Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Time to Catch Up

Sorry to be away for a while. Had to go back to the ER because of a  week of chest pain. The good news is that it was because of exercising too much (and not some other problem). Now though, my doctor no exercise for a month until you see your cardiologist. Stretching, meditation and tai chi practice, yes. But nothing beyond that.

Be very careful and screen everything. Lots of sick and twisted triggering stuff is everywhere. Dissociating is still a struggle. Now though I've got three things that are draining my energy (cardiomyopathy, an irregular heart beat and PTSD symptoms). I still have bad days where you feel abandoned. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Do I really have to do all of this myself?

I still have thoughts at times about raping little kids. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not some psycho pedophile. You feel sad at times because of how hard you have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Nobody else is going to help you. So what else can you do?

Some days you cry and rock back and forth, trying to feel safe. No noise, no being bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Long Term Effects

More fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. Also, the long term effects of unchecked stress. Eventually it has to wear you down in many ways (lower autoimmune levels, digestion and others). Fortunately I don't have any other serious illness. But the concern is there.

More chest pain and shortness of breath. Arrhythmia happens almost all the time now. At times you just sit and rest. Turn everything off, and just pay attention to how you feel.

More appointments coming soon.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

What Affects Your System?

In addition to my regular appointments, I'm also trying to get tested for various allergies that I think can make my symptoms worse. Up until now, allergies have been talked about. But nobody's ever tested me for anything.

It's all interconnected. In addition to that, how long term ultra high stress affects your autoimmune system. I'm trying to do some kind of exercise every day, unless I just don't have any energy. Right now, every day there's chest pain. Which means no more for tonight.

Monday, April 20, 2015

You Have to Fight Back

Lots of struggle today to not dissociate. Also, fear and feeling paralyzed with despair. No matter what, do something else. Because you have no other choice.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Chest Pain and More

Struggling with chest pain, flasbacks and other symptoms. We just want to rest.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Struggling to Not Black Out (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Had another blood test today to see if my main heart med was working okay. Still too high, so I have to come back once a week to be tested. Tomorrow, I go to the psychiatrist.

Meanwhile, it's a struggle today to not black out. I try to be more aware of my body chemistry so I can protect myself. As I do, you get flooded with flashbacks and psycosis symptoms. The fact that you have psycosis symptoms in connection with PTSD doesn't mean that you're psycotic or schitzophrenic. But it's still scary.

It can be a range of things. Thinking someone is there when they're not. Being attacked by monsters. Feeling like you're going to be possessed or completely dissolve. Also, dissociating rituals.

In the past, I would dissociate and do different things. Watch softcore porn, use online hookers and more. You watch, masturbate, and it's safe. safe in the sense that nobody will laugh at you. Nobody will say no. She'll do whatever you want. Then when you ejaculate, you try to prevent it out of not wanting to dissociate and disappear. Did that stress add to my heart disease? I don't know.

Other psycosis symptoms were nightmares. Really horrible monsters were trying to break down my front door. They're watching me, and want to break in and kill me. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep for three days at a stretch, until I passed out. Speech is distorted. There are gaps in time where you have no idea what happened. Your multiples lash out, and then you don't know why people are screaming at you. At times, i still have problems with distorted speech. But I'm trying to protect myself.

Tomorrow, we'll see what the psychiatrist has to say.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Protecting Yourself

Another appointment with the therapist, and  more struggle with symptoms. My trauma history is one contributing factor to my heart disease and PTSD. Other than a tiny number of people in person, nobody else was there. Do you have to do everything by yourself? I've never had one day that's completely free of dissociating. At times I have periods where I can focus for a short time. But along with that comes depression. You don't know what to do. How do you react to that?

