Saturday, June 24, 2017

Bombarded with Pain

Burnout never goes away. Pain is always there. But you have to fight back to have some sense of balance. You have to protect your well being.

Can you save the world all by yourself? No. But awareness and caring are always there. Just be selective in where you fight your battles.

How do you cope with your burnout?

Friday, June 23, 2017

Pain Never Goes Away

Another day of fighting symptoms and pain. You open your eyes in the morning and try to sit up and then stand up. You feel beat up and intense arthritic pain. Breathe deeply, try to focus and then stand up. If you can stand up, walking and trying to move is painful.

You fix breakfast and try to sit down. Any movement feels painful. Then stretch out and try to focus on the TV with the sound turned down. then you try focus and have some sense of energy to be able to go out. Take a shower and stretch to stimulate chi throughout your spine. But exhaustion is always there.

You can go out. But you always have to have an escape plan to protect yourself. Dissociating and other symptoms are always there. Will somebody try to attack and kill us in this crowded place? On bad days you have to focus to try and get in and out without attacking anybody.

Pain and abandonment are always there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. You have to fight to focus and hold onto some sense of balance. You have to focus and not feel like you're falling off a cliff and will disappear and die.

You can never let your guard down. You always have to fight back.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Fighting for Treatment

Another day of fighting burnout and other symptoms. Also, "Trump Care". For any readers who don't know what that is, it's the Republicans sick and twisted idea of health care. The rest of the civilized world has single payer health care. But in the States, it's profit that matters. "Trump Care" is just a massive tax cut for the ultra wealthy. This bill will end health coverage for 26 million people. Many will die. This is called murder. But in Washington DC politics, this is acceptable.

Why? Because there's an idea there of "looking forward and not backward". This means if someone commits a crime, don't prosecute them because that would be too divisive. Instead, just look ahead to tomorrow. If this becomes law, this will severely hurt me being able to get access to the treatment that I need.

Denial used to be a problem. Now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor. I can admit that it's not my fault. But the pain never goes away. On bad days you're one step short of killing yourself. I would  never do that. But it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Is "Trump Care" one way for the rich to kill the poor? Yes it is.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Trying to Focus

A long day of fighting symptoms. Pain and despair never go away. We work out as a way to deal with adrenalin surges and heart disease. But the symptoms are still there.

Stay away from stimulants as best you can. They just make things way worse. But what else can you do?

Monday, June 19, 2017

Don't Let Your Guard Dwn

Another day of fighting symptoms, exhaustion and more. As best you can, don't put yourself in a situation where you might let your guard down and then dissociate and vanish. That doesn't relieve pain. It makes it worse. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself. At times pain is everywhere, Arthritic pain. Circulation pain. Body memory pain. But you have to face it head on as best you can. As long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.

Protect your well being.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Fight to Have A Sense of Balance

Another day of fighting symptoms. Pain is always there. Don't let your guard down so you'd have a slip and dissociate. It doesn't help to escape pain. It just makes things worse.

Abandonment never goes away. You try to reassure yourself (and my multiples and little kid) that we did nothing wrong. If other do and say horrible stuff, that's their choice. They then have to live with the consequences.

You just try to protect your well being.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

There Is No Cure

There is no cure for PTSD. Which means like with any incurable condition, you try to protect your well being as best you can. But the pain is always there.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Low Energy

How's your Wednesday? Today is an ultra high triggering day. No TV, no commercials. Protect yourself everywhere you go. Still almost no sleep at all at night. You're constantly struggling all day to try and have some sense of energy.

You have to fight back. You have no control over other horrible people. They  have to live with the consequences of what they say and do.

It's like the full horror of our trauma history is hitting really hard. You feel paralyzed at times. You just sit and want quiet. You did nothing wrong. But you feel horrible.

What else can you do?

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Feeling Paralyzed

What's it like to have a day free of symptoms? We don't know. You never get a good night's sleep. Then you wake up between 2 and 4 a.m. You eat something and try to focus. Instead, you stretch out and many times get maybe a hour of sleep (if you're lucky). Then it's a constant battle to try and get thru the day with some sense of energy.

You sit still and at times you just want quiet. Don't be bombarded with flashbacks, noise and pain. Just sit and focus on the quiet. Sometimes you can for short periods. Other times it doesn't work. But despite that, you have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. That doesn't work.

The truth is I (along with my little kid and multiples) have seen and had horrible things happen to us. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're this close to killing yourself. Would we ever do that? No. But the pain never goes away.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not strange in any way.
The severity of your symptoms is equal to severity of your trauma history.
Pain never goes away.
We won't off ourselves.
We did nothing wrong.

Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Symptoms and Exhaustion

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from exhaustion. Too tired to do anything.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Finally Some Sleep

After 2 days straight with no sleep, we finally managed to get a few hours. But the constant exhaustion is still there. Despite that, you have to fight. Don't dissociate. We still struggle with facing how horribly severe our trauma history has been (and continues to be).

You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms and exhaustion all day long. Triggering stuff feels like it's everywhere. Which means you always have to screen everything to protect yourself.

Nightmares still happen. At other times, split second thoughts about raping little kids also happen. Even though it does, we'll never act on that and we're not a psycho pedophile just because it does happen.

That doesn't change the fact that you feel sad, abandoned and struggle to keep some sense of balance. What  else can you do?

Monday, June 5, 2017

Exhaustion and Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and adrenal exhaustion. You have to protect yourself. But it never goes away.

Also heart symptoms. Part of heart failure is messed up digestion. I can't handle big meals or lots of liquids anymore. Does it get better? Not sure.

Protect yourself.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Pay Attention to the Small Things

Another day of fighting symptoms. Also, hypersensitive to stimulants. If you have more than a tiny amount, it makes all of my symptoms worse. So you have to pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Dissociating is still one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. One minute you feel like you have a moment of clarity. Then, you're one step away from killing yourself. I would never do that, of course. But you have to face that despair as best you can.

You have to fight back.