Friday, June 23, 2017

Pain Never Goes Away

Another day of fighting symptoms and pain. You open your eyes in the morning and try to sit up and then stand up. You feel beat up and intense arthritic pain. Breathe deeply, try to focus and then stand up. If you can stand up, walking and trying to move is painful.

You fix breakfast and try to sit down. Any movement feels painful. Then stretch out and try to focus on the TV with the sound turned down. then you try focus and have some sense of energy to be able to go out. Take a shower and stretch to stimulate chi throughout your spine. But exhaustion is always there.

You can go out. But you always have to have an escape plan to protect yourself. Dissociating and other symptoms are always there. Will somebody try to attack and kill us in this crowded place? On bad days you have to focus to try and get in and out without attacking anybody.

Pain and abandonment are always there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. You have to fight to focus and hold onto some sense of balance. You have to focus and not feel like you're falling off a cliff and will disappear and die.

You can never let your guard down. You always have to fight back.

Protect yourself.

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