Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Is Anyone Listening to You?

It's been one of those news free days. Every time you dare to look, it gets more and more surreal. You feel like you're the only one who sees all of the hypocracy. This means protecting yourself at all costs.

Every day, I still have to focus when I open my eyes in the morning to try and not dissociate. You try and get out of bed without eing attacked by hallucinations. Then, try to make it into the kitchen to drink something to help you feel more balanced. It takes time after breakfast to focus and like you can actually go out into your day.

You also have to have a escape plan when going into crowded places. Dissociating and hallucinations are real struggles. It turns out that if you have an ultra high caffeine use in the past like I did, you can suffer hallucinations. I asked one of my GPs about it, and she said there's no test to check your nervous system. You can lay off caffeine and take supplements like Vitamin C or B12. An acupuncturist could measure your chi flow and balance. So far, I haven't found one which takes either one of my health plans.

You try not to dissociate and feel like you're going to snap. This can mean just sitting in a quiet room and rocking back and forth. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. Sometimes I have to reassure my multiples and little kid that it is safe to go out. Then you do, and everybody feels like a threat. Is the person next to you at the intersection a road rage case who's going to kill you? You have split second visions which are hard to ground yourself from. You sit in your car and say, how do I go in this store without blacking out or having other symptoms? Everyone you see is a threat. Hallucinations happen. How do you get out of here safely?

You feel at times like the severity of your symptoms will snap you in two. I'll talk to one of my GPs about getting off of one medication. It's an anti-depressant, but it's not helping. I don't want to go back to addictions again.

You rock back and forth at night and just want to feel safe. But you still keep your mobile and a knife next to your bed. I still don't feel safe in many places and around many people that I know.

We have to protect ourselves.

Sunday, September 28, 2014


Trying really hard to not dissociate. It feels like everything is really sore, and you have no energy. Small things take a huge amount of energy to do. If we go out somewhere, you have to have an escape plan. How do I get of here safely without attacking anybody?

More appointments this week.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Really Empty

Struggling with exhaustion and feeling abandoned. Just stay home and try to feel safe.

Friday, September 26, 2014

We're Still Here

Sorry to be away for a while. Not by choice, but due to debilitating symptoms. In my case, it's PTSD and heart symptoms. On some days, my chi flow feels okay. On others, I have chest pain. I have trouble standing up without blacking out. I have trouble walking five feet to my kitchen. Then again, my GP and cardiologist say  that this is a common problem for heart patients.

Every morning, we have to fight to focus and not dissociate. Can we walk from the bed to the bathroom without hallucinating? How do we cook breakfast without blacking out from dissociating? it's a non-stop battle.I'm on heart medication, and will always have to take it. As for anti-depressants, no thanks. I don't want to go back to more addictions.

Sometimes I have chest pain, and then take medication. Do I want to be addicted to it, to just escape all the pain? No.

On really bad days we struggle with lucid dreams. Constant MSM talk about ISIS beheaders are everywhere is really rough. That causes sick and dangerous lucid dreams where you have to fight your way out of being pinned down. Then, you kill them before the try to behead you. It feels at times like there's no escape.

Nobody will protect you or help you in any way. You have to fight back.

Sometimes we have sick and twisted thoughts about the psycho rapists trying to attack. Sometimes, it's thoughts about "identifying" with the psycho rapists and then raping some terrified little kid.

I'm not a sick and twisted monster.
I have no desire to hurt anybody (myself or others).

So why do I have these twisted thoughts? My therapist says in ultra extreme cases, it's common to "identify" with your attacker. Nobody knows why, but it does happen.

Try going thru one day without struggling with this.

Can you trust anybody? We've had a really long streak where we've consistently been let down. On some days, we just stay home. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Do you feel paralyzed? On bad days, it takes 15 minutes to from the front door to the car. We don't want to dissociate and black out. You lose track of time, and literally don't care about anything. You fight this a million times a day.

At night, you're so exhausted you can barely move. On the other hand, none of this is abnormal, considering how severe our trauma is.

We just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Tiny Segments

Went to the therapist today, and we talked about how draining everything is. I literally have to say, how do I go from my car to the store and back home without blacking out? On bad days, adrenalin surges always are a problem. How do I walk to my kitchen and not lose sensation in my legs? I have trouble getting out of bed.  It's like you have to focus for a split second to feel like you can actually move. If I'm feeling bombarded, at times I just stay home. I'm not afraid to go out. I just have to be careful.

The pressure on bad days is so seeere, I feel like I'm literally going to snap. Which means short segments. How do I do this without losing sensation in various parts of my body? On bad days I feel like I have four or five diseases all at the same time.

Then again, considering our ultra severe trauma history, none of it's abnormal.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Paying Attention to Health

We deal with PTSD symptoms, addictions and heart disease. My GP also says that I have permenant liver damage from severe alcoholism and junk food. Which means trying to keep a sense of balance and not putting on lots of weight.

At times we just stay home and rest. There's no chi at all. However, my doctors all say  that that's not abnormal. There is no one profile that fits every patient.

Time for some more tea.

Monday, September 8, 2014

We Want to Feel Safe

We're sitting at home, and the doors are locked. No being bombarded with war, death, destruction, domestic violence and more. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

As you do, you have to focus to not dissociate and black out. It's like seeing jump cuts that you fight to get past. Nobody's there to listen or support you in any way. Every day you fight to not fall apart. Because nobody else will help you.

Adrenalin surges continue to happen. It's like you have no sensation in some parts of your body. You have to  concentrate to try and rebalance your system. Otherwise, it's like your whole body falls apart, and you can barely walk. At times in the past, symptoms were so severe that I couldn't walk more than ten feet without violently dissociating.

Now try and deal with that. Every day for years, because you know no other way to survive.

Nobody listens to you or helps you. Apparently they just don't care about anyone other than themselves. Why do they act so horribly? Who knows. But nobody makes them do that. They choose to do that. Which means they then deal with the consequences.

Nightmares are becoming more violent. It's like everyone's a threat. You can't trust anybody. You don't want  to feel like that. But when you've been disappointed so often, it's hard not to.

We just want to feel safe.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Trying to Face Your Pain

Lots of pain. Feeling abandoned, depressed, and fighting hard to not dissociate. You sit in your car, and have to focus before you get out and go inside somewhere. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy.

We just want to feel safe.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

A Constant Battle for Balance

Almost no energy today. We had to go to the store. But after that, just stay home and rest. Now, try doing that as you endlessly battle to not dissociate. It feels like a million forks in the road. Do you go in one direction and literally disappear? Or, go the other way and see what happens?

It's like you're struggling to face how severe your pain has been and continues to be. Not that you get off on pain. But deal with the severity of your symptoms. You can't turn anger and frustrations off. Having said that, you also don't want to turn into a burned out monster.

No matter what, it's not our fault.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Dealing With Pain As Best You Can

Another tough day fighting to not violently dissociate. We slipped and had to really fight to regain some sense of balance. We're run down, depressed and at times, feeling abandoned. Then again, what else can you do but keep going?

We just want to keep some sense of balance.