Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Fight to Not Snap

As we get some things done, we fight to scream and not black out. If we keep our p/h balance as smooth as we can, that's helps some. But the pain is still there.

We don't want to violently dissociate or heavily drink again. Because in the past that almost killed us.

How do you get thru the next sentence?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Lots of Pain Today

All day long, it's been fighting to not scream, snap and fall apart. You don't want to be scared to go out of the house. But you have to be careful. It's like all of the pain of being raped hits you all at once. What do you do then?

Monday, July 28, 2014

Constant Fighting

While fighting continues tot rage around the world, it also affects people who are trying to survive severe trauma from it. You can set aside politics and other factors. What you then have is normal human beings who didn't ask to be subjected to horrible things. While we're getting things done, it's also a non-stop battle to try and keep some sense of balance
You get no break. You have o idea of what it's like to have one day with no trauma  symptoms. You scream and fight to not fall apart. At night, more nightmares happen. Nobody will listen to you or help you. Even though it's a nightmare, you can't sit back and do nothing.

On the other hand, we have protection thru various benefits to help make sure that we're not homeless or go bankrupt due to being on disability. Got my Medicaid number early. The cards for this and other benefits should come in the next few weeks. Extra coverage will mean extra sources to go to to get the treatment that we need.

At times, we just sit and focus on trying to have some sense of being grounded. No noise or any other distractions. We scream and fight to not fall apart. Everything has to be screened. Many times, we have several sources live streaming, but we don't pay close attention. Just to have something in the background.

You can't sit back and do nothing.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Protecting Yourself

Everyone knows that there's no magic one-solution-fits-all-trauma cases. Everybody has a different history and heals at different rates. Keeping that in mind, how do you protect yourself from triggering content/people/places?

In the past, we used to say yes to almost every request from activist friends working on different causes. Then, we reached a point where saying yes was a threat to our well being. I can't handle my pain and the pain of everybody else in the world. Besides, if we're not careful, looking at too much depressing stuff on the news causes nightmares and other problems.

We try to be as selective as possible. These days, in those rare moments when we do watch TV, we turn the  sound down to protect ourselves from triggering stuff. Weird things can and do come out of nowhere. On bad days with anger and other symptoms, we feel at times like we're going to snap in two.

On the other hand, none of this is abnormal, considering everything that we've been through.

Another symptom? Because of the heart disease, we can't handle eating big meals or having lots of snacks all the time. Weight gain is a common problem for heart patients. Besides, it just adds to the overall stress on your system.

On bad days, do we think about getting a gun and killing everyone who treated us like shit? Yes. Would we actually go thru with it? No.

Everything has to be paced. At times, we have problems standing up without fainting. Doing simple things takes a huge amount of energy. Sometimes we just stop and go to bed because we're so run down.

Tomorrow, another appointment.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

It's All Connected

Went back to my GP for another ear exam. This time, both were cleaned out (due to wax blockages). Now, my hearings back to normal. But in the process, I've learned more about and have had stuff confirmed about holistic health.

Everything really is connected. What can cause wax buildup in your inner ears? Lots of fat, sugar and high stress. All of these can affect heart disease as well. I can't handle more than three tiny meals a day. If I have snacks or anything else, I feel really bloated and run down. Why? Because to compensate, my heart is drawing blood away from things like digestion. If you drink lots of liquid, that also adds to feeling full.

I feel at times like I have no chi at all. I have to focus really hard to get out of bed and do basic things. I have problems walking up flights of stairs. I'm not short of breath. It's just that my legs hurt.

Do you feel abandoned? We cry and at other times don't know what to do. We curl up and rock back and forth to feel safe.

Lots of coverage of the MH17 funeral for the victims. To show respect, try to find and put out the actual truth about this, instead of endless boring Putin bashing.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rest and Focus

Some easy things to do today. Aside from those, just rest. Almost no energy, and it's a struggle at times to not black out from body pain and flashbacks.

On the other hand, with added benefits we have added protection and more potential leads to the proper treatment. Also, we did nothing wrong. Despite how severe the pain is at times, all of this is a normal response to the severity of your symptoms.

We just want rest and to feel safe.

