Thursday, October 23, 2014

Screening Everything

Sorry too be away for a while. It wasn't by choice. More like it was struggling to not dissociate and have my multiples lash out. It's been a long time since that's happened. But at times it feels like it can still happen.

These days, we have to screen everything. If we don't, we end up having horrible flashbacks and nightmares. You get shot, attacked, tortured and nobody will help you. We know we did nothing wrong. Yet, the pain and symptoms are still there.

Lots of exercise today, and now what? We have no energy. You can get up and move around. But very slowly at times. Nobody's here. The TV's on, but the sound is turned down. You have to screen everything to protect yourself. On bad days with lots of anger, you have to check every room to be sure that you're safe. Is anyone here that could kill us? Even though nobody's physically there, you have to check everything to be sure.

Do you feel like you can trust anybody? We don't want to fall into the trap of everybody's a threat. But you still struggle with that. Horrible pain happens, and you just want to feel safe in your own home. Sometimes we turn everything off and just hold onto a pillow on our couch and rock back and forth. No noise, nothing to read or look at. Just peace and quiet.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, at times you feel just short of doing that. The pain won't go away. You constantly fight to not dissociate. Adrenalin surges are a constant battle. You pull up to other cars at the intersection. Will the other driver snap and try to kill you? Split second images flash in front of you, and you have to fight to ground yourself.

On bad days, thoughts of suicide are there. You don't want to because it won't solve anything. Yet, you have to focus to try and keep going. The psycho rapists got away with it. The accomplices got away with it. You can't get victim compensation. Does anybody care?

You don't have a death wish. But you still struggle. If I ended up in a psych ward again, would ANYBODY care? I just want to protect myself, my multiples and little kid.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Is It Safe to Go Outside?

Really bad days mean that you have to decide, do I stay home or risk going out? You sit somewhere and rock back and forth holding something to focus on to try and ground yourself with. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not. If it doesn't, you rock back and forth and try to not black out or hallucinate.

What else can you do?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

No Labels

I'm not mentally ill. I'm not a threat to myself or anybody else. Yet, I keep having horrible thoughts and symptoms that are getting worse. Why?

Because I have health problems that I didn't ask for. I'm trying to cope as best I can.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

What's Real and What Isn't?

One of the hardest things to deal with right now? Not dissociating. At times you don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to sit and hold onto something solid as you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. Has everything been constant dissociating to survive? You have to really struggle to find positive things that have happened. There are some. But you have to fight really hard to find them.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Feeling Bombarded with Pain

No noise. Right now, quiet as we try to stay relatively grounded. We're also struggling with pain. You feel almost paralyzed.

What do you do?

Thursday, October 9, 2014


Another day of trying to deal with all of my symptoms. No energy and fighting to not dissociate. If I stand up too quickly, I feel like I'm going to faint. Small things take enormous amounts of energy. On bad days, I have probems walking from my car to my front door carrying stuff. I feel like I'm about 95 years old. Everything is sore.

I'm only on one anti-depressant right now, and don't want more. Despite at times feeling like you're endlessly being bombarded with pain, you try to say none of this is abnormal, considering my horrible trauma history.
You try to ground yourself, but sometimes techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Monday, October 6, 2014

More Emptiness

You try not to violently dissociate. You feel totally empty, and it takes an enormous amount of energy to do the smallest things. You're alive, but fighting really hard to keep some sense of balance.

Hopefully, not another night of horrible nightmares. Endless torture, pain and nobody listens or cares. Then again, it's not our fault.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Feeling Really Empty

Really empty and sad. You don't want to dissociate and be bombarded with pain. As you struggle, you feel totally exhausted. Then again, what else can you do?