Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Don't Black Out

Fighting hard to not black out or fall apart from symptoms. Adrenalin surges are still a problem. Being on a fixed income is tough for anybody. Especially at times when you have to decide between paying for medication and food for the day.

Right now, stay home and try to focus your chi. Then go out and see what happens.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Don't Dissociate

More fighting symptoms all day long. Now, we're trying to watch some TV, but with the sound turned down.    We can only take so much at one time. Try to stay grounded as you fight to not black out or deal with adrenalin surges.

Do you feel like you're going to snap sometimes? We just want to feel safe.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Fighting to Not Black Out

Fighting symptoms and to not black out. Body pain is still there. You fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Because you have to.

By the end of the day, you're totally exhausted and can't do anything. Butt you don't have a choice. You have to protect yourself.

Stay safe.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Fighting to Not Slip

A rough day with fighting symptoms and to not dissociate and fall apart. You scream and focus and fight to hold onto something tangible. You scream to get anger out and to then not black out. You don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Now, just some late night writing and wanting to feel safe.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Exhaustion and Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. No horribly violent nightmares last night for a change. But the exhaustion is still there. You try to sleep in (unless you have to wake up early), and you're still run down. But what else can you do? I don't want extra medication or to be dependent on sleep aids every single night. I just want to protect ourselves.

Anger and frustration are still there. Will they ALWAYS be there? I don't know. But you have horrible days where you have to be careful to not attack anybody. You just try to protect yourself as best you can from what feels like endless pain. Pain is non stop, and you have to fight back. At the end of the day, you can't do anything.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, April 22, 2016


fighting symptoms all day, and almost no sleep last night. It's back to ultra violent nightmares. Why? It's my system's way of processing trauma? Not sure.

Just rest.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Fighting to Not Dissociate

Another day of fighting to not dissociate. If you're not careful, you can disappear and no have idea of where you are. You go back to horribly severe PTSD and psychosis symptoms

Enough for one night.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Trying to Focus

Another low chi level day. fighting hard to not black out from dissociating. The pain is still there too. Especially anal pain.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Trying to Stay Grounded

Trying to pay attention to small things in how you feel. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can.

Still feeling run down.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

In and Out of the Hospital Again

How have your past few days been? Here, I was in the hospital again. What happened? I had an arrhythmia attack. Apparently I had a ultra severe reaction to something that I ate that threw my pulse off. I could barely lie down, and then try to stand up and walk slowly. Called a nurse help line, and she said call 911. Called them, and the paramedics did an EKG which showed arrhythmia. Went to the hospital and went thru a long list of tests.

The good news:

No heart attack
No additional damage to add to the damage you're already dealing with

But now, my doctor's saying stay away from spicy food as much as possible. You're one of those sensitive type people to stuff like that. What's really bad about arrhythmia is that it can happen at any time. Even if you're sitting and resting.

Now, just rest. And lots of herbal tea.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Screaming to Not Blackout

Fighting all day long to not dissociate and fall apart. It's scary at times to try and focus on something positive. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight to focus.

Nightmares still happen. Body pain, torture flashbacks and adrenalin surges. You sit at times and just focus all day on trying to be grounded. You're exhausted, but you don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Another night with no sleep? We'll see.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Trying to not dissociate and have some sense of chi flow. But it's a real struggle.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Lots of Pain

I don't want to hurt myself, my multiples or my little kid. But right now it feels like EVERYTHING is painful. Horrible PTSD symptoms and psychosis symptoms as well. NOBODY listened or helped me for a REALLY LONG TIME. You have to fight every single day to not fall apart and die.

Everything hurts.

Friday, April 8, 2016


A new doctor appointment, and back to the daily struggle with symptoms. Even if I try to sleep in, I'm still run down. My cortisol level is normal, but severe burnout is there. Will my doctor authorize further tests? We'll see.

We're getting bombarded at times with grief, sadness and abandonment. We did nothing wrong, but we still struggle. You try to protect yourself as best you can. But you still have to fight to not fall apart.

Don't dissociate.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Trying to Focus

Every day's another battle with symptoms and trying not to dissociate. When you have moments of clarity, you have to fight hard to not be bombarded with sadness, abandonment or falling apart.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Trying to Focus

A long day fighting symptoms. Especially dissociating. Also, almost zero TV today. Way too much triggering stuff is everywhere. Which means you have to protect yourself.

With meditation, we're up to 30 minutes a day. Part of it is using music as one of several ways to tap into your trauma energy. Exercise can help in some ways. But listening to tunes or even playing air drums (for those who don't like air guitar) feels like you're tapping into that energy in a safe way.

Sometimes in meditation you're bombarded with flashbacks and more. Then again, we just want to feel safe.

Have a nice night.