Sunday, May 10, 2015

Trying to Focus

A busy week's coming up with 3 doctor appointments. Symptoms are still there, and occasionally nightmares as well. If not nightmares, then it's just feeling run down all the time. It's like having MS and fibromyalgia all at the same time.

How do you deal with flashbacks and paralyzing despair? May is graduation month, and of course that means a million different emotions all at the same time. In my case, it's a real struggle at times to try and find positive things in the past (much less hold onto them once you do find them). Two nieces and one nephew are graduating, and I try to be as supportive as possible. At the same time, you feel sad and ask how come I didn't have happiness? How come nobody helped me? Where's my sense of justice? Ever feel like you've had to deal with your trauma history all by yourself? Some days I just curl up and cry all day long. You just don't know what else to do.

Dissociating's still a non-stop battle. It's been a while since I blacked out. But the last time it almost happened, I almost had a car accident. It's like you feel you're this close to blacking out, and have to fight really hard to not do it. At other times it's literally hold onto something solid all day and do nothing else.

What else can you do?

Adrenalin surges never stop as well. Or, just when you think they do they start to happen again. Since I got raped, I've never had one day without symptoms.

I don't know what that's like.

You go into a crowded place, and you feel like you're being bombarded with millions of images and pain, all at the same time. Even the usual grounding techniques don't work at times.

What do you do then?

You want to scream and fight hard to not snap. Why? Because you can't give up.

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