Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Meds and More

I'll always have to take my heart meds. Anti depressants? Only one so far. But even with that, I still have symptoms. Lately, more chest pain at times. It comes and it goes. I try to stretch, and it's really painful. No luck yet in seeing a physical therapist. Hopefully that will come thru soon.

It feels like body pain comes and goes. One minute you feel halfway centered. Then you can barely get out of bed and walk. But, it's all connected. It's a nice sunny day and then suddenly, torture flashbacks. You don't feel safe being around little kids. When necessary, leave. Do the responsible thing.

No matter what though, we're not crazy. We're not mentally ill, handicapped, disabled or any other labels. We have health problems that we didn't ask for. Now, we're trying to deal with these as best we can.

Protect yourself.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Pain at the Beach

Happy Xmas. Have fun? here, we went to the beach for the day. Beautiful weather, waves, lots of people. But also, lots of circulation pain. Now this week it's back to appointments, meds and more.

Stay safe.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

Happy Xmas to you in your part of the world. Here, we just stayed in and rested all day. All day long, relentless pain. Body memory, circulation pain, flashbacks, torture flashbacks. You have to protect yourself. What else can you do?

Tomorrow we'll see how we feel. If more grounded, then it's off to the beach for the day. If not, just stay in and protect yourself.

Have fun.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

You try to protect yourself by setting boundaries and doing other positive things. But despite that, you still get bombarded with pain.

Torture flashbacks
Circulation pain
1-2 hours of sleep every night (if you're lucky)

What else can you do? Denial only makes things worse. Dissociating makes things worse. You have to protect your well being. Because you want to feel safe.

Sometimes you just turn everything off because it's too much. You won't hurt yourself or anybody else. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of tests, xray and more to deal with right now. So far so good.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. When rare moments of clarity happen, you're bombarded with pain, abandonment and sadness. But we're not crazy. We're not a threat to anybody.

We just want to feel safe.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Fight Symptoms

You have to fight back. You never get a break. Somedays you have no noise because you just want peace and quiet. You know how easy it is to let your guard down and then dissociate. You lose track of everything and have to fight your way back to reality.

Will we go to a family Xmas party? If we do, it will be as brief as possible. We still struggle with anger, frustration and abandonment. Can we ever believe anything that anybody says?

We just want to feel safe.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Set Boundaries as Best You Can

Another long day of fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of being grounded. You know it's not your fault. But you have to fight all the time to not dissociate. You also have to try and set boundaries as best you can.

Normally we try to stay away from having progressive political content here. UNLESS it's necessary and can be tied into dealing with trauma.

Did I vote for Trump? No I didn't. Up to the election, you were bombarded with vote fear, and not your conscience. If you don't vote for Hillary, you're not "patriotic". Doesn't matter that almost 70% of the US public wants a multi party system. The trolls were out for blood, and would rip any "threat" that they saw to pieces.

Now, Trump is President Elect. In 4 days, the Electoral College votes. Each state has a certain number of "electors" who are supposed to vote for who won the popular vote in a state. Why then two votes. The idea is to prevent unqualified people from being President. The electors have several choices:

Vote for who won the popular vote in your state.
If Trump won, don't vote for him. Vote for somebody else.

Lots of legal experts (how many are getting paid? Who knows) are arguing over this. Legally they can vote for whoever the want. The Constitution doesn't prevent that. But then some state politicians are saying if you do that, we'll arrest your ass and charge you with fraud, which is a felony. Many are probably getting death threats and other garbage.

Is Trump's win causing massive PTSD cases nationwide? I think it is. But, what we're trying to do is to protect ourselves and as best you can, keep moving forward and doing your best to make things better. Should some people leave the country because Trump will make it a fascist dictatorship? Many say yes and are already leaving.

Like any trauma survivor, we just want to feel safe. Symptoms are a constant battle. If others are horrible in what they say and do, they deal with the consequences. Every day you struggle with anger, frustration and abandonment. On the other hand, we know we did nothing wrong. Everything we're saying is true.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Try Not to Dissociate

You fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Then, everything feels black. You know you're not insane or a danger to anyone. But you have nothing to hide behind. You try to not lose control because of adrenalin surges. You just want to feel safe.

Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Fighting symptoms every day. dissociating feels like having a migrane that never goes away. You have to protect yourself.

Will we go to a family Xmas party? If yes, we'll keep it as short as possible. It's a real struggle to deal with sadness, abandonment and other pain. On the other hand, we're not hiding behind denial. Which is important.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Fight Symptoms

Another doctor appointment, and my blood clotting factor is doing ok. I still have to take 8 meds a day. But my cardiologist likes the fact that I'm using holistic things in my health (as well as the traditional).

Symptoms are still there. You feel at times like you're going to snap in two. But you do your best to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Almost No Sleep

Fight symptoms all day long. Then at night, you get almost no sleep at all. But you have to protect yourself. Sitting back and doing nothing doesn't work.

If we have chest pain, is it a blood clot? Or, something else?

We'll fin out more Thursday at the next doctor's appointment.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. At times, psychosis symptoms still happen. Hallucinations, hearing voices, fighting monsters from attacking you and more. I'm not crazy. We're not insane. We're not a threat to anybody. We just want to feel safe.

A constant battle to not dissociate and fall apart. We don't want to have no idea of where we are. But you struggle with feeling abandoned and not knowing at times what to do.

Protect yourself.