Monday, July 21, 2014

We Got Approved

Great news. I went to my benefits appeal hearing, and got approved for a monthly amount and extra medical coverage. Which means continue living as cheaply as possible to make it all work. But also, I can now have access to possibly more helpful treatment for both my heart disease and PTSD symptoms.

This afternoon, just sit and rest. Have some tea, and stay away from all triggering stuff.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Sit Back and Do Nothing? You Can't Do That

Last year, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist regarding my PTSD symptoms. She said that the severity was equal to s vet who's done way too many tours in dangerous places, and never got the proper help. Now, I'm dealing with the long term consequences of that.

Every day, you try and focus as best you can. However, it's still a battle to not dissociate. For a long time, violent dissociating was a survival mechanism. Now, I still have to fight to focus and not end up dissociating all day.

We feel sad, we cry, and we even curl up in the corner so nobody will hit us. You turn away and silently scream, and that way again nobody will abuse the shit out you.

Does this happen to you?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

We're Not Available.

A long day with doctor appointments, new medication, coming down with ear infections in both ears, and then cancelling a trip for tomorrow. Instead, do all of that, do some shopping, and then come home and just rest. No triggering stuff, no calls to save the world, nothing.

Just stay home and rest.

Lately, we still struggle with emotions after being raped. It's like, nobody saved us. What do we do now? then again, every support source that we have say that that's totally normal.

It's like all of the pain from being raped hits you all at once. We just want to have some sense of balance.

Tomorrow, a day off. Back at it on Friday.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Protection Dispatch

Tomorrow we go back to see the cardiologist about all of our heart test results. did my doctor give me any specific guidelines? So far, just if it hurts, stop doing it. One minute a nurse tells me I'm getting better. Then you have massive heart damage, heart failure, and so on.

We're just trying to keep some sense of balance. It's rough when you feel like you're going to snap. We don't want to violently dissociate and fall apart. You don't know what's going on, and what's worse, you don't care.

Time for some tea.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I Don't Want to Dissociate

Another horrible day with fighting to not violently dissociate. You almost feel like you're going to black out. It's like binge drinking. You lose all sense of where you are, and many times you don't care.

We don't want to fall back into that. Non-stop pain all day long. Instead, a healthy balance.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Ups and Downs

A lot of chi ups and downs today. Despite that, you have to fight back.

Next week, I see the cardiologist to find out about all of my heart test results. I'm still sticking to my holistic approach as best I can.

More as it happens.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Do You Have the Solution?

We all know there's no magic one-cure-fits-all trauma histories. You know it's not your fault . You know you did nothing wrong. Despite that, you still struggle.

You're sitting in a small bedroom in a two-story house. It's fall, the window is open and the breeze is blowing in. Yet, everything feels like it's in black and white. You feel trapped, and don't know what to do. Others are downstairs, but can't be bothered to pay attention. It's pointless to even talk to them.

You feel almost brainwashed and not in control as one of the psycho rapists takes you into his room. You know something's wrong, but it's like you're watching yourself take off your clothes as the monster does the same thing. You want to scream, but you can't. The psycho's skin is next to yours, and his penis is in your anus. You want to scream, but nothing will come out.

No one will burst into the room and save you.
No police sniper will see an opening and blow the psycho's head off to save you.
No cop will use a rape testing kit to convict the psycho.

You want to get a gun, and kill everyone that raped you or abused the shit out you. It's legal where you live, but what's the point?

We still struggle to keep some sense of balance and not fall apart. If I say my name, the fact that I have PTSD and other health problems that are connected could be used against me by a future boss. I don't give a fuck what the anti-discrimination laws say. If I knew ahead of time that you have these problems, I never would have hired you.

There are actually many employers out there with this mindset. Does it bother them saying this stuff? No.

Despite that, the important thing is to continue as best you can.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Struggling for Balance

One minute, your chi is there. The next, you have trouble moving around. Despite that, we just trying to keep a sense of balance as best we can. Have a nice night.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

How's Your Energy Level?

Another day with almost no energy. Managed to make it up from a quarter mile to a half mile run. After that, too hot to do anything else. Also, no caffeine, and stay off of salt and sugar as much as possible. It's too much of a drain on your chi.