You have to protect yourself. Is everybody abusive, evil and nasty? Like lots of other survivors, I'm trying to set boundaries as best I can. Nobody else will do it. On the other hand, you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. What then?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Holistic Approach

Went to the cardiologist today, and it's a mix. My irregular heartbeat is getting worse, which means come back in another three months for another ultrasound. In the meantime, stick to my holistic routine (in addition to medication and appointments). Really pay attention to tiny details in how you feel. If you have pain or a bad day with PTSD symptoms, stop what you're doing and just rest.

More stuff tomorrow.

Monday, April 13, 2015


Tomorrow, I go back to see the cardiologist. What are the results of my first two day EKG? We'll see. I had to stop taking the newest SSRI med after four days due to sever side effects. Called a nurse help line and was told to go to an ER or a walk in clinic to be safe. Ended up at an ER and had another EKG done. Then they said I could go home (due to only taking it for a short time. No danger of withdrawl symptoms).

Now, every day I try to listen to how I feel. What's causing the pain my legs, back and in other parts of my body? Is it undealt with trauma memory? Is it something else? If you have long term extremely high untreated stress, eventually it has to affect you in many ways:

your autoimmune system
your digestion
weight fluctuation
adrenal glands
and more

I'm not sure what it is. But the pain and symptoms are there. No nightmares right now. Just no dreams at all. Is this my system taking a break? I'm not sure.

Since there's nothing to hide behind anymore (alcoholism and other destructive things), more comes flooding out and seems worse than before. On really bad days, literally everything hurts. I feel like I'm 110, and can barely move. In a good way, I try to look at it as everything is connected. What else can I do?

Stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Protect yourself at all costs. Because you can't sit back and do nothing.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Despair and Trying to Not Dissociate

More appointments next week. In the mean time, the latest anti depressant is making depression worse. Nightmares still happen as well. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

On really bad days, if I don't have to go anywhere, I just stay home and try to feel grounded. Many times that's easier said than done. But what else can you do?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Appointments and More

Lots of appointments this week. The cardiologist  says that my  irregular heart beat's getting worse. For the past two days I had to wear  heart monitor all the time. Finally took it off today, and now I can go back to a normal routine. Next week, we talk about the results.

As for meds, my psychiatrist recommended a new anti depressant. That means depending on how I'm feeling, I'm taking anywhere from eight to ten meds a day.It felt good that she's listening to my concern about being drugged out all the time. We'll try this new one and see how it works.

What about other symptoms? Dissociating is still extremely painful. You literally feel paralyzed at times. You have to fight back. if you don't, hallucinations happen and you feel like you're falling apart.

Bad days still happen with anger and fleeting thoughts about raping little kids. At times every part of you hurts. But you have to fight back.

You want to feel safe.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Lots of Pain

Fighting really hard to not black out from dissociating. I'm so exhausted I can barely move. Lots of triggering stuff everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A Sense of Balance

Lots of fighting today to not dissociate and black out. You don't want to be bombarded with pain and lots of sick and twisted thoughts. You know you're not insane or a threat to anyone. Yet, all of this stuff keeps happening.

I still struggle with how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be. You have to fight back. A psychiatrist who evaluated me almost two years ago said that you never got the proper treatment for ultra severe trauma. Now, you're dealing with the long term consequences of that.

Anger, abandonment and violent dissociating still happen. You don't want to black out because what happens then? Will one of my multiples lash out? Then, I have to deal with the consequences of something that I didn't do?

More doctor appointments next week. I'll talk to them about symptoms which also include pain every day. is it just because of my heart disease? I think it's all connected.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Fighting Hard to Not Dissociate

Really struggling today to not dissociate. I don't want to feel like I have no sense of where I am. I don't want to black out. Use what's around you. Focus on something tangible. You don't want to fall apart.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Protect Yourself

Ever feel like you're getting bombarded with triggering pain? Everything these days has to be screened. It feels like there's no safe place to turn. You have to protect yourself.

At times I have to turn everything off, because it's too much stimulus. You have to be careful, because nobody else will do this for you.

You just want to feel safe.