Sunday, March 9, 2008

Some Stability for a Change?

This blog contains explicit content, ideas and some "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, and other ideas) that may be disturbing to trauma survivors. I only include these where necessary to help convey my message. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, thanks for checking this out. And only the best in your continuing recovery.

Yesterday was rough in trying to deal with dissociating. It's like you know you need to get out of it. But you have to fight really hard to not sink further. Today, some stability for a change. The symptoms still happen. But now it feels like there's a little more strength in saying, NO, I don't want to dissociate. That's not real and I only want real people/things. For most people you can switch thoughts in a second with no problem. For me, it's been taking hours. Imagine trying to live with that, all the other PTSD symptoms AND day-to-day survival when it feels like nobody cares. I still feel paranoid when I go someplace. Nobody's armed as far as I can tell. But what happens if this guy jumps me? What do I do? I still think out what to do.

When literally no one your entire life has taken a few seconds to comfort you in some way and say I'm sorry you were raped, how do you cope with that? Sometimes I hear others say the usual just-get-on-with-it-mate attitude. You don't see me bitching to the entire world about my problems. So why the hell should I have to put up with you doing it? Everywhere you turn nobody listens, nobody cares and everybody laughs at you. People actually say to your face, nobody cares about what you think, feel or say. Just shut the f**k up. Some people say, share your story. You try and do that without triggers as much as possible. And lots of people cut you off. You're a guy, they're women, and it freaks them out that a GUY could be raped. It's "normal" for a woman to be raped. But when a guy gets raped more than once, it's like the whole world's falling apart. You're a guy, you're too "honest" in sharing your story with others. So what do I do now? Literally everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered to listen. But you'd better not bitch about this. Because nobody gives a s**t.

Today I did some spring cleaning and will do more. Part of this is taking some steps to protect myself and break some triggering habits. But I still cry myself to sleep at night and wonder if anybody will ever listen?

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