Fighting a lot in the past week to not dissociate and black out. You curl up on the couch, hold onto something solid and rock back and forth. Sometimes you do it all day. Why? Because if you don't, you feel like you're going to snap in two.
You scream fight to not fall apart. You're not abnormal. You're not a psychopath. But the pain is still there. Am I going to black out? I don't go out at times when you feel like you're going to attack somebody. I have no desire to hurt innocent little kids. So why do I have these thoughts?
I try to focus on felling some sense of being grounded. Don't dissociate. Do something else. At times you almost feel like you're going to fall apart from exhaustion. Then again, you have to do something.
You just want to feel safe.