Exhaustion and Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. No horribly violent nightmares last night for a change. But the exhaustion is still there. You try to sleep in (unless you have to wake up early), and you're still run down. But what else can you do? I don't want extra medication or to be dependent on sleep aids every single night. I just want to protect ourselves.

Anger and frustration are still there. Will they ALWAYS be there? I don't know. But you have horrible days where you have to be careful to not attack anybody. You just try to protect yourself as best you can from what feels like endless pain. Pain is non stop, and you have to fight back. At the end of the day, you can't do anything.

You just want to feel safe.

Away for a While

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been exhausting in trying to keep some sense of being grounded. Not always, but at times you struggle to focus on what's real (instead of what's not). No, there's nobody there. I'm sitting on my bed. I feel the texture of the quilt beneath me. There's nobody over in the corner. I could dissociate and have someone over there. But I  don't want that. I want real people. Not images on a screen. I don't want to go back to unchecked violent dissociating.

Every day you have to fight to not fall back in patterns of abuse. Every day you got hammered with abuse. There was no escape. Nobody helped. You have to fight back. Does anybody care? You never get a break.  Either you fight back to maintain some sense of normalcy and sanity. Or you fall apart.

Does it feel like the world's gone insane? It's not my responsibility to single handedly save the world. If I could, that's great. But I can't. Instead, you feel like you're about six steps ahead of everybody else. It feels like the quality of many things keeps going downhill. So you do your best to see that and fight to keep some sense of sanity.

You don't want to fall apart. You have to fight back. Every day. Because you don't have a choice.