Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Fighting to Stay Focused

It' s been a rough week. Almost every day feels like pain. You wake up and try to go thru your day. But everything is pain. Triggering content is everywhere. Which means that many days are silent. You just want to feel safe.

Many days you feel like you're being bombarded. Sights, sounds, flashbacks, the pain of being raped. Nobody listens and nobody cares. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Just "going with your feelings" doesn't work. You want to feel safe and feel like someone is actually listening to you.

Is anyone paying attention to you? On really bad days, we just sit and want peace and quiet. It's not safe to go outside and potentially attacking someone. You don't have agoraphobia. That's not the problem. The problem is that you have to think about both your safety and the safety of others.

The constant stress of trauma totally drains your energy level. At times I can barely move. Try walking from the car to my front door. Just carrying a few bags. You feel like you're 100 years old. Going up and down stairs is exhausting. You go into a crowded place, and everything is a threat. You strike back first. How do we go thru a crowded place and not black out? We want to scream and just run away.

What happens if we black out and one of my multiples lashes out? It's been a long time since that's happened. But what if it does?

I'm not insane
I'm not a danger to anyone
I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else
Just because I was raped by three pedophiles, I have no desire to rape an innocent little kid

Bear with me if gaps happen between posts. I'm still here. Just struggling to keep going.


Charlene Jones said...

Deep deep breathing, constantly. Breathe! The air takes you into your body where the pain is, I know. Stay in your body for a few seconds at at time and let your emotions, rage, terror, whatever surface. All emotion comes as a wave. The job is to learn about the wave and ride it until it subsides.
That leads to true healing and true release.
I was raped and beaten as a child, then raped and tortured (tied to a chair, gagged, slapped, burned and bitten) when I was teen. I found these methods and they worked for me. I hope they work for you.

soho44 said...

Thanks for the support.