Saturday, May 16, 2015

Protect Yourself

Staying at home for a while as I catch up on writing and other stuff. Then, time for lots of errands. Still no personal assistant. Which means I do everything myself.

How do you deal with your symptoms? Do you still feel bombarded with pain? One moment, you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, a million images hit you all at once. Your intuition feels like you can see all of the hypocracy in the world. You know everything that people will say, how they'll respond. Then, what happens after that. So why bother looking at any of it?

Since I got raped, I've never had one day free of symptoms. I don't know what it's like to wake up and not have to fight to not dissociate. Have you ever not felt abandoned? Have you ever felt like nobody can be bothered to listen to you? What do you do then?

You feel bombarded with non stop images and pain. You know that you're not crazy (whatever that means). You know you're not a threat to anybody. Yet, it still happens. You have to fight hard to not black out. Why? Because you don't have a choice.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But despite that, at times you have thoughts about death. You see yourself and then suddenly, what happens if you weren't around anymore? It's like part of you is saying to others who treated you like shit see what happens when I'm not around? What the fuck are you gonna do then? How will you assholes deal with THAT?

You don't want to feel burned out and like you're turning into a monster. You don't want to go back to alcoholism and other destructive stuff. But symptoms are still there.

Can you go thru one say with no dissociating? In my case, at times I feel like I have the worst migrane you can imagine. It's physically painful to not dissociate. Anger still lashes out, and you try to not snap in two as you struggle to deal with all of this.

I used to try to escape my own pain by taking on the pain of the rest of the world. Finally I just said I can't do it anymore. It doesn't mean you're not aware or don't care. Instead, you have to protect yourself.

It's like you have to fight really hard to protect your self worth. It feels like the rest of the world is trying to beat you down. What other choice do you have?

On really bad days, I just go home, turn everything off and get into bed. Then, I just rock back and forth to try and feel safe. You literally feel like you can't move because you're afraid of what happens then. You have flashbacks to the psychos who raped you and could have killed you.

Does that bother anyone who says they care about you? You could have been killed. Does that matter to you?

You just want to feel safe.

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