Saturday, May 2, 2015

Getting Bombarded from all Sides

How has your week been? Here, it's been exhausting fighting symptoms (both heart and PTSD). Sometimes in the middle of the day, you just sit and want peace and quiet. My doctor says no exercise beyond walking until your next cardiology appointment. Which means you really have to pay attention to how you feel, and not take anything  for granted.

How you deal with flashbacks? Weird thoughts come out of nowhere. I'm in a crowded place with lots of little kids, and the thought comes to mind about raping one. I got raped, so I'll do it to them. No I won't. I'm not a sick twisted pedophile psycho. So why do I have these thoughts? No. The other person wants to rape me and then kill me. So instead of that, I'll rape and kill him first. No, I don't want to do that. I'm not gay or bi. If someone else is, that's none of my business. Again, why do I have these thoughts coming out of nowhere?

Do I want to get a gun and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like shit? The thought is there. But no, I won't. You want to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. You have to do it.

Can we trust anybody? Is everybody lying to you when they say they're concerned? I really don't want to end up being a burned out, cynical monster who doesn't give a fuck about anything. Instead, you want to feel like you have some sense of balance.

Abandonment. Grief. Sadness. Despair. One minute you feel like you have some sense of calm. Then, you can barely move. Then again, if it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.

You scream and fight to not fall apart. You can't sit back and do nothing. You just want to feel safe.

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