Tomorrow, back to the therapist.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Balance and Some Rest

Another day of fighting symptoms and feeling run down. On the other hand, we avoid violent dissociating as much as possible.Daydreaming is one thing. This is way over at the other end of the scale.

Avoid all triggering atuff as much as possible. Time for bed.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Depression and More

More doctor appointments in the next week. Also, it's back to the therapist. While that's happening, symptoms are still a struggle to fight against. You fight really hard to not scream and black out from the pain of being raped. But every mental health support source that we trust all say the same thing. It has to come out. None of this is abnormal in any way, considering what you've been thru and never got help for.

Bad days with fear, abandonment and more happen. When they do, we curl up in a corner, cry and rock back and forth. At least that way we won't get attacked. Can we trust anyone? Sometimes we don't know.

You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.

Too much triggering news today. Much of it is just ridiculous. So why waste time dealing with it?

Emotionally, we feel like we're at the day after getting raped. There is no magic formula that fits all trauma survivors and instantly fixes everything. There's also shame, and just feeling like dirt. Nobody comes in to save you. Nobody uses a rape testing kit (guy survivors get testing kits just like women do). Nobody does anything.

You ask for help, and nobody listens. Many who's job it is to listen to and help trauma survivors scream at you for wasting their valuable time with YOUR PROBLEM.

You fix it. It's not my problem. You deal with it.

You don't want to hurt anybody else or yourself. Where do you go?

Do you have thoughts about suicide? At times we do, but we'd never act on it. Imagine being abused non-stop every single day. You go thru your entire day and constantly fighting abuse (verbal, physical, mental, and being raped).

Nobody listens to you or helps you. On the other hand, you don't want to die and give them the satisfaction.

What do you do?

No matter what, we did nothing wrong. Everything that we say is true. If others are horrible and can't deal with it, that's their problem. We're not responsible for their health.

We just want a sense of balance.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Sad But Trying to Cope

For the past couple of days, it's been a constant battle to not violently dissociate. You cry all day and struggle with feeling abandoned, dirty and worthless. You know you're not. But it's like you're at the next day after being raped emotionally.

Everybody heals at different rates. There's no magic cure to fit all trauma survivors. We know that. Having said that, you still struggle with trying not to feel worthless. Nobody listened, nobody saved us. Nobody did anything.

Every day there's endless abuse. You have to fight back, because you have no other choice. How do you do that AND everything else you have to do in the day?

In our case, no matter what happens, we know we're telling the truth. Other horrible people may have problems with that. However, we're not responsible for their health. We will protect ourselves as best we can. If others can't see or won't do anything about their mental illness, that's their problem.

You cry all day, you go outside. Or, you just sit in the corner and rock back and forth, because that way nobody will abuse you. I don't have all of the answers for my multiples and little kid. But that's okay.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

What Day is It?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a constant battle to not dissociate or just fall apart from rampant PTSD symptoms. Violent unchecked dissociating used to be a way to survive. Add to that a horrible diet and rampant alcoholism. Now, you fight all day long not to fall apart. We rock back and forth at times to try and feel safe. Everything has to be screened. We mix lots of live stream sources at times to have something to focus on. It doesn't matter that you're not listening or watching closely. Just that it's something tangible in the space that you're in.

Do you still feel abandoned? Every day we try to reassure ourselves that we did nothing wrong. Why then do some other horrible people treat us like dirt? One reason is because not all but many of them are mentally ill. Where does that come from? We don't know. Having said that, we're not responsible for what they do or say. OR, what they don't do or don't say.

We've heard it's common for trauma survivors to take on the pWe have ain of the rest of the world. We did that for a long time. Then, you realize that no, you can't solve everything. But that's okay. Your well being comes first.

We have moments now where you feel paralyzed. You're fighting to not scream, snap, dissociate and black out. All at the same time. You literally can't move.On the other hand, if you do nothing and don't fight to keep some sense of balance, you'll fall apart.

What else can you do?

We have moments where you think, what happens if we're not around? Would anybody care? It's not that you have a death wise. It's just fighting to not feel abandoned. We're still struggling with the severity of our symptoms, It's like the day after you got raped. What are you supposed to do?

We know we did nothing wrong. If others can't understand that, that's their problem. Nobody else will look out for our well being. You don't want to feel like everybody's dangerous. Then again, you have to protect yourself.