Thursday, October 23, 2014

Screening Everything

Sorry too be away for a while. It wasn't by choice. More like it was struggling to not dissociate and have my multiples lash out. It's been a long time since that's happened. But at times it feels like it can still happen.

These days, we have to screen everything. If we don't, we end up having horrible flashbacks and nightmares. You get shot, attacked, tortured and nobody will help you. We know we did nothing wrong. Yet, the pain and symptoms are still there.

Lots of exercise today, and now what? We have no energy. You can get up and move around. But very slowly at times. Nobody's here. The TV's on, but the sound is turned down. You have to screen everything to protect yourself. On bad days with lots of anger, you have to check every room to be sure that you're safe. Is anyone here that could kill us? Even though nobody's physically there, you have to check everything to be sure.

Do you feel like you can trust anybody? We don't want to fall into the trap of everybody's a threat. But you still struggle with that. Horrible pain happens, and you just want to feel safe in your own home. Sometimes we turn everything off and just hold onto a pillow on our couch and rock back and forth. No noise, nothing to read or look at. Just peace and quiet.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, at times you feel just short of doing that. The pain won't go away. You constantly fight to not dissociate. Adrenalin surges are a constant battle. You pull up to other cars at the intersection. Will the other driver snap and try to kill you? Split second images flash in front of you, and you have to fight to ground yourself.

On bad days, thoughts of suicide are there. You don't want to because it won't solve anything. Yet, you have to focus to try and keep going. The psycho rapists got away with it. The accomplices got away with it. You can't get victim compensation. Does anybody care?

You don't have a death wish. But you still struggle. If I ended up in a psych ward again, would ANYBODY care? I just want to protect myself, my multiples and little kid.

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