NOTE: This blog contains words, concepts and "triggers"(sights, sounds, samples and more) that could be upsetting and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If these bother you, go elsewhere. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone else that might benefit from this. Thanks!
At times, dissociating has actually gone down some. The bad part? The terror that then shows up. Feeling like you're on the edge of a cliff and nobody cares what happens to you. I still talk to other survivors where appropriate and try to not use triggers as much as possible. But still I get the reaction of, go away. I can't deal with a guy getting raped. A woman is one thing. But this is just too freaking weird. Or, just go away.
I feel like years of abuse and PTSD are raining down on me. I cry sometimes and don't know what to do. The rest of the world goes thru the programmed routine: did you find everything ok? Paper or plastic? But despite all that, NOT ONCE does anybody say, why so sad? Nobody ever says, I'm sorry you were raped. God, that's horrible. No reassurance in any way. I know it's not my fault. But also, do they think they'll get raped or die if they touch me in any way? Is it so horrible to take ten seconds and show some f*****g human decency?
Every night I have a meeting with my multiples and my little kid. The terror is there and we wonder all the time, will anybody hurt us? No. Will anybody kill us? No. How come nobody cares? I wish I knew. But it's really frustrating when you go to bed and cry yourself to sleep every night. And it feels like the whole world could care less.