Sorry to be away for a while. Had to go back to the ER because of a week of chest pain. The good news is that it was because of exercising too much (and not some other problem). Now though, my doctor no exercise for a month until you see your cardiologist. Stretching, meditation and tai chi practice, yes. But nothing beyond that.
Be very careful and screen everything. Lots of sick and twisted triggering stuff is everywhere. Dissociating is still a struggle. Now though I've got three things that are draining my energy (cardiomyopathy, an irregular heart beat and PTSD symptoms). I still have bad days where you feel abandoned. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Do I really have to do all of this myself?
I still have thoughts at times about raping little kids. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not some psycho pedophile. You feel sad at times because of how hard you have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Nobody else is going to help you. So what else can you do?
Some days you cry and rock back and forth, trying to feel safe. No noise, no being bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe.
Have a good day.