Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Feeling Paralyzed

What's it like to have a day free of symptoms? We don't know. You never get a good night's sleep. Then you wake up between 2 and 4 a.m. You eat something and try to focus. Instead, you stretch out and many times get maybe a hour of sleep (if you're lucky). Then it's a constant battle to try and get thru the day with some sense of energy.

You sit still and at times you just want quiet. Don't be bombarded with flashbacks, noise and pain. Just sit and focus on the quiet. Sometimes you can for short periods. Other times it doesn't work. But despite that, you have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. That doesn't work.

The truth is I (along with my little kid and multiples) have seen and had horrible things happen to us. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're this close to killing yourself. Would we ever do that? No. But the pain never goes away.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not strange in any way.
The severity of your symptoms is equal to severity of your trauma history.
Pain never goes away.
We won't off ourselves.
We did nothing wrong.

Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe.

No comments: