Is Anyone Listening to You?

It's been one of those news free days. Every time you dare to look, it gets more and more surreal. You feel like you're the only one who sees all of the hypocracy. This means protecting yourself at all costs.

Every day, I still have to focus when I open my eyes in the morning to try and not dissociate. You try and get out of bed without eing attacked by hallucinations. Then, try to make it into the kitchen to drink something to help you feel more balanced. It takes time after breakfast to focus and like you can actually go out into your day.

You also have to have a escape plan when going into crowded places. Dissociating and hallucinations are real struggles. It turns out that if you have an ultra high caffeine use in the past like I did, you can suffer hallucinations. I asked one of my GPs about it, and she said there's no test to check your nervous system. You can lay off caffeine and take supplements like Vitamin C or B12. An acupuncturist could measure your chi flow and balance. So far, I haven't found one which takes either one of my health plans.

You try not to dissociate and feel like you're going to snap. This can mean just sitting in a quiet room and rocking back and forth. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. Sometimes I have to reassure my multiples and little kid that it is safe to go out. Then you do, and everybody feels like a threat. Is the person next to you at the intersection a road rage case who's going to kill you? You have split second visions which are hard to ground yourself from. You sit in your car and say, how do I go in this store without blacking out or having other symptoms? Everyone you see is a threat. Hallucinations happen. How do you get out of here safely?

You feel at times like the severity of your symptoms will snap you in two. I'll talk to one of my GPs about getting off of one medication. It's an anti-depressant, but it's not helping. I don't want to go back to addictions again.

You rock back and forth at night and just want to feel safe. But you still keep your mobile and a knife next to your bed. I still don't feel safe in many places and around many people that I know.

We have to protect ourselves.