Thursday, April 16, 2015

Struggling to Not Black Out (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

Had another blood test today to see if my main heart med was working okay. Still too high, so I have to come back once a week to be tested. Tomorrow, I go to the psychiatrist.

Meanwhile, it's a struggle today to not black out. I try to be more aware of my body chemistry so I can protect myself. As I do, you get flooded with flashbacks and psycosis symptoms. The fact that you have psycosis symptoms in connection with PTSD doesn't mean that you're psycotic or schitzophrenic. But it's still scary.

It can be a range of things. Thinking someone is there when they're not. Being attacked by monsters. Feeling like you're going to be possessed or completely dissolve. Also, dissociating rituals.

In the past, I would dissociate and do different things. Watch softcore porn, use online hookers and more. You watch, masturbate, and it's safe. safe in the sense that nobody will laugh at you. Nobody will say no. She'll do whatever you want. Then when you ejaculate, you try to prevent it out of not wanting to dissociate and disappear. Did that stress add to my heart disease? I don't know.

Other psycosis symptoms were nightmares. Really horrible monsters were trying to break down my front door. They're watching me, and want to break in and kill me. Sometimes I wouldn't sleep for three days at a stretch, until I passed out. Speech is distorted. There are gaps in time where you have no idea what happened. Your multiples lash out, and then you don't know why people are screaming at you. At times, i still have problems with distorted speech. But I'm trying to protect myself.

Tomorrow, we'll see what the psychiatrist has to say.

No comments: