Monday, May 4, 2015

Lots of Struggle

As more appointments happen, we still struggle with symptoms. Also, at times paralyzing fear. You turn everything off, get into bed and curl up desperately trying to feel safe. You hold onto something solid and try to rock back and forth. You feel like everything is a threat. You can't trust anyone. You can barely move, because if you do you'll be bombarded with pain. If you roll onto one side, the psycho rapist is behind you. You have to fight back.

Is it safe to get out of bed? Is anyone else in the apartment? If you can, you get up and search every room to make sure that nobody else is there. Sometimes my multiples and little kid are scared, and I try to reassure them. Many times they feel like everyone and everywhere is a threat. They're in a dysfunctional system full of mentally ill "immediate family". You're getting bombatded with abuse and pain all the time. There's never a break. Which means you have to fight really hard to try and keep some sense of balance. You don't want to attack anyone. You're not a threat to either yourself or anyone else. But you can only take so much pain.

You fight hard to try and not dissociate. Even as you do that, you scream and fight to not black out. In the past, the stress was so high that my system literally shorted out. Then you wake up and have no idea of where you are. Will that happen again? Fortunately it hasn't. But at times you feel like you will black out.

Can I trust anyone? Is everyone out to lie to us? What the fuck do you REALLY  want? I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about two years ago. She said, in my opinion your symptoms are the same as a Navy Seal who's done hundreds of ultra dangerous tours non-stop, and never got the proper treatment. Now, you're dealing with the long term consequences of that. At times, paralyzing fear. Flashbacks and visions of your own death. I don't have a death wish. But I do have to fight really hard to not fall apart and just not care any more. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anybody else. But the despair is paralyzing. You can't control other horrible people. But I will do everything I have to to protect myself.

Hold onto something solid. Use the environment around you to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Set boundaries where necessary. You have to protect yourself.

You scream at times and want to kill everyone who gets in your way. But you won't. Despite that, the thoughts are still there.

You have to do the right thing. You have to protect yourself. I'm stuck. Don't know what else to say.

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