Sunday, March 2, 2008

Sometimes A Moment of Clarity

This blog contains explicit words, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, and more) that could be scary/dangerous to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that might benefit from it.

I still have all the same PTSD symptoms. But sometimes there's a terrifying moment of clarity.

Maybe you'd think the opposite. Clarity would mean relief for a change. But in this case, not exactly. It's like you see what's around you. But you feel this close to dying. Others around you seem happy, it's a nice day. So how come I feel this way? Why do feel like I'm going to just fall down and cry in the middle of a crowded place?

Sometimes I do. Or I want to go hide in the corner. But then what do I do? How do I fake a how are you? to someone else? Others seems happy and you feel cheated. Or, you try all the usual tricks to ground yourself, but nothing works. You still have to get out of the crowded store. How do you do this and not fall apart? How do you deal with feeling like the whole world can't be bothered to deal with you? I know I'm not the only one with PTSD symptoms. Still, it at times feels like everybody's saying, f**k off. Nobody has time to deal with your s**t.

My therapist says that in some ways I'll always have PTSD. And I refuse to accept that. I know other survivors that for whatever reason have given up. I'll always have to be on tons of meds, disability and live on the edge of society. And I refuse to be robbed of a life. You've had this crap for a long time. And NOW you'll always have it. But nobody gives a f**k about you. So just shut up and go away?

I think in some ways it's harder for guy survivors than it is for women. If a woman survivor talks to me and I share with her, not always but many times she cuts me off. Why? She feels threatened. Damn, if a guy gets raped more than once then the whole world's f****d up. Or, it's like little kids. My pain is bigger than yours. Whatever it is, it's really frustrating when various people say, you need to go to support groups, share, etc. You try and do that and get cut off everywhere you go. Or, after a session everybody gets up and leaves. Not once does anybody in the group take ten seconds to say, I'm sorry you were raped. No concern at all. I've never had that in my life. Not once.

Will I ever have that?

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