Friday, September 26, 2014

We're Still Here

Sorry to be away for a while. Not by choice, but due to debilitating symptoms. In my case, it's PTSD and heart symptoms. On some days, my chi flow feels okay. On others, I have chest pain. I have trouble standing up without blacking out. I have trouble walking five feet to my kitchen. Then again, my GP and cardiologist say  that this is a common problem for heart patients.

Every morning, we have to fight to focus and not dissociate. Can we walk from the bed to the bathroom without hallucinating? How do we cook breakfast without blacking out from dissociating? it's a non-stop battle.I'm on heart medication, and will always have to take it. As for anti-depressants, no thanks. I don't want to go back to more addictions.

Sometimes I have chest pain, and then take medication. Do I want to be addicted to it, to just escape all the pain? No.

On really bad days we struggle with lucid dreams. Constant MSM talk about ISIS beheaders are everywhere is really rough. That causes sick and dangerous lucid dreams where you have to fight your way out of being pinned down. Then, you kill them before the try to behead you. It feels at times like there's no escape.

Nobody will protect you or help you in any way. You have to fight back.

Sometimes we have sick and twisted thoughts about the psycho rapists trying to attack. Sometimes, it's thoughts about "identifying" with the psycho rapists and then raping some terrified little kid.

I'm not a sick and twisted monster.
I have no desire to hurt anybody (myself or others).

So why do I have these twisted thoughts? My therapist says in ultra extreme cases, it's common to "identify" with your attacker. Nobody knows why, but it does happen.

Try going thru one day without struggling with this.

Can you trust anybody? We've had a really long streak where we've consistently been let down. On some days, we just stay home. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Do you feel paralyzed? On bad days, it takes 15 minutes to from the front door to the car. We don't want to dissociate and black out. You lose track of time, and literally don't care about anything. You fight this a million times a day.

At night, you're so exhausted you can barely move. On the other hand, none of this is abnormal, considering how severe our trauma is.

We just want to feel safe.

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