times feels like everybody's saying, f**k off. Nobody has time to deal with your s**t.

My therapist says that in some ways I'll always have PTSD. And I refuse to accept that. I know other survivors that for whatever reason have given up. I'll always have to be on tons of meds, disability and live on the edge of society. And I refuse to be robbed of a life. You've had this crap for a long time. And NOW you'll always have it. But nobody gives a f**k about you. So just shut up and go away?

I think in some ways it's harder for guy survivors than it is for women. If a woman survivor talks to me and I share with her, not always but many times she cuts me off. Why? She feels threatened. Damn, if a guy gets raped more than once then the whole world's f****d up. Or, it's like little kids. My pain is bigger than yours. Whatever it is, it's really frustrating when various people say, you need to go to support groups, share, etc. You try and do that and get cut off everywhere you go. Or, after a session everybody gets up and leaves. Not once does anybody in the group take ten seconds to say, I'm sorry you were raped. No concern at all. I've never had that in my life. Not once.

Will I ever have that?