This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" (words, sights, sounds, colors, etc.) that can be disturbing to trauma survivors. If these bother you, go elsewhere. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
I went back thru a lot of old triggers to see if there were lots of patterns. And there are. Literally not having any touch and reassurance because of being raped, for a while (like lots of other people) I used sex substitutes: vid clips, occasional porn and a few hookers to make up for that lifelong lonliness. The bad part is that there are lots of rituals that come from that. Basically, there are ways to cope with the pain but also to deal with the "shame" of using these. With enormous pressure for so long, to others this can look like everything from Tourette's to epilepsy and more.
Finally I went back and deleted all this stuff. And now as much as possible I stay away from dissociating patterns. Because right now everything is extreme. At times I feel like I'm going to vanish. I have to focus to not disappear because at times dissociating is automatic. It's your body's way to fight back against what seems like a normal routine. This means some stability but also times when you literally feel like you're going to snap.
Don't misunderstand. This is NOT sex addiction. Instead it's the opposite. Literally a lifetime of no touch, reassurance and abuse. Now maybe I'll get some relief for a change?